an affair not going anywhere?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
an affair not going anywhere?
25
Tue, 02-09-2010 - 5:02pm

hi!
Nine years (2001) ago i met again the girl that i really liked.
Prior to that, we knew and liked each other when we were both single, we spent time talking, chatting, and dated a few times. I know deep in my heart that i'm in loved with her and that she's the one, but during those times we're both in a different relationship, that we both ended marrying. Now she's married to Him , and me to another woman (x). A case of best friend not ending with each other.

She has a daughter who's an exceptionally good and talented @ me with a daughter and a son. There's even a time our daughters would go to the same school.

That special moment of 2001 started something that time kept deep within us and we again communicated, dated and cared. I never stop caring for her, wondering what life could've been and happiness that i only felt in her presence.

After a year we begun to be intimate, that i begun to distance myself to my x. In this world, no secret remained secret, especially to the small town we lived and no matter how careful a man can be, there will be lapses.

True to man's advice, never admit if you care for your partner, but in my case, i bravely admitted, no remorse nor 2nd thought, i guess that bit and knocked me from senses that i do not care anymore.

After a year i separated, with me is one of the children, and i never even doubted myself from the time i left x that i was doing the right thing.

I am never selfish, i felt that years after, i can breath and sleep with peace. Friends and family never said a word to my decision because they knew the hell i've gone thru with x.

I've been open and vocal to every body, discreetly, with my status.

Sadly, our affair is now 9 yrs, i am separated, she's not. I always prodded her if she can, always her reason why she can't separate is her daughter.

I have loved, spoiled, pampered and she always said - nobody loved, cared and took care of her like i do but .....

It is true that on my part no contentment can be felt, no complete happiness nor peace of mind can be had if she's with him. even we talked for hours, spend a day or 2 together, Even intimacy last only hours of comfort. Reality always crept that she's not mine.

There will always be something to argue, to misunderstood, and jealous, either from me or her but God knows, i Love her that much that she's the only girl in my life, from morning to evening.

i supported all her needs, from the smallest and basic to her heart's desire. I always checked what is good, what is best and what will make her happy. I adjusted, understood, give time just for her to feel i love her.

Although much can be said from the good that she does, from my moods and jealousy that always come in bundle. From the sorry and apologies and difficulties of living with a husband that she alleged is doing her no wrong and giving her no reason to separate.

It is difficult knowing she spend more time with me, having sex only with me and true happiness from me but she can't leave or separate.

After 9 years even steel gets dull, i'm already doubting her, questioning her intentions, hopeless and helpless to get her.She cannot even give me any plan, timeline or actions that can make me say we're moving.

Pls advise

Edited 2/9/2010 5:08 pm ET by indecentaffair




Edited 2/9/2010 5:08 pm ET by indecentaffair

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-06-2010
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 2:54am

you are a divorced man still seeing a married woman, and you love her with all your heart?


i understand the longing you have for her, the ache you must experience at missing her, and when she goes. but divorce does hurt EVERyone, and she just is not ready. you can silently wait, and see her on her terms or really end this situation and begin a new life with someone who is available 100% to you.


she is lucky to have you. you obviously adore her and would do anything for her. i wish my AP would let me know half as much.


good luck, and take care!

when one does not love too much, one does not love enough --blaise pascal
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 10:41am

I understand you are in a very tough situation.. the two choices you have:

- accept nothing will change and this the best it is going to get and this is what you deserve and cannot do any better.. so accept what you have and live with it..

-leave her, cut off all communications, lead your own life and she leads her own, and if there is a better future for the both of you, this is the only way either of you will get there.. on your own...

--

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-13-2008
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 12:51pm
If its not going anywhere,just end it.I guess you are enabling your AP to stay in the M.She is getting all the love from you ,being treated very well and all the benefits of being M as well.
I would suggest that you take a break from here so that you and she can both sought out what you want.Her missing you might enable her to take the step that she needs to else you would know.
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Wed, 02-10-2010 - 9:07pm

"no matter how careful a man can be, there will be lapses." that is true. i agree with you.

i am really sorry for all that you have been going through. it seems like her marriage is working just fine and she sees no reason to leave. she might be afraid of the unknown. afraid that she might leave a marriage that was fine and next thing when she marries you, you (both of you, that is) have problems of some sort that can't be rectified. don't know. just my opinion. i keep saying this -IT IS REALLY DIFFICULT WHEN BOTH OF YOU ARE MARRIED. cause if one decides to leave their spouse and the other decides to stay, it must be difficult. i read a similar post to yours sometime ago.

she gives you no timeline? Hnmm. sounds like she has no plans to leave.

if you see that things are taking too long, and you have reached the point where you have had enough, then you may have to make a decision and establish no contact. tell her how you feel and the fact that you need sometime away from her just to think. what you could do is to keep busy so that things may be easier for you IF YOU INTEND TO END IT. let us know what you plan to do. Take care.

k2002
k2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Thu, 02-11-2010 - 11:26am
i guess all of you are right in saying - leave or continue - decide
i know there's much pain and sleepless nights.
I am now 40 and she's 35, well i guess i spent the prime of my life waiting and hoping.
One of the reasons i never hesitated separating with x is i do not want it to happen in the later part of my life, then again, life is a joke, i'm stuck in the same scenario that i avoided .
It takes a lot of strength and courage to leave, cut off and forget. If i can only be objective as i always been.
I manage more than 100 employees and I never been this hesitant nor discourage to decide.
I guess this is the weak point in my life, when emotion sets in, obvious truth can't be seen, even my mind cries foul, my heart simply ignore, I'm not sure anymore if it is numbness or dumbness but i can definitely say, i'm still in love with her.
How can i not be if for 9 years my world was simply around her, it's like loosing a gf, best friend and confidant?
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Sun, 02-14-2010 - 10:37am
it's the most wonderful time of the year .... hear that tune
well, i'm singing alone in my room
nah not bec i'm happy but bec valentine is over
too bad for us in this situation, it's either advance or late celebration.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-20-2010
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 5:35pm

Hi...

