After 12 years.I think it's finally over
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After 12 years.I think it's finally over
| Tue, 11-11-2003 - 2:01am |
I was in a 12 year EMA and 4 weeks ago my MM's wife hired a PI and found out about the affair. I was 28 and he was 45 when the affair started. I once thought I would wait forever like many have expressed on this message board. We both agreed we were very much in-love and wanted to be together. The last weekend we spent together I never knew would be my last. I dont believe we will ever be together again. It was an understanding that I would stay in my marriage until my teenager finished high school in 2 years. That was my personal boundary all along. We had 3 days together before coming back to our homes, we live in the same town and talked about where we would go from here. He said he was 99% sure he would leave his wife and wanted so much to be with me knowing that I would not be leaving my marriage for 2 more years. However, within 24 hours, everything changed...His grown kids, ages 30 & 35 and their wifes and his wife convinced him to stay and cut off all contact with me... We have maintained contact...but he didnt want me calling his cell phone because his family had retrieved his phone records going back 4 years. He keeps telling me he loves me and wants to be with me but continues to stay at his house and sleeping in the same bed with his wife. His family thinks the affair has only be going on for 4 years. Well, he was going to phone booth and calling me and telling me to call him...Now I am the bad person...because I keep calling and wont leave him alone..ha ha Another personal boundary I set was that I would not sleep with him again until he figured out what it was he was going to do...but I would not longer sleep/have sex with him and him continue to sleep/have sex with his wife. After 3 weeks..she did file for divorce and had all his assets frozen...with the extended offer - dont ever talk to me again and she drops the whole thing. His daughter in law called me at my work and ask me what was going on with him because he is telling his family that he loves me...and he loves her...he just doesnt know what to do....She ask me how long the affair had been going on...well, I need to say this first...I had to tell my family many years ago when my husband first discovered the affair in 1992...I had told my husband that it stopped but it never did. Then the last weekend me & MM went away together, his 2 sons went to my house and told my husband I was having an affair with their dad. Now back to his daughter in law asking me how long the affair had been going on - I told her my daughter was 3 when it started and was going on 16, she could do the math. By the way, his daughter in law is an attorney. Now, the MM called me this morning freaked out because I told the truth about the number of years. He said he was so dissappointed...and he didnt call me the rest of the day. I feel like he was looking for any reason to get mad at me and looking to place blame to end the affair, however, he never indicated this, I just feel like I know him well enough to predict his next move. I want to cuss, scream, cry and just plain want all this to end. I never thought I would want to end my affair because up until now...for 12 years I have had contact with my MM everyday...and for the past 7 or 8 I have never doubted his love for me...until now. His choice was to stay with his W and living in the same house. He left for 1 whole night. I dont know where I will go from here, I am still hurting and think my heart is going to burst out of my chest. I feel like I am going to break, and then I remind myself that he is not worth it...Let him go...if he truly loved me his choice would have not been so hard to make and he would not have lied about the length of the affair or expected me to lie to his family when he knew I had already told my family the truth. My husband and I are past trying to hurt one another and are in complete agreement about supporting our teen until she graduates. Right now, I need to look after myself and where I want to go in 2 more years...and I do NOT want to spend any more time waiting for the MM to leave his W...because I know it is not going to happen. Even thought I dont have any regrets - I would never, ever go back and do it again.
Edited 11/11/2003 2:07:16 AM ET by lillsilly
Edited 11/11/2003 2:07:16 AM ET by lillsilly

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MM is a coward and is staying with his W because he scared, whipped and/or just plain dumb. you, on the other hand, have taken responsibility for the A (obviously being the more grown-up part of the equation!) and discussed your short-term future with your H for the sake of your daughter. AND this situation gives you 2 years to plan for your long-term future.
be strong and keep very, very busy. stop calling him, no matter how much he begs and pleads. do whatever you can to keep from contacting MM for any reason. he's made his choice and so have you. he is NOT worthy of you and you certainly deserve someone who does love you and wants to be with you in person, not just in words.
good luck for your future and hang tough,
gurl
Charlotte
Well, i know you may want to plan the course of events that you will take from here on out, but keep in mind, things change from day to day so what you may feel or want today, may not be what you want tomarrow. WOmen are stronger when it comes to being honest with feelings and....men need marriage more than women do. That could be a big reason that he is afraid to tell the truth to his family and w.
I know its tough but be strong....attitude is everything...so keep a good attitude..and be true to yourself.
Can i ask one question....what was it that made the w hire a PI after all this time of you guys being together?
Let us know if you need anything...we are so here for you.
Grateful for replies,
silly
BE STRONG!
I feel as I write this to you that I am seeing my possible future. Our plan is to be together as soon as his youngest is in college..in 3-1/2 yrs. If he chooses not to leave her at that time, I will be in the same place you are in now.
You and I both have spent 1/2 of our adult lives sharing the man we love with another woman, his wife.
I know my MM has brought much happiness to my life over the years and I have no regrets. The only thing that bothers me is that thru it all, I've always felt in a blink of an eye...he could be gone and I couldn't do anything but let him go.
His W could start making him happy again, guilt could make him walk away from me at anytime, someone could find out and make him run.
It always feels like everyone is in control of how my future will turn out...everyone but me!
You will get thru this. This board will help you be strong.
And hey, I'm counting on you to hang in there...I may need your support in 3-1/2 yrs!
your cyber pal
When my problems came to light (my husband finding out about my affair) my grandfather called me and offered the following advice:
When you love someone and you know in your heart that it is with him / her who your heart belongs to, then one day, no matter what the circumstances, you will be together. He went on to tell me how in his day, that he was taught that true love only happens once in your lifetime, it may take an eternity to find each other, but you will spend your last days together because after all, it is true love. And all the problems and heartache you may be faced with, that it your test to see if it really is true love and you are meant to be together....so take test, feel the trials and tribulations because in the end you will be together. These words touched me so much because my grandfather has been a widow for over 37 years. I never knew my grandmother but I hear the way he speaks of her and his choice to never re-marry or even become involved with another woman and I know that its true love. He also told me that him living without her is his test and in the end she'll be there for him.....so whenever you feel that you are in a hopeless situation, you know that he is your true love and you will be together...just keep telling yourself that and this is your test of love.
Good luck !
Xterra
My MM tells me something similar to that...
Whenever I ask him if he thinks we will be able to make it til we can be together (heaven knows - circumstances are constantly testing us), he always tells me if we want it bad enough... it will happen.
I think I will print your post and when my MM returns from his hunting trip i will show it to him.
thank you xterra & take care,
your cyber pal
Dear x,
That was the most beautiful and inspiring thing I've read in a long
time, thanks I needed that.
xxx/oooo
deb
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