Affairs & Children - Friday Question

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2004
Affairs & Children - Friday Question
13
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:45am
Yes...it took me until Friday morning to come up with a question, so here goes it....

cl-noregretsyet (co-cl of MAS board)
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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:56am
Hi, NYR,

My kids know. (At least to a point.) I'm not proud of having an affair, but they know because we came so close to actually making this permanent.

The good thing is that they can hear what I'm saying when I tell them that affairs aren't a wonderful idea.

The bad thing is that I have to try to explain that while you can control your actions, you can't always choose whom you love. And then I have to try to show them how to handle the consequences of my own actions.

Or is that a good thing, too?

My mother had an affair when I was younger. She never admitted it, although my Dad told me last year. I guess I knew, but I didn't want to know. I wish we'd been able to talk about it, though. It might have made some of this easier for me.

Cazrida

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-17-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:57am
My mother had an EMA, which she finally fessed up to recently (although, I pretty much suspected all along.) And my MM told me his Dad had an affair. So, I always wonder about that, could it really be just coincidental? Or is it some subconscious thing????

I probably would tell my child, It's kind of hard to say at this point. But, I know I wouldn't want to lie to her either. I think it would depend on certain circumstances.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 10:03am
I wouldn't because I was caught with my A in front my child!! Yes, it was my peace order that came home that told her I was up to something no good. If you had been in my shoes you would have said no to it telling children, belive me. What do I say to her, "that mommy was in love with somebody other than daddy and that's why I got the police sent home??" Doesn't sound too appealing to me... LOL I would never do it. Maybe I haven't been in comfortable and reassuring A's like you all guys.

However I wanted to add, if she is in such a situation herself in the future(which I pray not, she can tell me and I will still be her friend. I will not judge her. Then I might revist the idea of telling her about my no good A, so that she can see an A can be very disastrous at times.


Edited 5/14/2004 10:07 am ET ET by go_fish

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-14-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 11:09am
After this marriage is over, then yes I could probably tell my daughter if she is old enough, it would be difficult to look at my son and tell him. But time will tell.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-24-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 12:58pm
I'll say a qualified yes. My ex's dad was a womanizer of the worst sort. He led such a train that you can't believe. He is now married to the last of his mistresses. They've been together 20+ years and they are really, really good for each other. So, in anticipation that THEIR situation would become known to my children at some point, their father and I have *always* made very factual, yet neutral, nonjudgemental remarks about infidelity. Of course, now that I've been in an affair, I'm hoping that the foundation I've laid will help my children forgive me if they ever find out, lol!!!

Seriously, it would depend on WHY the topic came up in the first place. Would I be helping them to make a life decision??? Is there pain, torment, confusion from their own affair or from one their loved one is having?? Are they tempted to engage in one? Or are they simply curious??? In the first examples, I might be inclined to come clean. In the last, no, I wouldn't. But I would also like to think that I had told their dad at this point, because I'd hate for him to have heard it from them. If he were to search deep within himself, he'd know already, but he doesn't give any indication of knowing I was unfaithful.

Lucky

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-31-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 1:00pm
My kids are way too young for me to even be able to answer this question - but, I suppose it depends on the situation between my H when they get older. My gut feeling is that I probably wouldn't unless there was a circumstance that they could use my advise on. Gosh..now you've gotten me thinking about my parents? I wonder if they ever did?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 5:55pm
I'm a single mom of a 19 year old daughter and when she was 16 1/2 I sat her down and told her because we live in a very small town and I wanted my daughter to hear it from me first in case we ever got discoverd.

I have been very honest with my daughter when ever she askes me questions, she wishes that my MM and I could be together because she likes him and she knows he makes me happy.

My MM and I have been together 3 1/2 years and going strong!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 6:05pm
The only reason I would tell my children about my A is if

I ended up married to my MM -

At that point it would have to come out -I WOULD WANT IT OUT !!!

-I feel that at that point I would have to tell them because either they

will over-hear something about the past and put 2 and 2 together and be

hurt by it or I would slip up somewhere and be stuttering to explain, so

I would definately have to tell them the whole story

from the very beginning

hopefully they would see how happy me and MM are and accept it

- you can't hide years of memories and

good times and not have fabulous stories to tell about the wonderful way he

lights up my life and how I could not deny my love for him -

My MM aslo has children so depending upon the circustances of us finally

having a life together I am sure it would have to be "out" for people to know

what has been going on so long but just taken us all this time to

take action

And his children would have to know as well -

I would want them to know so they know just how important this man is to me !!!

Yes I have thought of this question many a day !!

Kikki


iVillage Member
Registered: 05-14-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 9:54pm
My daughter is 13, and she knows that the person I love is married. But I told her the circumstances (basically), and she knows that the love is there between us. I felt it was better to be honest with her up front, rather than let her know that we deceived her all along.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2004
Fri, 05-14-2004 - 10:45pm
I never really gave it any thought. My children know my MM as "mommies friend". They also know he has children and that they live with their mommy.

As for my parents..... they were divorced two time and married three times to each other!!!. I don't believe they had A. they just got divorced to do what they wanted!

Maybe that is why i am a screw ball!

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