Affair w/ Co-worker?

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Affair w/ Co-worker?
10
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:14pm
I would love to hear from those of you who are having affairs with co-workers to find out how you handle the office politics/gossip mill.

My MM and I were friends who flirted (he flirts with everyone) for a few years. The last couple of months things heated up and we are now having an A (not sleeping together though). So far we have mostly spent time together at work, but I found out right before Christmas Break from one of my friends that people are starting to ask questions about us. I guess I have been spending way too much time in his office, but it's not like we're in there fooling around(that's only been a couple of times). We're usually just hanging out talking (after school is out for the day by the way - no tax payer dollars being wasted with socializing) and there are almost always other people in there.

I'm frustrated because this is one of the only places where I can see him and it bothers me that we have to stop spending so much time together because people are gossiping about something they have no proof of. Of course, he does point out to me that they are right in their gossip. :-)

Sorry if I sound a little pouty/whiny. We have tried to get together outside of work, but it's extremely difficult.

Any suggestions for how to handle the gossip mill?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-22-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:31pm
MM and I met at work. We started the same day. We began our R in 1999, and broke up once for four months. We got back together, and have been together ever since. It's hard trying to hide our R from people at work. MM and I work together on a daily basis. We sit together on all our breaks, and even share a special night together at least once a month. I'm very lucky. People in our job are so nosy. Even if someone is not doing something, they are doing it. Did you ever hear that song "It wasn't Me". I forget who sings it, but that's our motto. DENY EVERYTHING. No matter what, people will talk. I still tell ppeople that we are only food friends, and some believe it, and the others, they probably don't. The way I feel, is that 1---They have no proof, and 2----It's none of their business. Hope you have an easier time at it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-02-2004
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:18pm
You have to do what makes you happy and forget what everyone else is saying. Life's to short to not see where love takes you.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:35pm
I really don't see what the big deal is. At work there is a co-worker with I'm very good friends with. We spend a lot of time together. Lunch, walking around the parking lot afterwards, just talking about things - work and non-work related etc. We even did a United Way Volunteer project together for a day where we went out and gave old folks advice on how to keep a safe home. One may think that for as much time as we spend together we are having an affair, but the fact is we are just friends. She is like my sister. I think her husband sometimes wonders because of the way he acts when I'm around however, there is nothing going on. As such, it's not on either of our minds. My point - there's nothing wrong with spending time together, because if you were just friends, you wouldn't care. It's because you have something to hide is why you do. I would say keep doing what you are doing, people will talk no matter what.

Are there like too many "lost" themes here??

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-23-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 2:50pm
I can understand what you are going through...people talk where I work too, but I have found it is mostly the people who have no lives themselves and need "drama" in their lives. Has it been difficult? Yes. Are we having an A? Yes. But I also agree with the previous poster who said 1) they have no proof and 2) it's none of their business. I also spend alot of time in my MM office. Sometimes people are around, sometimes not. I've asked him if he wants me to stop coming to his office and he's said "no." So, I really have to believe it's what he wants to...to see me as well no matter what people are saying.

MM and I have discussed "cooling it" for a while to tone down the rumors, but it's hard. We have not been able to do this. We have been lucky enough to be able to work on projects together that require a lot of "alone time." Sometimes, it's not all kissing and touching, but intense flirting and brushing of hands, shoulders, etc. Sometimes that is enough to sustain us.

I really don't know what to do as far as advice goes. MM and I try to always have the door to his office open and will kiss behind it for about a minute while he "gets his coat." What can I say? A's are hard. If people are truly your friends, they will not believe the rumors, even if there really is something going on. It's the people that need "drama" in their lives that will believe.

Both MM and H like cars, so on occasion in mixed company, I've said things like, "oh, you have to call my H tonight, he's got those prices you need for the parts for the car you are trying to remodel." MM never missed a beat and went along with what I was saying. Translation? You can't be having an A with someone if you speak to their H about cars.

The other thing I can tell you is DENY EVERYTHING!!!!!!!!!!!! TRUST NO ONE!!!!!!!!!!!! Not even if you think they are a good friend and will keep your secret. In an A, no one is trustworthy. (and besides, it could accidently slip at that office party when having too much to drink!)

I hope I've helped somewhat. Good luck.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-31-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 5:12pm
I too am having an affair with a co-worker. I love him very much, and I am planning on leaving my H. But since I have 2 small kids, this is taking longer than expected. However, the people I work with, that I thought were my friends, are talking about me behind my back also. It really bothers me, because they have no proof. OM and I ate together only a couple of times, and maybe walk down the hall together once in a while. But people say they can tell by the way we look at each other, that there is more going on. We've decided to cool things down at work for a while. That is hard on me, since that was my main time to spend with him. But here and there we spend time together outside of work. It's hard when you know that people are talking behind your back. But to me, it means they don't have anything better going on in their lives that they have to get involved in yours. Do you notice it's always the ones that seem to have issues of their own. I have distanced myself from the people that I know that are talking about me. I would probably tone it down a little, and maybe meet outside of work for lunch ( restaurant, car, etc.) Just don't let them catch you kissing, hugging, etc, then they don't have actual proof, and deny,deny, and deny. Good Luck!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-20-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 8:57am
I've taken a straight-forward approach when it comes to the gossip around the office. With the people who are near to me and who see MM and I together talking alot, I've actually went to them and said "Hey did you hear that MM and I are having an affair??!!" MM himself has been confronted with the gossip and pretty much takes the same approach. Confronting the gossip cools it off.

