Affair with a public figure...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Affair with a public figure...
8
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 2:30am

Nice to know I am not alone.

I have a very interesting AP... he is a public figure in the state legislature. He is MM, I am M too. He is 20 years older than me. He has 3 children, his oldest is only 4 years younger than me. I am a lobbyist and work with him often. We've been having an affair for 7 months now. Since I have to stay at the Capitol for my job often, we see each other in my hotel rooms for about an hour to 2 hours once a week, sometimes once every other week. We DO NOT talk about the affair, we just have incredible sex. We've exchanged song lists of songs that remind us of one another, and that is the closest we have ever been to discussing our feelings.

I can tell this is nothing new for him... he is very structured. At first he wouldn't lay in bed after but would sit on a chair and talk to me while answering calls and emails. For the past few months, though, he's been cuddling with me afterwards. I've never asked if there are other women but I assume that there are. He has called me things like his "favorite," "best lover," "most fun." To me, these are all indications I am not the only one. This week he told me he was taking his secretary shopping (he has mentioned taking me shopping in the past but never followed through), he was clearly telling me this to get the exact reaction he got... jealousy. Now I am not an emotional person, but this news got the best of me. I had to tell him how I felt. He obviously knew I was unhappy about this rendezvous since he recommended my favorite restaurant for lunch the next day. I was aloof the entire lunch until he asked what was wrong. I expressed my disappointment and told him to never make me feel that way again, and he could accomplish that by just not telling me about other women. He agreed and apologized and I said "as long as I'm you're favorite," and he said "you know you are my favorite." Verification. The funny thing is, he is very jealous. He can not stand men looking at me, he keeps an eye on me at all functions we attend together, he always makes comments when men compliment me, and he always makes sure to "drive me back to my hotel." When he knows I am having drinks (drinks = business meetings for my job), he always wants to know who I am with and where. Control Freak.

I can't stop this affair. It is amazing sex with a very powerful (and ladies... he looks like pierce brosnan) man who understands me. I know him as a man everyone loves, a brilliant mind, someone people admire, all of these things he is worthy of... but I also know the dark side of him, the sad and lonely side of him. I have this side too. We may have 20 years between us, but I truly believe we were meant to be tangled in this web together.

I worry about his wife finding out, I worry about anyone finding out. Everywhere we go outside of the hotel room we are not in peace and half of our time is spent speaking with others, people coming to our table to shake his hand. These people continue to see us together. Do they know? Is this the norm among his crowd? Sometimes this makes me feel like his whore, not his lobbyist. I worry about people knowing and losing respect for me, I worry about my reputation. I am very young for my job, and worry about continuing my career with this reputation.

In 2 weeks we will be spending the night in the same hotel. I imagine we will spend the night together and this is the first time that will happen. I am excited but nervous because it is another level. Will I fall in love with him on this night, will it finally be the time we open up about our feelings for each other?

Why do we continue these affairs that will go nowhere? Why do we let ourselves fall? I've always been so strong and he makes me so weak. Life lessons? Sometimes I chalk it up to this.

Thank you for reading.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-27-2008
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 4:17am

Let me first say that the movie "No Way Out" immediately came to mind when I read your post!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-26-2006
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 9:57am

I've lived and walked in your shoes, and while there seemed like so much to stay for at the time, looking back I just don't know what I was thinking. I was the single OW a few times before I got married and all of those times, my MM was older, in a powerful position in our industry, well known, unhappy in his marriage. But he would never, ever consider leaving his marriage because having a "happy family" is part of keeping up that public image. The plain truth, and I can read it in your post, is that he is the puppet master and you are under his control. You think you want to be because you enjoy participating in the affair, but you are already questioning how you can feel so weak when you know you are a strong woman. I am a strong woman too, who was very young to be in such a professional position in a male dominated industry

 

 

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iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2006
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 11:53am

Lobbying_lady,


Hi.


I'll just add some data points here from my own point of view/experience.


