Affair help!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-28-2014
Affair help!
8
Fri, 03-28-2014 - 11:53am

So about 8 months ago, I met this wonderful man. We happened to be placed together in the work place. I won't go into details of what line of work I do, but we work one on one every day. When I met him, I immediately had an attraction after talking to him for over 5 hours straight. I quickly was aware that he was married and had a daughter, and thought nothing more of it. Eventually, working one on one every day, we became inseparable. The thought of losing just a few moments with him every day was torture, and he became my best friend/lover. His wife is pregnant, and has been the entire time, and is now very close to being due... and, they are having twins! This make him go from one to three in about 10 days from now. We have even discussed having our own because he wants to be with me, and he thinks that would probably be the only way he could ever leave his family (or if he ever got caught in the affair). He worries most about leaving his daughter, who he adores. He says he has not been "in love" with his wife for a few years, and that he holds resentment for her wanting more children (in vetro) since he only wanted one. Long before we met, he was unhappy and had contemplated a way out, Both of us never intended for this to happen, it just did. we were not "looking" for an extramarital affair, and I never once dreamed I would be in this situation. There are days  that I am so stressed by it, that I just want it to end. there are also days where I am head over heels in love. I also have a significant other, but have never been married and have no children of my own. he is the ost amazing man I have ever met. He treats me like I have always dreamed (and I have had 4 long term relationships) to be treated. He is funny, handsome, polite, generous, laid back, sarcastic. We enjoy eachother's company so much that it hurts when we have to say goodbye every weekend. I am torn however about the arrival of the new babies. I think it makes him less desirable and even further out of reach. any thoughts? and btw, I am not asking people to criticize me for having an affair , I am asking for people who have had affairs to weigh in... I am not looking to be told "it is wrong" because I think everything happens for a reason, and it was fate that we met, because i was not even going to accept the job last year, and did on a whim. 

Community Leader
Registered: 08-25-2006
In reply to: kiki9984
Fri, 03-28-2014 - 1:31pm

You can only control your own choices.  You can choose to continue in the affair knowing that in all likelyhood he will not leave his wife, or you can end the A and really look at why you are having the A to begin with.  

This is an A board, so you will not be judged on that.  But you we also have to be honest with you if you are thinking that you will break up with your SO and he will leave his W and you two will be together, the chances are slim.  

With that said, yes, it does happen.  I was the SOW (single other woman) and my AP (affair partner) was married.   He eventually got D and we have been together 8 years and married last summer.  

But Kiki, it was painful, painful, painful.  Yes, I knew in my heart we would have a long journey together, but if I could go back, I would have 1) never started the relationship or 2) once I got into it, ended it quickly and waited for them to get D.  

What ever you decide, in all fairness to your SO, I would suggest really look at what is going in the R and make a decision to either committ or end it.  If you are not married and no kids, then there is no reason to continue if you are unhappy.  

Good luck and hang in there.  We all know how hard this is.  

Serenity CL making a marriage work

Serenity
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-20-2009
In reply to: kiki9984
Fri, 03-28-2014 - 1:48pm

I've seen "affairs" from both sides.  I don't question or criticize the right or wrong of an affair.  I was married to a serial cheater.  At first I didn't realize it because he travelled for his job, and would be gone a few days at a time.  Then he messed with the wrong woman who started harassing ME.......to leave him.  He confessed, and told me that he loved me and our sons and didn't want to end our marriage, she was just a tramp he met on the road.  That's what he told ME!  I'm sure what he told her was very different.  No man is going to be involved in an affair and tell the g/f that he's happy at home, and has no intention of EVER leaving.  Of course he's "not happy at home"!  If he told you otherwise, you wouldn't be where you are now.  Being with a man in a situation like yours, you do NOT see the real man.  He's not stressed out about your spending habits, or your housekeeping skills or lack thereof.  He's just a nice co-worker that has no reason to show you anything but the best side of himself.  After my divorce, I did exactly what you're doing.  I got involved with a married co-worker, actually my BOSS.  I heard the same stories you're hearing.  She was demanding, she didn't appreciate him, she spent money like it was water, etc. etc. etc.  But SHE was the one who went on vacation with him.  SHE was the one who got to move into the nice new house.  (Even tho he told me he couldn't leave just yet because he had two kids to get thru college, a big financial burden!)  I guess he thought I'd never realize that he still managed to buy a new house in spite of that financial burden.  In the end he got transferred to another city which was a saving grace for me.  I knew in my heart that he was NEVER going to leave his wife.  I knew that the things he told me were lies or exaggerations.  A few years later I saw an article  in the company newsletter about his happy 25th Anniversary celebration, accompanied by a picture of the loving couple!

This guy is married, and by now probably has 3 children.  He won't leave his wife (and more than likely can't afford child support for 3 children) while the children are young.  NO marriage is perfect.  Every marriage has days when you'd love to end it.  But usually, whether for love or for financial considerations, they stay where they are.  It's unfortunate that you have to work with this guy on a daily basis, but unless you can request a change, you're stuck with it.  If he makes you happy, then go for it, but understand that the chances of him leaving her for you are slim to nothing.  I know a woman who waited 30 years for a married lover, one excuse after another.....and then the wife got cancer (of COURSE he couldn't leave her then) and eventually died.  Then he had to wait a "respectful" time to introduce her to the family.  But before that time was up, he told her he was going to marry a woman he'd met on a sales trip, but not to worry, he'd still love her and spend time with her!!! 

