an affair not going anywhere?
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| Tue, 02-09-2010 - 5:02pm |
hi!
Nine years (2001) ago i met again the girl that i really liked.
Prior to that, we knew and liked each other when we were both single, we spent time talking, chatting, and dated a few times. I know deep in my heart that i'm in loved with her and that she's the one, but during those times we're both in a different relationship, that we both ended marrying. Now she's married to Him , and me to another woman (x). A case of best friend not ending with each other.
She has a daughter who's an exceptionally good and talented @ me with a daughter and a son. There's even a time our daughters would go to the same school.
That special moment of 2001 started something that time kept deep within us and we again communicated, dated and cared. I never stop caring for her, wondering what life could've been and happiness that i only felt in her presence.
After a year we begun to be intimate, that i begun to distance myself to my x. In this world, no secret remained secret, especially to the small town we lived and no matter how careful a man can be, there will be lapses.
True to man's advice, never admit if you care for your partner, but in my case, i bravely admitted, no remorse nor 2nd thought, i guess that bit and knocked me from senses that i do not care anymore.
After a year i separated, with me is one of the children, and i never even doubted myself from the time i left x that i was doing the right thing.
I am never selfish, i felt that years after, i can breath and sleep with peace. Friends and family never said a word to my decision because they knew the hell i've gone thru with x.
I've been open and vocal to every body, discreetly, with my status.
Sadly, our affair is now 9 yrs, i am separated, she's not. I always prodded her if she can, always her reason why she can't separate is her daughter.
I have loved, spoiled, pampered and she always said - nobody loved, cared and took care of her like i do but .....
It is true that on my part no contentment can be felt, no complete happiness nor peace of mind can be had if she's with him. even we talked for hours, spend a day or 2 together, Even intimacy last only hours of comfort. Reality always crept that she's not mine.
There will always be something to argue, to misunderstood, and jealous, either from me or her but God knows, i Love her that much that she's the only girl in my life, from morning to evening.
i supported all her needs, from the smallest and basic to her heart's desire. I always checked what is good, what is best and what will make her happy. I adjusted, understood, give time just for her to feel i love her.
Although much can be said from the good that she does, from my moods and jealousy that always come in bundle. From the sorry and apologies and difficulties of living with a husband that she alleged is doing her no wrong and giving her no reason to separate.
It is difficult knowing she spend more time with me, having sex only with me and true happiness from me but she can't leave or separate.
After 9 years even steel gets dull, i'm already doubting her, questioning her intentions, hopeless and helpless to get her.She cannot even give me any plan, timeline or actions that can make me say we're moving.
Pls advise
Edited 2/9/2010 5:08 pm ET by indecentaffair
Edited 2/9/2010 5:08 pm ET by indecentaffair

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Hi k2002,
Thank you for your comment. I totally understand what you are saying. I am in IC and am working hard with my T to understand my expectations and to be willing to commit to my wants/needs. It's hard...as we know.
At one level, I feel like my A is really just a repeat of my M. My M hadn't been working for a long time. I suffered with that for a while, withdrew emotionally from my wife and then turned to my AP and an A. Even though I have moved out of my home, I haven't ended that relationship. It's not much of a surprise that I am struggling with the idea of ending my A.
My A was fine for a few years...up until 2-3 months ago, really. I didn't have many expectations and was happy with the time I spent with her, when the opportunity presented itself. I am trying to understand what changed for me recently that has caused me to feel that the balance has shifted toward the sadness outweighing the happiness. One of the things we all have to learn in a affair is that we can't really count on a future...we have to find a way to stay in the present; enjoy the time we get and try to have that carry us into the next meeting. I know that this is the attitude of my AP. She is comfortable with the current situation. Even if I take what she tells me to be true, that she isn't intimate with her H, she has no problem continuing our A and managing it the best we can. I don't know that I can get there...but as I said, I am not quite ready for it to end.
I have felt (feel) that all things taken together, an affair is simply wrong. As 'indecentaffair' has said, my happiness comes at the expense of someone else...her H and, to a great extent, her Son. It hurts me to think about that, so I put it to the back of my mind...I am certain that my AP feels the same about my W and son. Who can really take a lot of pleasure in knowing that someone else will be hurt?
I have seen plenty of stories of long-term affairs. I even know of a couple that were in a 20+ yr A, MM and SW, where he recently divorced his W and they are now in a full relationship. In order for an A to last for such a long time, the APs clearly have balanced their expectations. I am not saying that there isn't stress and insecurity, but it's only through some communication and expectation setting that an A can last.
