An Affair ~ Sort of

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
An Affair ~ Sort of
11
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 1:13am

***NOTE: I am cross-posting a similar message on the Taboo Board, so thanks in advance for suggestions to post there.***

Hi All,

I'm new to this board and to the world of Affairs. I am a 34 y/o married mom of a young son. DH and I have been married for 6 years, but together for 16 total (started dating as teenagers). The M has been virtually sexless for the past few years. In the past, we've had sex if I initiated it, but lately DH absolutely refuses my touch. When I complained about lack of sex, he told me to go and have an affair if I was so interested in sex! Not only has he distanced himself physically, he has distanced himself emotionally as well. He refuses to talk to me about anything, unless it relates to our son. We are not even civil to each other anymore.

I know that most people will tell me to divorce him. I would, but that is so much easier said than done, especially with a small child involved. He is a great dad and actually helps out around the house, but he has made it clear that he does not want a "relationship" with me ~ will not talk about anything, will not make plans, etc.

My main problem is that I miss sex. I had limited sexual experience before the marriage, and now regret it, as I do not even have happy memories of sex to sustain me. I can handle the emotional abandonment in my marriage, but the lack of a physical relationship is killing me! I know that some people can live without sex, but it's all that I think about lately. It has become a major distraction for me.

In my frustration with my sex life, I signed up on a swinger's website, in the hopes of meeting a single male or a male (with his wife's permission) to explore my needs with. Well, I found a couple that I really like. This is not a threesome, but I will get to know the husband a little better, while his wife gets better acquainted with a friend of theirs. We plan to meet (just to talk), and if there is chemistry, we will meet again on two additional occasions. This is mainly due to geographic constraints. I have no intention of getting emotionally involved with this man or his wife.

I am all up for having this "fling", but have not told DH. I know that he will use this against me if ever we do get divorced. A "friend" from the swinger's message board ~ who is trying to have a fling with me ~ warned me against having a fling like this. (I am not bisexual, but she's trying to convince me to be - yeah, right!) I am not certain if she said this because she is jealous that I haven't set up a relationship with her, or if she said it out of concern. She will not give specifics about why she thinks I will regret this decision. BTW, this is a woman who gets jealous if I do not have time to talk to her for extended periods of time online.

Does anyone have any experience with having a fling with a swinger? I really want to go ahead with this, but would like to know other people's experiences.

Thanks!

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iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 1:34am

I think that any spouse that cuts off their spouse sexually is asking for trouble. I think that the reason that sex is dominating your thoughts is because you are entering your sexual prime. I noticed a HUGE increase in sexual desire around 35, and am still going REALLY strong a year later. Personally I hope that it passes soon, and I just have a regular sex drive, because I am starting to get on my own nerves. I actually went to my doctor because I was concerned about how preoccupied I was w/ sex. He asked me a few questions, and told me not to sweat it, it was normal.

I don't think that I would choose a swinger to experiment w/, but that's just me. That whole advertising for sex is a turn off to me. But if your H is acting like you say, then you will be one of the few that I would say go for it to. But I WOULD NOT tell him about it.

Have you considered that fact that perhaps something is medically wrong w/ your H? Usually a low sex drive in men is an indicator of a low testosterone level, and that's easy enough to remedy. A few pills, and he would be back to his old sexual self.

I think that he doesn't want to talk to you about anything, because he feels ashamed that he has no sex drive. He feels inferior, and ineffective. Most men are like dogs in heat, and your H knows that. He is probably wondering what is wrong w/ him. I am firm believer that if there is no sexual bond there will be no emotional bond (at least until your older.) Sharing yourselves together sexually goes a long way toward forging an emotional bond. Just some food for thought. Keep us posted.

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 1:35am
Dear MissHot,
Carrrrrried...away2
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 1:39am
Justice.. don't mean to hijack, but can you mail me a couple of those pills?
Carrrrrried...away2
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Sat, 11-29-2008 - 2:00am

Thank you for your quick replies Justice and Carried Away,

I have tried to talk to hubbie about his disinterest in sex. I am certain that it not is a physical problem. He's been check out by his doc already. Believe it or, I think that he is just angry at me, and this is why he refuses to be intimate. He is withholding sex as a way to punish me. He is always sneaking peaks at me while I'm getting dressed and his arousal is physically evident. He's had no problem performing the few times that I manage to get him in bed. He has a tendency to hold grudges: believe it or not, if we have an argument, he will not "let it go". He holds on to his anger, and unfortunately, this is how it manifests itself. Sounds crazy, but a few of his family members have this tendency to hold grudges as well (my MIL, especially). Some of them have actually gone years without speaking to each other over an argument.

Carried Away, I agree that swinging is a dangerous area. I just do not know what else to do. We live in a small community, and having a physical relationship with someone else here is out of the question ~ everyone would know. I guess that I am so caught up in wanting a physical release that I am willing to take a risk. DH and I had a good physical relationship until we had our son (almost 4 years ago). It was not an issue of weight gain ~ I lost all pregnancy weight quickly (had no appetite). This is also when we started to have financial trouble and lost several family members. This should have been a time for us to lean on each other for support, but DH pushed himself further and further away.

