Also feeling better and more in control.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Also feeling better and more in control.
11
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 10:06am

Hello boardies!

Just wanted to provide an update. In a 6 month A with a MM I worked with, really intense and passionate at first, then he got guilty and pulled back. My contract is over, he wants us to continue, but I have been spazzing and obsessing over when he is going to get in touch with me. He texted me on Thursday, a really nice and cute text, saying he wants to make plans to see me soon. Then I respond and don't get any response back from him. Cue obsessive thinking.

So after I posted about that, wondering why guys do that, I got a lot of responses. I have also been doing much thinking and talked to a friend about it and feel as though I am in a better place emotionally. When I started the A, it was all just about fun and filling a sexual need but then big surprise, feelings got involved, and my self-esteem got thrown off when he suddenly started pulling back. I became desperate.

But like I've said to other posters, this A is just ONE part of my life. Everything with my BF and my other life is my REAL life. I just have to accept how things are in my A if I want the A in my life. If I can't accept things, and find myself constantly unhappy, then I need to let go of my AP. I can't always read into why he doesn't respond, and I can't sit there obsessively thinking about him. I have to take some control back in this A and that starts with ME and my own mentality.

I also realized that when I am obsessing and wondering what's wrong, whether he likes me anymore, and in general just thinking negatively, more than likely he's not thinking anything similar. He's just going on with his life and I instead read everything into the silence. Which is ridiculous because the world doesn't unfold the way I assume it does, just because that's how i THINK, you know? These are just my thoughts, not the truth.

So I was feeling a lot better about things. Like he and I were both in this A together, neither having more power than the other (Because I am refusing now to let myself think that way). I wasn't expecting to hear anything from him until later this week when DO DOO (my text message sound), Monday morning!!! I was pretty surprised. Anyway, it was this really cute message from him, asking how I was, saying he just wanted to see how I was doing, saying that he missed me, and that he can probably get away from the DW next week. So I just sent back a casual and light message saying I missed him too and i could probably do that and to keep me posted. And I ended the message myself and did not expect to hear anything back from him. Kinda what I was saying about changing my thinking and giving myself back some of the power. I was tempted to ask questions in my text in the hopes of prolonging the conversation but really, why bother? And if he didn't respond, I would be upset and ruminate.

So anyway, I might text him a hello later this week, or I might not. Either way, I'm feeling better, more in control, and more optimistic about my future and our future. Let's hope this feeling lasts!




Edited 6/22/2010 10:18 am ET by lucyford99

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iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 10:22am

Great job, Lucy!

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 12:06pm

You're so right about the fantasies Jane. I have also really made an effort to stop fantasizing and daydreaming about him and me and the future that we can never have together. It detracts from my enjoyment of my REAL life, you're absolutely right! Better to enjoy the time we have together and then return to my normal life and enjoy that when we're not together.

As a side note, I was kinda happy to see that he had commented on my Facebook status this morning, something he would NEVER have done a month ago when he was struggling with guilt. He's definitely been the one pursuing me since my contract ended and it feels good to my bruised ego. I know it's a little thing, but now I know he checked out my profile and was thinking of me, at least enough to comment :)

Now of course I'm not going to respond or acknowledge it. Maybe I'll text him at the end of the week, maybe not :)

It feels so much better to be playing on an even field.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 1:45pm

So glad you've gotten yourself to a better place!

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 3:22pm

Lucy, I'm also glad to see you are figuring out how to deal with male humans.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 3:32pm

"I think everything there is to know about dealing with the opposite sex, we learned in junior high school.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-03-2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 4:09pm

"I think everything there is to know about dealing with the opposite sex, we learned in junior high school.

anotherseyes

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-11-2010
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 9:41pm

Lucy I love your thread and feel great for you- an even playing field is the goal I think.


But my question is- how the hell did you get to that point. I would love to take back control, stop fantasising about a future that wont exist and stop obsessing and analysing every ounce of his being!


But how??

You are what you consistently do
You are what you consistently do
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Tue, 06-22-2010 - 10:06pm
I can tell you this, Lucy really is a smart girl.
iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2010
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 9:21am

Hi Eli and Stronger

First, thanks to everyone for your supportive comments! It made me feel good and stronger!

Okay so first, Eli, what did you find interesting about my comment about him pursuing me? Did you think I was in fantasy land and reading too much into it? Basically I said that because I haven't initiated contact with him once since my contract ended, it's been all him. He's the one who has said every time he wants to see me and is now planning a night for us. I refuse to be the one pursuing for now. If he wants me, he can come to me. If not, then fine, but I am not going to be trailing after him like a lovesick puppy, you know?

And Stronger, thanks for your support! As for how I did it, it wasn't easy and I'm sure I'll have moments where I totally regress. I think much of it had to do with how miserable and unhappy I was for about a month and a half when he started feeling guilty and pulled back. Constant crying, very unhealthy coping, very difficult time. I hated how the A left me feeling desperate and pathetic when I had started the A very confident and generally happy. So I was very angry with the state I found myself in. Also, I am studying counselling therapies and so many of them highlight how your cognitions (your thoughts) affect how you interpret life and other people. So I really started thinking about how my negative thoughts and assumptions and the way I read everything bad into the tiniest situation was affecting my life overall. My desperation and hurt was causing me to think everything he did was further evidence that he wasn't into me. Then I realized though that that is just what I think, not reality.

So a lot of the change has been cognitive, in what I tell myself. Also reading everyone's posts really helped normalize his behaviour and made me feel less alone and crazy. Sharing with a friend helped too because I realized that this A is just one part of my life. As I shared boy troubles with my friend and she shared with me hers, I also remembered how getting hurt and feeling desperate is kinda normal and happens to everyone.

So I guess just a lot of hurt, being sick of feeling pathetic, combined with normalizing his behaviours and this A and really thinking about my thoughts and interpretations of the situation made me realize that I have the POWER in this situation to turn it around. He doesn't control my thoughts or feelings, I do.

That's how I feel now. I mean, it doesn't mean I totally don't have moments of obsessive thinking but its much better now than it was. It still bothers me when he texts me and then doesn't respond to mine but I'm trying not to ruminate about it. This is just an A, not my entire life and only I am the one who can keep it in check.

Good luck all!

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-03-2005
Wed, 06-23-2010 - 10:41am

No, I don't think you are in fantasy land.

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