Affair or Destined to be Together- HELP!

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-30-2003
Affair or Destined to be Together- HELP!
3
Fri, 04-16-2004 - 11:06pm
Hi- I'm not really sure what kind of support I need. I've posted on the Ending an Affair support group, but in reality, I don't want to end this and am seeking some understanding and kindness. I'm trying to make sense of all of this. I think I am involved in an emotional affair, and I don't want it to stop.

It's a long story that began almost one year ago with a new friendship. A coworker and I would occasionally go out for lunch together. My life began an incredible transformation where I lost weight, started to feel better about myself, basically found the person I had been all along, but had forgotten. The lunches became times where we'd share so much about our personal lives. I was in a relationship with a long-term partner who neglected me and he had a fiancée who he lived with and had been with for 4 years. The lunches started to involve a lot of flirting and innuendo. They happened more frequently. I broke up with my partner, and we continued to stay friends. About 4 months of this, it got physical. There was no intercourse, but on four occasions, it came as close to it as possible. After the first kiss, he said we probably shouldn't have done this.

After the second kiss, which lasted for almost two hours, he said this couldn't happen again. A third moment happened where he afterwards said he felt terrible- like a bag of dirt. This of course made me feel terrible because I imagined he looked at me as a whore, which I probably was being. There was another moment and then it stopped. He said it felt like cheating to do the physical stuff and he couldn't hurt his girlfriend. He said he wanted to remain friends, that he didn’t want to change our relationship or stop what we had. A few times I've tried to pull back, and he is very resistant, claiming he feels nothing needs to change.

We work together, and have been having lunch daily for over 6 months, give or take. He has only admitted feelings of friendship for me. At one point mentioned that I did mean something to him, and he did care. Does not want to talk of feelings of any other nature-said that "no good" always came of it. Said that the first moments happened because he wasn't getting any intimacy at home. Was very adamant that nothing else would happen, but it always did.

Lately he mentioned he had thought about one very intense moment from time to time. We talked about it happening again. The last time was about 6 months ago, nothing since then. He backed out. Then the issue came up again recently- this time we went through with it. Before doing anything I asked if this would affect our friendship, otherwise I didn't want to go through with it. He said it wouldn't. I asked how he would feel and he said he'd be ok. I just didn't want his guilt to consume him and have him be disgusted in me. He said he was fine and we'd be fine. So it happened. The next day I asked him if he was ok, and if we were ok. He said we were, but didn't want to talk about it again. We talked and joked about other things as if nothing had happened the previous day. It bothered me that we couldn't talk about this- it made it feel like it never happened.

Here's my dilemma- I'm getting mixed messages from him. All along he's said nothing would happen again, and six months since the last thing, another moment happened. He's always said I pursued him (jokingly), that the moments were not great, that I was just waiting for him to break up with his girlfriend… and I find out a month ago that he's been thinking about "the moment". Then we do it again. He's come very close once to breaking up with his girlfriend, but seemed like he was trying to work on things. He mentioned about how they argue, and how she is very dispassionate to the point where he feels sexually frustrated. One time he even suggested we should be together- all when he was frustrated with her. There was one lunch hour where he asked me if I was developing feelings for him, and it came out of the blue. I don't know if his intention was to tell me they'd never be returned, or tell me that he was developing feelings for me. To protect myself, I said no and made a joke of it. Should I have admitted the truth, that perhaps feelings were developing?

The truth is, I think I have fallen in love with him. I don't want to end our friendship because it adds something to my life. I've been on other boards that advocate no contact, but I can't do that. I work with him, and I hang out with him every day. I don't want to do that. I contemplated it for a while, and set the wheels in motion, and I felt completely terrible. My health was literally suffering- headaches, sleep disturbances… So, I decided that I didn't need to give him up. And that I wouldn't.

Morally and ethically I know this is wrong. I am a smart, educated, professional woman- and I know better. I can't seem to turn off these feelings that were re-ignited again. I can't ask him about his feelings because he refuses to talk about them. I just wish I knew if he was in love with me. A friend at work who knows said that she felt he was in love with me, but was too afraid to leave his fiancée because they had a house together, and a history together. She said that it's obvious from how he looks at me that he loves me, but will never change his life because I am there filling in the gaps left by her. Said I should stop seeing him and that would force him to realize who he loves. I can't do that, I don't want to do that- because it would hurt both of us, and because he is more likely to pick her.

I would like to believe that he does love me in some way, then it would help me feel like I hadn't been used. Maybe we used each other. I don't think I’m imagining the looks. There are times when it seems like he wants to say something, but stops short. Could it be possible that he does love me?

Any advice for this professional fool?

Snap

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 1:12pm
I agree with your friend. I think it's time for you to move on. YOU DESERVE BETTER!! He at least needs to talk to you. I am involved with a MM & although I am now playing the waiting game, he is very open and honest with me about what is going on in his head. He talks to me anytime I feel the need to talk, which is really quite often these days. Maybe it's because he wants to keep me around, but it does make me feel better. For you, I think he needs to make a decision. He's not already married, so the breakup with his GF would be much easier now than if waits until later. He needs to do alot of soul searching about what and, more importantly, WHO, makes him happy. Life is way too short. Do not waste your time!!!!!!! I know you said you don't want to end the relationship. I don't want to end mine either - so I know exactly how you feel! BUT, you should talk to him and let him know that you have feelings for him and that you can not continue with this relationship if he is not even willing to discuss anything with you. It seems that he is most concerned about himself, when he should be concerned about how this is affecting the BOTH of you! He's not the ONLY one in this situation!! If it's meant to be, he'll be back. Keep me posted!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-09-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 1:38pm
Of course he is frustrated with his girlfriend, he has you at his beck and call. Not only that, but he has no integrity, no honor. He is seeing you behind the back of his girlfriend. If he will do it with you, he will do it to you.

Find someone who actually has some respect for you. He has none for you, he is simply using you as a lunchmate and for an occasional romp. He has the best of both worlds. His girlfriend, and you. What man would NOT want two women to lust after him?

Do yourself a favor, and find someone without the baggage, someone who will truly care about you, and not treat you like this. No respect is no respect, and if he had ANY for you, his girlfriend would be gone, and he would make a committment to you.

Do you really want someone who would do this to another woman, or is this what you are willing to settle for? You have a great many years ahead of you, don't waste them on someone like this.

Life

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2004
Sat, 04-17-2004 - 1:43pm
Let me start by saying I know how you feel. I'm sitting in the boat with you. And I'm not going to tell you to stop seeing him because I too know that it doesn't work that way. I don't want to stop seeing my MM either. I too am having an emotional affair. It seems as if he is lacking the emotional ties at home and that is why he is leaning on you. That's how I feel anyway. Because why do MM or almost MM in your situation start a relationship with OW if there is no sex involved. Most EMA you hear of have sex involved and that usually because he isn't getting that at home. But how could a man stay married without the emotional strengths? These are things I don't understand.

Chances are he is in love with you or falling in love with you. But he obviously doesn't want to admidt it for some reason or other. Unfortunatly it is possible to be in love with more than one person. And of course we can't stop how we feel about a person.

I guess waiting is all that you can do now. I know no one wants to hear that and neither do I but if you really feel like someday it will work you just have to live it day by day. But don't push anything. He will open up when he is ready.

I hope this helps.