There are those who will gossip no matter what. And well, oh well!! It's been two years almost since it began, I'm thinking we've become a boring topic and they mostly moved on. We do try to be as discreet as possible. We do most of our talking on the phone, and I do have the luxury of us having *lunch* at my place at least once a week.

Oh, I'm pretty sure alot of people have it figured out, or think they do. But really to my mind, I think that if we totally stopped talking it would be more of a flag than anything.

Just remember that unless someone is in your shoes, they don't really know anything. And of course, as everyone else has said....deny, deny, deny!!!!!

CFH

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 12:51pm
Oh, the office rumor mill!!! What a blessed thing that is!!! Where would we obtain all our excitement if not for the rumor mill??? And yes, I'm being sarcastic. My MM is technically a co-worker, although we don't work in the same office. I've known him and been the best of friends with him for about a decade (he's been married the entire time) and we have, over the years, worked in the same office. For about a decade there have been rumors that I've been involved with him. I think I have the award for longest running rumor....I should be so proud. Ack, the pressure made us crack!!! They all said we were having an affair, so we thought we'd see what all the fuss was about. Again, being sarcastic.

Anyway, I've learned to ignore the rumors. At first they bothered me (perhaps because nothing was going on between us), but now I don't care. People are going to think what they want, no matter what the actual truth is. And, it really isn't anyone else's business. You are supposed to go to work to do your job....not audition for a part in some twisted soap opera (this is how I perceive those involved in the rumor mill to be....so desperately wanting to be involved in something thats even remotely exicting...but that's just my opinion...and yes, I am guilty for listening in on the rumors about others that my girlfriends share with me).

Just my take on the whole issue.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 5:36pm
I guess people have nothing better to do than talk about everyone else. I have been seeing a MM (I am also M) off and on for over a year. We have worked together and been pretty good friends for the past three years. We were meeting after work but now we have different days off. I would call his cell periodically when he was at work just to talk. Sometimes it was about legitimate work but usually not. He has answered then phone a few times in the presence of other co-workers. Since I live fairly close to work I have also gone there on my off time to meet him and talk. I didn't really think much of it because we spent alot of time together before the EMA. Some of our co-workers have been commenting that they think something is going on. They will not say anyting to me but have been giving my M a bad time. He has been telling me that I need to cool it although it is usually him that is guilty of public displays of affection (verbal and physical) He is very upset about the gossip. We got into an argument about it before Christmas. I told him that I wouldn't call his cell anymore and will no longer make special trips to work to see him.

I'm afraid this is going to end our relationship. He told me during the argument that he is miserable at home (which I already knew) and that if he did not have children he would leave. I too am miserable at home but am not ready to go yet. I do not have any "expectations" as far as his leaving. We enjoy the time that we get together. Its the period of time immediately after that is tough to deal with. I never know when I am going to get to see him. He is all I think about

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 6:05pm
Dazed people do not need prove just a phone and a grudge against you or MM to start makeing waves in your pond.

Watch you step.

FREE

Avatar for citygirlintn
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-07-2003
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 8:05pm
OM and I work together, but he is more in the professional end of things, where I am more in the support staff. It's hard to describe without giving too much info! Anyways, I think a few of the "professionals" know, a few guys that he's friends with, but we have been extremely lucky and they seem to have been pretty discreet about it. Let's also say that out of about 80 employees, there are about 10 women (it's not a discriminatory thing, just the nature of the field). So the professionals are mostly older (OM is 42) and are generally a really nice bunch of guys, and I think they're kind of cheering for OM in a way, since I'm 23, LOL.

OM kissed me (on the lips! Even though I turned my cheek) on NY Eve about an hour after midnight, since we were working at 12am. This was right in the middle of where I work, and that did become an issue when a co-worker saw and guessed something was up. I denied all I could, and explained it away as "tradition" but he just *knew*....he has also been pretty discreet, and AFAIK, no one else knows.

I have been very lucky so far; we can steal kisses sometimes in the one hallway w/o a camera, and he comes over to my place about once a week. If we're really lucky, we get in a good chat at work and if I'm having a bad day, just doing that makes me feel so much better. I'm guessing the longer it lasts, the more gossip will spread, but until then, I'm just enjoying it. I agree with what everyone said--DENIAL is a great thing...remember that people WILL talk, and you have to learn to let it go (as my OM says) like water off a duck's back. Good luck! :)