Think about yourself and your future.  Enjoy, but be very careful......don't spend 30 years waiting like my friend did.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-28-2014
Fri, 03-28-2014 - 2:35pm
Hi kiki, welcome to MAS! If your AP worries about leaving his daughter, wait until he falls in love with those two little ones! He might not want to let go of you either but thats up to you to continue with the relationship. Good advice from fissatore and wow what a story!
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-28-1999
In reply to: kiki9984
Fri, 03-28-2014 - 3:15pm

Does this make sense to you, because it doesn't to me?  He says he is mad at his wife for wanting more kids because he only wanted one.  Now he is going to have three because of the twins.  So now he talks about having a baby with you!  So a man who supposedly only wanted one child is going to want to have child no. 4 with a woman he isn't married to just to give him an excuse to leave or to give his DW an opportunity to throw him out.  Why did he say he didn't want more kids?  If he adores his DD, then it seems more likely that he would be open to having a 2nd child--it's not like he's talking the 6th kid here.  If it was for financial reasons, then he's already got 3 kids now--once he figures the amount of child support he's going to have to pay, I think he'll probably never leave.  And I really think that even if he's unhappy, he'd find it really hard to be such a jerk to leave his DW right after she has 2 new babies--that will give him excuses to make for years about how he can't do that to her, even though he doesn't love her.  I do tend to agree that guys who start affairs usually aren't going to tell the AP that they really love their wives but they just want some excitement & sex on the side.

And it might even be true that he fell out of love with his wife, but it doesn't guarantee that he'll leave her.  About 10 yrs ago, my friend started an affiar with a guy she had known for years--both families were friends.  she was divorced.  Since she knew the wife and saw them together, it was clear that they did not love each other--they had no problem with having public fights.  But for some unknown reason (guilt, fear that the DW might commit suicide, or whatever) he never left his DW, even after the kids were grown and in college--and money was not an issue--he was rich.  So this went on for years and my friend wasted a lot of time when she could have been looking for a guy who was single.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2007
In reply to: kiki9984
Fri, 03-28-2014 - 5:13pm

The ladies  have already said many of the things I was thinking as I read your post.  But you asked so I'm going to toss in my two cents...

"I am asking for people who have had affairs to weigh in..."

I was the married individual in my A.  No excuses for my behavior - but I was very unhappy in my M.  I filed for D six months into my A for several reasons starting with the knowledge that if I was so unhappy that I would break my moral code - I needed to get out of that M. 

I try not to be judgemental but it does frustrate me, this refusal to change.  I have three children, divorce was very very hard and I still struggle with guilt over my indescretion (I am still with my AP/ BF - 8 years).  I also have a dear friend who has been waiting for her MM for 17 years.  She sacrificed children, holidays, and the joys of a committed partner in life and now as she slides into her 50's, she realizes that there is no going back.  She often wastes her energy being angry at her MM's wife and being angry with her MM for not leaving his W when she should be angry with herself for CHOOSING to continue a relationship with an unavailable man.   Ask yourself this, do you want to be like my friend and living in the shadows of this mans life - waiting for him to be "available"?  What if something happens to one of you?  How will you feel if he doesn't come to your bedside if you are sick or if you are banned from his?  Are you willing to sit at home while he vacations with the wife and kids and spends holidays with them?  If you are ok with these things then do what you may.  But, you don't get to complain because you knew the facts going in - I don't care what lies they spin, if they want to be with you - they can and will do what they have to do for that to happen.

I'm sorry this may have sounded harsh.  I pray you find the wisdom to value yourself enough not to compromise your life.

Huggs,

D

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-04-2006
In reply to: kiki9984
Sun, 03-30-2014 - 11:30am

Please, PLEASE, do NOT get pregnant!  You would run a very high risk of being a single mother.  Plus, in order to get child support from him you'd most likely have to take him to court, and the entire mess will be out in public for the world to see.

EVERY person involved in an affair says "I know affairs are wrong but ours is different!  We're really, truly in love!"  Unless you're one of those rare women who can just enjoy an affair for the sex and have no emotional ties to the AP, you ARE going to get (be) attached and you ARE going to be repeatedly disappointed, hurt, jealous (of the wife), anxious, stressed...and of course, the waiting for the AP to leave his wife while you dangle in limbo, possibly for years.

I have a friend who was waiting for her AP to leave his wife for years.  He had excuse after excuse, then lo and behold, one day he did finally leave his wife!  But instead of going to my friend, he began a relationship with a new woman, and my friend was left out in the cold.

Yes, your affair may prove to be the one that has a happy ending, but keep in mind even if it does turn out the way you want, there will be a messy divorce (his), potential court battles with his wife for child and spousal support (particularly if she doesn't work), and problems with his kids adjustment.  And you'll have to break up with your unsuspecting BF.  It won't be all sunshine and roses, not for a long time.

Please think carefully.  I get that your feelings are hard to disregard, but please think about your emotional survival.  If you just plain don't care about what the future might hold, then I'm sure you'll choose to carry on.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Sun, 03-30-2014 - 11:07pm

Agree 100% that please, please do not get pregnant.  I understand there are circumstances, unknown or incomprehensible to outsiders, that compel you to have an affair.  And for some people, it is a "relationship" that works.  But please do not bring an innocent child into the equation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2014
In reply to: kiki9984
Mon, 03-31-2014 - 3:29pm
Kiki, you meet people for a reason. Either they are a blessing or a lesson. I think in this situation you were meant to learn something valuable from him. I'm sure he does feel for you alot but please know when those twins arrive it will be a reality check for him. He has more responsibility on him now. Do you think in your heart of hearts that he will walk away from his wife & three kids now??? Even if he genuinely wanted to most people stay because they feel a loyalty towards their family. Most people stay because its convenient and comfortable and you'll be surprised how much that alone will allow a person to stay.