Almost lost him

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Almost lost him
9
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 9:32am

My AP and I have been seeing each other for almost a year now.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 9:39am

Can I share my thoughts with you on this?


You are being emotionally manipulated.

 

 

 

 

 

******************************************* “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-18-2005
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 10:13am

What she said. 100%.

You cannot remain in this dynamic without incurring serious damage. That he responded this way is a huge red flag.

I was in this situation last year after my D was final. I attempted to date. MM knew it, we just didn't talk about it. Unless, it went further than a date (ie sex), I didn't owe it to him. Nothing ever did advance and I only made friends in my attempt. MM left his M and is in the process of D. We're together. But, you have no idea the damage that was done in the months between. And he didn't attempt to manipulate. Didn't like it, but acknowledged that it was my right to see anyone I wanted while he wasn't available/single himself.

Big

iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 10:28am

I love my AP also but I am still M.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-30-2007
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 11:13am

Thanks to all of you for responding.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-01-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 12:12pm

I say this from my own experience.

 

 

 

 

 

******************************************* “Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 1:05pm
Whatever you have with this man is NOTHING. He is M and his obligations are to his W and family. Whatever it is you're thinking that you've damaged has no ground to grow on anyway. You can't bring it out in the open for as long as he is M to someone else. What you really know about this man is only what he chose to show you in limited circumstances. But you can't ignore how selfish he is. We know you love him and will do what you feel is right for you. All I can say is love yourself first and don't let any man string you along for his benefit.
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 2:48pm

Hi letmego1975,

I am in the exact same position as you are and I have to admit, I agree with everyone else. I have been with my AP/BF for just going on over a year now. I had a d-day with my H a couple of months into the A...I had already fallen deeply in love and while I didn't leave H for AP/BF, I knew that there was something seriously wrong in my M and I wasn't interested in fixing it (long story but if you search my posts you can get the gist). So he's gone, moved out of province and here I am, still with my M AP/BF. We've actually never had the discussion of "leave the M or I'm outta here". I truly thought it was over when we were discovered and were THE topic of conversation amongst all our friends...not to mention when my H freaked out on him at the bar!

AP/BF is jealous, we've discussed this. I'm jealous (I am not his first A, although I believe I'm his longest). He has gotten angry when I've chatted with other guys..and then has apologized because he says he doesn't have the right. And he doesn't. For now though I am going to respect his feelings because I know that if (and it's happened) he chats up other girls...I get upset too. It's maddening but it is what it is.

So, here I am...he still goes home to the wife. I know they live separate lives (as in separate bedrooms) but I'm not at all sure he doesn't still sleep with her (and I don't want to know to be completely honest). He hasn't made any moves to leave (although he has intimated it to me on a couple of different occasions) and I go home alone every night. Almost even worse than that is when he does come home with me and leaves at 4:00 am in the morning...

I am going with it for now because we are having a lot of fun and great times together. I know he loves me, he knows I love him. I'm good with that for now but I know that it will not always be that way. I'm still young and attractive and I do not want to be alone for the rest of my life.

Sorry if that's not really advice but at least you know you're not alone.

benska

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-22-2005
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 3:55pm

This is going to be a long answer and explanation for what you are going through. First off I am M but have been in affair for 15 yrs. He is S. Has been the whole time. When this started he knew how things were and would be but he chose to stay. A few months ago we had a few problems etc, he started dating" someone, I said ok, but I couldn't bring myself to accept it. The reason is I know everyone thinks this is selfish, but I didn't want him with someone else. We have been together like this me M and him S for 15 yrs. He made that choice to be S for the rest of our lives. I know how your AP feels, its not that he doesn't want you to be happy, he thinks he is enough, and haven't you told him and shown him as much. I have been happy and so has he, but he knew what he was getting into and stated he would be with only me as long as we continued our affair,. It is hard to let another person in when it has been you and him. It is enough to deal with his "wife" now he has to compete with someone in your life. I know it was too hard for me. Needless to say my AP gave up the dating and we are back to normal. We have too much history to give it up. In your case I don't know what I would do, but if you love him hang in there. I know I love my AP and don't ever want to give him up.


 

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-23-2008
Thu, 09-04-2008 - 10:04pm

Well this must be the topic of the week, just had this same conversation with my AP.