this is all so new & scary
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| Mon, 12-29-2008 - 7:57pm |
I realize there are so many old friends/advice-givers on here but I am in a tough place with very very few people to turn to. Because I want to believe this is a 'judgment free zone', I will just pour it all out and hope for the best in regards to feedback, advice or simply a point of view as I am so lost.
In an effort to sum up, I met a lovely man (my age) out and about on night over 6 months ago. He was unable to drive home that night and my group offered a roof for him to stay under that night. Of course nothing happened but we did stay up all night talking etc. Next day we did the breakfast and goodbye thing (no contact) and headed in separate directions. The weeks following this encounter were odd...he called often and we talked for hours but there was no real discussion of meeting up - until a few weeks later. Lets skip ahead and say that we met up a bunch with NO standard dating contact (aside from hugs) and enjoyed one another as we continued to learn more about one another....
Fast forward thru to a pretty slow courting period (dates, phone calls, trips etc) I discovered one day about 2 weeks ago that he was married. As it is pretty easy to locate this type of information online as real estate records, marriage records, criminal records, family contacts etc are public - it didn’t take much time to discover his wife on the deed to his home. So painful, so embarrassing...ugh
Fast forward again to the confrontation - I called with my evidence and all the balls of a jaded lied to woman and demanded answers and wrapped up my rant with a 'don’t ever call me again'...I’m sure you know where that led. He called, chased, confessed to everything, answered all my nasty questions and fielded all my terrible names and jokes and comments at his expense.
Here we are today, he wants to continue to see me...I am confused, lost and unsure if he truly means what he says. He has 'claimed' to not date or hook up outside his marriage until now, of course I don’t buy it but I still wonder and can’t help but care for him so very much.
I realize this is a basic story and I am sure I sound like a nut for even caring for this bastard but I do...and that is why I am alone in thought and confused as to what to do. My own mother thinks I cut off the communication - now that is bad.
If any of you ladies have ANY thoughts, I will take them. You can call me names as long as you provide me with a fragment of insight regarding this terribly foreign situation I have found myself a part of.
Thank you so much
Olive

My AP was married but separated when we began dating. Papers had been drawn up, and they had been separated for about 6 months when we met. She became very sick and they got back together. They have a friendship more than a marriage and we have continued our relationship almost 3 years now. I love him and continue to settle for the time we manage to steal together whether it be talking, texting, iming, or nights and weekends together. This type of relationship can be very painful. If you read the posts here the highs are very high, but the lows are the worst that you can imagine. Think about what you are getting yourself into if you decide to continue the A.
Its hard, and only you can decide if he is worth it. We plan to be together one day. I keep holding on but its so hard sometimes.
As crazy as it sounds I found that trust was paramount in my A.
Hi Olive,
I agree that there has to be total honesty between partners in an A. You started out not knowing it was an A, so, that kind of makes this a really sticky situation.
I have been in more A's than I care to think about, all while I was married. There were several of them that the AP was single, and, in every one of those, he knew, long before we turned it into anything that I had an H.
Obviously, since I have been in an awful lot of these relationships, I am pretty sure I am somewhat of an expert, something one is not really proud of, but it has made me the Goddess that I am today. Anyway, the most important thing is for you to be true to YOURSELF! If you are ok with seeing a married man, who, in all likelihood is not going to leave his W any time soon, then, tread carefully, and remember WHO YOU ARE in all of it. It's hard to love a man that you can't truly have.
Just so you know a tad about me, so you can know where I am coming from...I was married for over 22 years until my H passed away this past February. I have been involved in my current (and, trust me, my last) A for going on 9 years. Now, I am single and he is M, and, every once in a while I think I would like to see someone not M, but then I come to my senses. I am not planning on getting married again, at least any time soon, and MM is planning on spending the rest of his life with me, one way or the other. If he never leaves his W, I am ok with that. I would love to wake up with him, but, we spend so much time every day together that I know where I stand with him. Not being single when we started our A definitely makes it so I don't worry about where the A is leading to. He is my best friend, and if there was never a physical relationship again, he would remain my best friend.
So, that's why I can sort of understand how feelings work in these relationships.
Most important, try to sit back, like you said in another post, write the pros and cons. I would be a little worried about the honesty issue since he wasn't up front about being M, but, if he has explained to where you feel his sincerity, then, maybe you can trust him. Try to keep your heart out of your brain while you think this through, if you can, and decide if you are ok with the way things are. I also want to say that NOT all men stay married, there are a lot of instances where there are happily ever afters,
Insist on total honesty from him in your communications from now on, and see how he does with that.
Good luck and keep us informed.
mom
I really hate to be so pessimistic, but I do try to keep in mind that everyone's situation is different. But I can only answer you from where I am at.
Guard your heart, please I will say it again. Guard your heart. This guy doesn't seem to be the overly honest type, and that's not good. He purposely manipulated the situation until you were where he wanted you, and then he dropped the bomb. To me it's just as bad as meeting a guy dating for awhile, and then you find out he is a she. It's all deception, and a REALLY bad way to start a INCREDIBLY difficult relationship.
Being in an A is not for the faint of heart. You will become obsessive, and exhibit many of the same symptoms that a person who is addicted to a chemical. You get "High" when things are good, you will have "Withdraws" when you miss him, and then hit rock bottom when things aren't so great. The emotions of an A run the full gamut, and at first you try to set boundaries that are similar to those in a regular R, but you will soon find they don't apply. Now there are exceptions to every rule, perhaps you are one. I wasn't, and lots of others before me, and after me.
So knowing what I know, (hind sight is always 20/20) I would stop talking to him cold turkey. You are in a very exciting time in an A, and it's addictive. If you say, "Well I am just going to talk to him on the phone." It will progress even if you don't want it too. It's SO hard being w/ a MM. Trust me, I have a child by a MM, and it's very, very hard. Could I have ever fathomed that I would be in this type of predicament? H*ll no, I would have not even have spoken a word to him, but you can't take back the past. It's rather unfortunate really, but then again I wouldn't have the light of my life either, my youngest son. So I guess there is some good in everything. You just have to be careful where you're looking for it at.
AP & I entered this R both knowing upfront we were each M. It really was how it started - talking about our M's and finding out they are both hanging on by a thread and that each of us is staying where we are for similar reasons. We give each other the support and shoulder to cry on when things are really bad because we understand what each other is going through.
With that said I don't think that after 6 months of "getting to know each other" he can
Hi Olive,
I have always said that there are no place for lies in an A. Sounds hypocrytical I know but to me, there are enough lies trying to keep it secret. No reason to lie to each other about what it really is. I think you should be very careful here, I know feelings are involved but sometimes the best thing to do is walk away. He could be a cake eater. Is there trouble in his marriage? I am guessing you are single. My best advice is this, walk away. There are plenty of single guys out there. An A is a harrowing ride to say the least. If this man wants to be with you then he should do it with out a ring. Good luck!
i would venture to say that everyone that posted here is telling you the truth...an "A" has to be started with total disclosure about each one's situation/or status.
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Just wanted to thank you all for your thoughts and feedback. Like my title stated, its all so new and scary and so few people to turn to...thank you so very much.