I would love to have a physical relationship with a caring, loving man. Ideally, I would divorce DH and move on with my life, but that isn't possible right now. I am well educated, with a graduate degree, but I am unemployed at the time. I do not have enough savings to just pick up and leave.

I agree, I should reconsider the swinger thing. I do not want to regret making a mistake that I could have easily prevented.

Thank you for being the voice of reason!

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2007
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 11:58am
I don't understand it, you are willing to live the next 15- 20 years like this and then get a divorce? You should do it now and move on with your life. Next time choose your partner more carefully, don't rush into anything.
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-09-2008
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 6:02pm

Hi and welcome to the board. Your M sounds like mine did. My H totally stopped intimacy, emotionally and physically. He looked at me sometimes too, but wouldn't let me touch him and nothing I did would get him interested. Have you considered your H is having an A and has said that to you so he can get self righteous (you said he has anger issues) if he catches you? I ask because mine was having an A and was (is?) also addicted to porn.

As for swingers, I don't have any experience with that, but think you're jumping in way, way too deep if you don't have a lot of sexual experience. I would be concerned it isn't what you are thinking you want. If you do decide to go ahead, then you need to be very, very cautious about meeting someone off the internet. You need to meet at very public places, make sure you arrive and leave in your own vehicle, tell someone where you are going and for how long and under no circumstances give out personal, identifying information.

I know you said you can't leave your M, but what you are thinking of doing is not a good idea. Read this board to discover the emotional mess you can easily become. You think you may only want sex, women can rarely manage that and if emotions get involved you will not believe what will happen to you. I would suggest you look very closely at your M and decide if you can fix it, if you want to be with your H or not. How your M will look in 10 years time if you do stay and decide what you really want. I know leaving with small children is difficult, but others before you have done it. Don't think that if you have an A you won't get caught, because the odds are that you will. Consider what will happen to your M then.

Pisces

pisces
pisces
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-02-2000
Sun, 11-30-2008 - 9:56pm

I actually HAVE had a little experience with meeting someone from an adult website. This was after I got divorced. I had physical needs (obviously), but just wasn't interested in having a relationship, so to speak. So I placed an ad. As I'm sure you've experienced, I got tons and tons and tons of replies. I actually met two people. Both of them I chatted online with for at least a month before I actually met them in person, and when I did, it was for lunch in a restaurant.

I'm not going to say that my experience with them was either bad OR good. They were both nice guys, I enjoyed talking to them, one more than the other. After meeting in person, I settled on one person to actually be physical with, which I was. Again, I'm not going to say it was horrible, but it wasn't great, either. I believe we actually got together about 3 or 4 times. It just wasn't the same as being with someone that you actually have a thing for. It wasn't icky like if you, say, picked someone up at a bar, because I actually felt like I knew him to some extent. But I do have to say that there is just something about this kind of an arrangement that felt very orchestrated, you know? I just don't think it was all that great. I definitely didn't have any bad feelings about it. I just can't see doing it again. Your experience, however, may be different.

I would just be really, really careful. And be really, really sure it's what you want really want to do.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2008
Mon, 12-01-2008 - 1:37am
Those pills you asked for, are on their way!! God I hope my prime doesn't last that long. Before at least I had a b/f, but he is a workaholic, so some days I was riding the edges of the coffee table anyway trying to wait for him to get off work. I'm already started to get a twitch in my right eye, and I know what that means.....no, I am just joking about the twitch, but I am concerned about what I will do about sex, because it is such an issue for me. I think I am going to buy a gas powered vibrator......well see :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2008
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 1:35am

My dear...

Carrrrrried...away2
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2008
Tue, 12-02-2008 - 5:35am

Hi All,

Thank you for the advice. Just to let you know, I completely chickened out of the arrangement. It was too much, too soon for me. Thank you all for being the voice of reason. I can't believe what I was about to do, and I'm glad that your posts gave me perspective.

BTW Boosfl, just because someone has an unhappy marriage doesn't mean that they rushed into it. I dated my husband for 10 years before we married, and believe me I had no idea that something like this (i.e. distance between us) could happen. The people who know of our difficulties are amazed because we were so close to each other. It just goes to show you that people change, and that life can be unpredictable.

Sillyme, thank you for candidly sharing your experience. It gave me real perspective, and helped me realize that this isn't what I want.

Pisces2008, Thank you for helping me to think of my marriage. Honestly, I truly think that it's over, but I think that I would be horrified if something like this came out in public, and if I contracted some disease despite taking precautions. I am sorry to hear about your marriage, and hope that things work out for you.

CarriedAway, I sure hope that you are wrong about a woman's sexual peak being in her 50s. I am in my 30s and struggling with this increased desire. I will probably spontaneously combust before I reach 50! :)

I never imagined that I would hit such a low point in my life, but thank God that this impending disaster was averted.

Thank you all for the advice again. I wish you all the best with your relationships.

Edited 12/2/2008 5:45 am ET by misshot2trot




Edited 12/2/2008 5:51 am ET by misshot2trot

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