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It is a good bet that many of the women around him know what kind of guy he is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Fri, 10-24-2008 - 10:16pm

Hi and welcome,

I know this isn't going to seem supportive, but here goes.

" I am excited but nervous because it is another level. Will I fall in love with him on this night, will it finally be the time we open up about our feelings for each other?"

Do NOT fall in love with this man. He is NOT going to return it. You already know you are one of many, and will continue to remain so. If you fall in love, you will be on your own. He will not fall in love with you and he won't tell you about his feelings for you. As another poster has said, he has a lot of power and part of that power is having a string of women such as yourself. If you are happy to keep having sex with this man, then do so, but don't for a second pretend it is anything else for him. If you even think for a second you are developing any feelings, run for the hills, and run very fast.

Understand that your career is at stake here. Are you prepared to lose it completely over him? He will be scandalised, but you will likely lose everything.

Pisces




Edited 11/23/2008 8:34 pm ET by pisces2008
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-28-2008
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 1:31am




I recently posted an article I found on another politician that was "outed" publicly. I am frankly tired of this stuff making front page news, because as we

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-05-2004
Sun, 10-26-2008 - 10:34am

your ego is fed by having sex with this man.


He chooses you. That feeds your ego.


You are the one who puts value on his choice.


That is why you say you "can't" stop.


You can stop.


question is...what would it take? Do you go until your life is ruined? you are setting yourself up because of your young age for patterns that could lead to unhappiness the rest of your life. Kinda like when

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 12:55am

Thank you all for your support and advice...

I know I have to stop seeing him for all of the reasons everyone has listed. I know what it can and will do to my reputation, to my beautiful marriage. My H and I met when we were 15 and have been together ever since. So you can see another reason i've found myself in an A. The A feels like it is being lived by another person other that myself. It is new and exciting, and bad (which has its own element of excitement). The woman in the happy marriage knows how and why to quit. The woman in the A can't get enough of all the excitement it creates in her life.

It is hard for me to realize who he might be on the inside, but, as someone said - he may be a politician but he is just like everyone on this board. Don't we all do it to feed our egos? Feel loved? Feel wanted? The voids we feel may manifest themselves differently, but we all have voids we're filling. He talks about his marriage often, how they have nothing in common... I never know what to say to him. I don't talk about my marriage at all, i like to keep it separate. I always think he's playing me, so I never give into these conversations. I wish I knew exactly who he was. Someone mentioned if I had heard about his reputation... I am afraid to ask, I do not want anyone reading between the lines.

This is an amazing support group, and I welcome everyone's advice.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Mon, 10-27-2008 - 4:25am

I didn't think I realised or you didn't mention before that you have a M you are not unhappy in. Many, many women on this board (and some of the men) start A's because they are starved of affection or attention. If you are not unhappily M and are a classic cake eater (that's OK here too) then you need to be very, very clear about what you are doing. And you cannot afford to have emotions come into your A. I believe there might be a couple of people on this board who are cake eaters and have an emotional attachment to their AP's but it's uncommon.

Your AP is a powerful, high up, very public figure. People know you are close to him. Probably many suspect you both of being in an A which is fine, until someone wants something to happen and exposing your AP's private life to the media and the public is a means to an end. You will also be dragged into the media circus by default.

If you have a good M, please work on it. If it's just that your M is stale, they all get that way after many years, when familiarity sets in. That doesn't mean they aren't any good any more, it just means you both have to be creative in making sparks. If there are issues, work on them, together, or by yourself in IC.

Your AP is a player and will not be there if/when there is a D-day, which for him will be worse than most becuase of the very public aspect of it. Ask yourself if you want your H to find out about you and him on the front page of the paper. Could your M survive that?

Where are you going to be in your life, with AP in six months from now? How long do you think you will remain his favourite? Be strong and let him go before you develop feelings, because if you do, you are on a train, heading full speed ahead for one gigantic wreck, and the biggest casualty will be you and your M.

I say this because I wouldn't want this to happen to anyone.

Pisces




Edited 11/23/2008 8:35 pm ET by pisces2008
pisces