After 12 years.I think it's finally over

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Registered: 12-31-1969
After 12 years.I think it's finally over
11
Tue, 11-11-2003 - 2:01am
I was in a 12 year EMA and 4 weeks ago my MM's wife hired a PI and found out about the affair. I was 28 and he was 45 when the affair started. I once thought I would wait forever like many have expressed on this message board. We both agreed we were very much in-love and wanted to be together. The last weekend we spent together I never knew would be my last. I dont believe we will ever be together again. It was an understanding that I would stay in my marriage until my teenager finished high school in 2 years. That was my personal boundary all along. We had 3 days together before coming back to our homes, we live in the same town and talked about where we would go from here. He said he was 99% sure he would leave his wife and wanted so much to be with me knowing that I would not be leaving my marriage for 2 more years. However, within 24 hours, everything changed...His grown kids, ages 30 & 35 and their wifes and his wife convinced him to stay and cut off all contact with me... We have maintained contact...but he didnt want me calling his cell phone because his family had retrieved his phone records going back 4 years. He keeps telling me he loves me and wants to be with me but continues to stay at his house and sleeping in the same bed with his wife. His family thinks the affair has only be going on for 4 years. Well, he was going to phone booth and calling me and telling me to call him...Now I am the bad person...because I keep calling and wont leave him alone..ha ha Another personal boundary I set was that I would not sleep with him again until he figured out what it was he was going to do...but I would not longer sleep/have sex with him and him continue to sleep/have sex with his wife. After 3 weeks..she did file for divorce and had all his assets frozen...with the extended offer - dont ever talk to me again and she drops the whole thing. His daughter in law called me at my work and ask me what was going on with him because he is telling his family that he loves me...and he loves her...he just doesnt know what to do....She ask me how long the affair had been going on...well, I need to say this first...I had to tell my family many years ago when my husband first discovered the affair in 1992...I had told my husband that it stopped but it never did. Then the last weekend me & MM went away together, his 2 sons went to my house and told my husband I was having an affair with their dad. Now back to his daughter in law asking me how long the affair had been going on - I told her my daughter was 3 when it started and was going on 16, she could do the math. By the way, his daughter in law is an attorney. Now, the MM called me this morning freaked out because I told the truth about the number of years. He said he was so dissappointed...and he didnt call me the rest of the day. I feel like he was looking for any reason to get mad at me and looking to place blame to end the affair, however, he never indicated this, I just feel like I know him well enough to predict his next move. I want to cuss, scream, cry and just plain want all this to end. I never thought I would want to end my affair because up until now...for 12 years I have had contact with my MM everyday...and for the past 7 or 8 I have never doubted his love for me...until now. His choice was to stay with his W and living in the same house. He left for 1 whole night. I dont know where I will go from here, I am still hurting and think my heart is going to burst out of my chest. I feel like I am going to break, and then I remind myself that he is not worth it...Let him go...if he truly loved me his choice would have not been so hard to make and he would not have lied about the length of the affair or expected me to lie to his family when he knew I had already told my family the truth. My husband and I are past trying to hurt one another and are in complete agreement about supporting our teen until she graduates. Right now, I need to look after myself and where I want to go in 2 more years...and I do NOT want to spend any more time waiting for the MM to leave his W...because I know it is not going to happen. Even thought I dont have any regrets - I would never, ever go back and do it again.


Edited 11/11/2003 2:07:16 AM ET by lillsilly

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Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
Sun, 11-16-2003 - 4:48pm
I really appreciate your honesty and my heart goes out to you also.... 12 years is a long time to love someone that is not available. Our initial plans were to wait and see where we were once my teen graduated high school - in 2 1/2 years. I am so grateful that the affair was discovered now because I can not imagine another 2 1/2 years of wonderful bliss with this MM and going through not knowing what our future holds, and maybe only then to find out he is not willing to leave, cant leave...and then be left to rebuild my life and rebuild who I am and what is acceptable in a relationship.

And you are correct - in a blink of an eye the MM could be gone and there in nothing we could do about it.

That is why going forward I have to have a relationship that is real and can be validated.

MM finally called this week and ask me to give him some time to get this worked out - he ask for 1 month – he said he is sure he doesn’t want to be married anymore. He said he loves me and me only. I told him that I have waited for 12 years but I cannot guarantee any length of time I will wait going forward. I told him when I could wait no longer that he would be the first to know. He just called this morning and he is going to see a lawyer this week. I have met him twice since my original post and we kissed passionately and hugged and express our loved for one another, both were brief encounters (maybe 20 min). My personal boundary is NO SEX until he is divorced. The way I am trying to look at it is - I can’t lose what I never had. I know I can no longer be in a relationship that is a secret - I can no longer respect him or myself if we continue the secrets.

And how right you are saying, “when the wonderful roller coaster ride began”…. For me it has been one hell of a ride and many beautiful moments together. I can tell you that if you and your MM have a genuine intimate relationship (express love to one another, freely expressing emotions, talking about sexual desires, feeling free to be yourselves without be judged and loving unconditionally) then he and his wife’s relationship will never be the same ever again.

Quilt may make the MM walk away, but until he shares that quilt with the person he chooses to be with (referring to the W), he will still continue living a lie…and therefore…we’re off the hook. As you realize – we have known about the W and our MM freely talks about issues with the W – but the W doesn’t know about us – therefore he cannot be himself nor will he ever be himself until he chooses to be honest about his relationship with us.

Right now and always – you are in control of your future…no one can ever take that away from you. When you are ready to take a stand, or you get caught like me…you will see the choice was always yours.


I wish you the best…. I will keep you posted.

Lillsilly

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