I had been posting on EAS, as I am trying to end my affair, but after going NC and knowing that it is not really over I am respecting that board.

I am a MM involved with a MW for 4 1/2 years...we both have one child. Early in the A, she seemed very eager to leave her M. We had agreed that each needed to make their own decision, so I didn't push her one way or the other. However, 2 1/2 years ago, I separated from my W and moved out of our home. We are still married, but I am living apart and feel pretty confident that we will divorce. During this time, my AP has spent quite a few (not enough) nights with me, but the honest truth is that I hate it when she goes home to her husband. It kills me that we aren't together, especially for the BIG romantic days (NYE, Valentine's, Birthdays). The whole situation brings out a lot of jealousy in me and I struggle to keep it a bay.

Just like you, when are together she tells me that no one cares for her the way I do; no one loves her the way I do; no one pampers her the way I do. Do I mind? Absolutely, not...I love taking care of her; cooking for her; loving her. It tears me apart though, to know that despite all of my "love", when she returns to her husband he is the recipient of her care and attention. It used to be okay with me, because I believed that she wanted out of her marriage and was trying to figure out how to make that happen. Now though, I am losing (have lost) faith in that.

She once told me that she didn't have sex with her H (she still tells me that they don't)
She once told me that her H was moving out of their home (4 1/2 years later they still live together)
She once told me that she and her H no longer share a bed (she recently acknowledged that they do...but without sex...right, am I stupid?)

So, what does all of this add up to?

I feel like out situations are similar, even though I am not yet divorced. The main reason I have been trying to end this affair (I am not quite ready yet) is that the total effect of what I listed is starting to outweigh the few pleasurable moments we spend together (I haven't seen her in 4 months). I feel a lot of love for her, but what kind of love can tolerate her spending time with another man...even if it is really sexless or emotionless. I want to be with her, just as you want to be with your AP.

I am sorry that you are in this situation. I have often thought about what my AP would do if I did move to divorce my W. If I am honest with myself, I think that she would hope that our A could continue, with her staying in her marriage, and that I wouldn't date anyone else...how realistic is that?

Perhaps, that is the next step for you. You sound like a decent guy that deserves to be with someone that is willing to make you a central part of their life. Rather than go NC, what if you simply told her that you were going to start dating. Would you be willing to still see her until you meet someone else that you want to pursue a relationship with? Put the decision back on her. You are available to her, it's up to her to decide if she wants to take advantage of the opportunity.

Good luck.

MPV

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Tue, 02-16-2010 - 8:03pm
MPV
it is nice to know i'm not alone with this kind of situation, but knowing i'm not alone does not give any pleasure because it is painful to see someone suffer.
happiness that AP gives will be from someone else's she's taking.
it's a no win situation, knowing only one man (either me or H)will be happy, not counting the people around her that will be affected.
a no win situation for us, and a win (no loose) for her.
Sometimes truth can easily be seen by someone looking from the outside, no we're not too blind nor dumb, just farsighted(cannot see near object).
I had weigh all the possibilities and only my emotions tilting the balance for her.
with regards to your suggestion, it is very plausible to see someone else but i know myself, i'm not the type of man.
i prefer that i will give my best until the last second of the A, i will not look anywhere other than her; but once i'm drained or suffered too much already , i will simply walk away and never look back.
i prefer to give my 100% best from the start and it will be up to her to maintain it. Slowly it might wilt and drain then i will wait for the last drop before i say it's finish.
I simply do not want to picture myself @ the later part of my life, old and asking had i ...? will it be different?
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-27-2005
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 12:04am

"The main reason I have been trying to end this affair (I am not quite ready yet) is that the total effect of what I listed is starting to outweigh the few pleasurable moments we spend together (I haven't seen her in 4 months)."

you seem to be going through a lot of pain. i really feel it for both you and indecent affair. in both your situations, you are the married other man and as we all know, being the other person can REALLY REALLY HURT. i have been there being the other woman. i am actually an ex-other woman. i am not a counsellor, far from it. BUT LOOK WHAT YOU SAID ABOVE. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS SAYING TO ME. Although you are saying you are not ready yet, WHEN THE BAD TIMES START TO OUTWEIGH THE GOOD TIMES, YOU KNOW IT IS TIME TO GO. trust me. if you continue, you will just feel more and more pain.

but you said you are not ready. i understand that. you have not yet reached the point when you will say, "that's it." trust me, i have been there. take your time. let us know what you decide.

k2002
k2002
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2010
Wed, 02-17-2010 - 8:35pm
hi k2002
being over the hump, i guess you outgrow/outlived the A you had.
i wish you happiness and success.
Will it be ok with you if you can share to us, who left who? and as a lady, how does it felt and how you survived?
The reason i asked is not bec for us to know or handle ourselves but to know what will AP will go through after the A.
Being a man,sigh, and concern, like mpov, we really took care of AP, sometimes it is more painful to me to see that she might suffer or will be in pain after the A.
I guess i am more concern for her than myself - sign that i'm still emotionally attached to her?

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