Now, I am not suggesting that continuing this A for another 5-10 years would be okay with me. I have no idea whether I could tolerate that for such a long period of time. However, I don't believe that one should just jump off a moving train. Right now, I am taking time to understand my wants and need, and to be able to express them confidently.
What more can any of us do?
ea is not for all.
unlike in the movies where we see mostly girls are emotionally in pain in EA, it seems us in the lead role.
i never really thought, not in my dreams, that i would be in such a scenario, where i will be emotionally attached and suffer in a right relationship, to a right partner @ a wrong time.
err - i must be paranoid to know what is right and wrong
i wouldn't say that i outgrew the emr. i would say that i got tired of waiting on him to divorce his wife. you see, if i didn't say it before, i will tell you. i was involved with mm for a total of 10 years. i was a single other woman. 6 years after we got involved , he separated from his wife. i never dreamed that i would have to wait so long for him to start filing for divorce. although at the time they were five grounds on which one can file for divorce, and a divorce took longer to get than it is now, i certainly did not expect that after 4 years of being separated, he still would not have started filing for divorce yet. he made lots of excuses. i think some were good reasons, however. the first was that he did not have any money to file. okay, that was a common one and a very real one. i can understand that one.
but when i made suggestions on how he could obtain the money, he had an answer for everything. every time, he would give me a time frame and when the time ran off, there was another explanation. the second to last explanation was that his now ex-wife's mother was filing for his wife and children and because of that, he couldn't start filing for divorce yet, as the immigration papers and the divorce papers could not be filed at the same time. so the immigration papers had to be filed first before the divorce papers. the last straw came one September when a timeline he gave me was up. so i asked him if he is going to file for the divorce now. he said that sending the children back to school was more important than the divorce. now i am not saying that sending the children back to school was not important. but he should not have said that. he could have said that he has to deal with that first, and then he deals with the divorce afterward. i got upset. we had a little argument over that. it took me a few weeks to make my decision. many sundays when my relative who i lived with was gone to school, i thought long and hard and came to my decision. it was now 4 years since he separated and he had not started filing. i couldn't take it any longer and decided to tell him for the THIRD AND LAST TIME that i was done.
i had ended the relationship twice before, no contact and all but resumed afterward. i decided this time that this was it. i just couldn't put my life on hold any longer for him. so i was the one who left him. i really loved him you know. and he loved me. but although i loved him, i was totally frustrated at this point. you know i really did not refer to our relationship as an an affair. i couldn't even stand the name. i just used to say -'my relationship or my relationship with a married man." i never used to refer to it as an emr either.
you know when he got the divorce? well he got it SIX YEARS AFTER I LEFT HIM. THERE IS NO WAY THAT I WOULD HAVE WAITED UNTIL THAT TIME, SO IT IS A GOOD THING I LEFT. CAUSE I WOULD BE INVOLVED WITH HIM FOR 16 YEARS BEFORE HE GOT THE DIVORCE.
look for a followup to this post tomorrow. i will start a new discussion on the topic-"do you ever wonder what would have happened if you had not ended your emr? the thought came to me either last night or the night before.
K2002,
Thank you for posting your story. It really does lay it out there. It's a path that I certainly worry about, but at the same time, I don't think I could wait that long.
Like you, I try to be understanding of the situation. I think that is common for the person who doesn't really have the power in the relationship. I am coming to the conclusion that it is highly unlikely that my AP will make any significant changes in her life over the next few years that would open the door for us to have a different relationship ( I'm not even convinced that I would ). As I said in a follow-up on another thread, the truth is I feel more vulnerable than frustrated. I could deal with frustrations, but not feeling exposed. To add to all of it, there is no talking about any of this and it would only add to her stress and result in the end of the A.
Writing this stuff, talking to my T and leaning on my friends has been a huge help. I listen to what I say and I read what I write. I know that if I weren't the one writing the story, I'd be telling the author that this is a bad situation from them and they need to get out.
I know that.
MPV
hi!
another sleepless night, huh, i guess i've been thru this kind of night that i lost count anymore.
last night we had a conversation, she threw questions to me such as:
1. what are my plans for her
2. will she be secured? as in if she leave her H and daughter, can i assure her ?
3. where will she stay ?
4. do i want to have a child with her?
5. will she be my priority?
6. what is my set up ? ( why not her set up instead ?)
7. since there's no reason for her to separate ( no reason? me!)it shouldn't be me bec it will make her look bad
8. etc etc.. gRRRRRRRRRR
Shouldn't i be the one asking because i'm the one separated and waiting? shouldn't i be the one who needs to know?
Well i guess, being the 1st to separate gives me no hand to negotiate and wooed.
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