After D-day... Polyamorous/Open Relationship?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
After D-day... Polyamorous/Open Relationship?
5
Tue, 06-24-2014 - 6:04am

I got into an emotional affair with an old flame about 7/8 months ago which ended up being a physical affair as well. It was great, for a while I was delusional enough to think that I now had everything I wanted. I had both the men I wanted and having previously felt a bit neglected and unhappy in my marriage the AP filled the gaps. I was happier than I had been in a long time.

Before the affair started I'd been unhappy with lack of intimacy etc with my husband for some time and had tried to work on our marriage, had talked openly about it to him, suggested marriage counselling etc etc but none of it made any difference. It was in one ear and out the other with him. I had had counselling on my own for several months.

About 6 weeks ago my husband found out, which was one of the most horrible experiences of my life. It was a few days before he told me he knew, he said he didn't want to bring it up because he thought I'd tell him I was leaving him. He was upset rather than angry. When I told him I had no intention of leaving him for AP he was really relieved and calmed down a lot. Then it turned into a conversation about "why have you been doing this?" So I told him, and he freely accepted that he had known I had been unhappy, I had talked to him openly about it many times and he had made no effort to work on our marriage. He actually said he wished he had never found out and if I wasn't leaving him he was happy for me to carry on with AP, as long as it didn't affect my life with H. As in, I can only see, text etc AP when H is not around anyway. Needless to say I was surprised by this. H said he knew I had a much higher sex drive than him and if it was just sex with AP he was fine with it.

I have not had sex with AP since D-day. Soon after D-day AP went away for a month so I have only seen him once and for a short time. When he came back I went away for a week with H as part of our effort to work on our marriage. Strangely our marriage is 1000 times better than it was before. We took the opportunity to discuss what we both wanted and how to move forward and it's really working. I freely accept that I am not perfect either and we both have to work on it.

So the issue is that my husband has given me permission to continue with AP, and I want to. But I just can't stop thinking it seems totally counterproductive if we are working on our marriage. Does anyone on here have any experience of polyamorous/open relationships? Any advice/did it work for you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-02-2002
Fri, 07-18-2014 - 1:15am

You say you were already in an emotional affair with this man.  So you have feelings for him already, and having more sexual intimacy will probably just enhance the emotional aspect of the relationship.  

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-16-2008
Thu, 06-26-2014 - 7:39pm

At one time I have had "relationships" with several men concurrently.  I was single.  One of those was married, the other two single. The thing is they were not serious relationships and there were no promises of exculsivity.  While I never pretend to any one of those men that he was the only one, I never flaunted the going ons with others.

It was different because I was single, I don't need "persmission" to have sex with others.  It was fun for a while, then it became a logistics/scheduling nightmare!  Wink

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2014
Thu, 06-26-2014 - 10:28am

That's why I wrote polyamorous/open because it's not really either and I don't know a word for having permission to have sex with only one other person. Anyway I was looking to hear from people who have been in relationships with more that one person at a time out of interest since I don't know anyone who has tried (as far as I'm aware).

Avatar for purp2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2010
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 10:58am

double post

Avatar for purp2010
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-03-2010
Wed, 06-25-2014 - 10:56am
A polyamorous relationship requires a lot of open and honest communication and you have already stated that you and your husband aren't able to discuss relationship issues - he wouldn't talk or attend counselling with you. I think what your husband was suggesting was sex only with the other partner.