Always the last to know - apparently

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2012
Always the last to know - apparently
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 6:37pm

I wrote something on here awhile ago about the beginnings of this situation (BFF as AP) - things have progressed since then, or maybe they were always this way - like I said - i think i am the last to know

just as a recap, my bff told me months ago that he had thought about sleeping with me before - the conversation went downhill from there - i had thought about it too, so there was just a natural progression into the rest of this - we haven't been able to stop talking about it/thinking about it - and while we haven't done anything yet, i don't know if i can say the same thing if you asked me again tomorrow

i am married to my best friend, but there are many times (since long before the discussion with my friend) that I think my DH and i are better best friends than husband and wife - we got married young (22/23), he's the only guy i ever really dated and we've been together almost 13 years now all total - there have always been times when i have wondered if i married him because we are awesome as husband and wife, or because he's my best friend and i was pretty damn sure no one else was ever going to be interested in me (i suffered from a lot of depression back then) - i have never wanted kids with him, never wanted a house, never wanted all those pretty little married life things - i'm the kind of person that likes to just run and see the world - and when i get there i want to run some more and keep on running - some say away from things - i think of it more as running to the unknown - my DH is working towards getting his masters in ED at the moment, and i know settling down is in his future because no one is going to want a teacher that moves all the time as much as i want to - that issue has been a concern of mine for a while - i feel like, while our friendship is still fantastic (and yes, i realize hiding this convo with my bff is not good for our friendship...) our lives seem to be moving in opposite directions

so, on to the point of this post - apparently i am always the last to know what is really going on here - a few weeks ago my bff and i were texting again about things we shouldn't be - since this whole situation started (end of Jan) we haven't had a chance to see each other because we're both really busy - he mentioned something about how it will be dangerous when we see each other next, and i said this whole situation was dangerous - and i said that doing any of this 'just because we felt like it' was stupid and it's a stupid reason to do anything - this is where the trouble started

the convo went like this: he said "but you've been trying to change your mind and you haven't - this wouldn't be on your mind this long for no reason" - i said that i guess so - as far as i was concerned, that was a valid point but there was no more from me on that - then he said "uh oh, we've moved this into a whole new world" - i had no idea what he was talking about and said so - and he said "feelings" - to which i kind of panicked, made a sarcastic joke to him about that, which he would totally expect from me and got the point across that i wanted him to change the subject, and fast - emotions aren't something i talk about often in the first place, and never over text because that is the last thing you want to be misunderstood

now, you also have to understand when he makes comments that refer to me, if i call him out on it, he'll just say that he didn't say he didn't feel like that - he never makes comments with regards to what he's thinking when it's something important - slightly annoying, but something i know well - also, he's the one who brought this up in the first place, and the one who had been thinking about it off and on for years -

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2012
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 6:56pm

the only thing i forgot to add is, if anyone else, anyone i had ever met and even pple i had crushes on in the past, would have said to me what my bff said that first night about thinking about being with me, - i would have said, "well, that's awkward, never say that again to me" - but i didn't to him - i didn't and i wouldn't have - ever - what is that supposed to mean - i thought at the time that i was just very intrigued by the idea that a guy like him, who can get the kind of girls that he does would never be attracted to someone like me - but again, with anyone else i had ever known in my entier life (all 28 long years of it ;) ) i would have told them to never talk about it again and i wouldn't feel the same way to them - but i didn't with him, and i had thought about it before... what is going on here?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2009
Mon, 03-26-2012 - 9:16pm
fading987 wrote:

but then the next day - my DH actually said to me that if we ever split up, he would want me to know that i would always be his best friend and i had made him live life in a way that he never would have before and he was grateful to me for that - he brought this up out of no where - we had had a conversation long before about what would happen if we ever got divorced due to my GF and her hubby splitting up and him almost committing suicide, but i hadn't thought about that conversation since - my DH said he had been thinking about that again that day - why?

he knows my bff and i talk all the time, sometimes 12-14 hours in a day - and i know that's a lot, but if we're friends that's normal to me - but is everyone else seeing something i didn't? - i feel like everyone else sees whatever connection my bff and i have, except me - what now?

Here again we have the typical justifications for an affair brewing:

1-Long marriage/partnership, starting early (28-13=15), often without dating other people.

2-Husband has different view of life, they're growing apart.. he wants to settle down...she wants to explore and adventure like a rocker girl.

3-Feeling a real connection with BFF/coworker, accompanied with explicit advances and persistence/manipulation from the guy.

Fading987: 12-14 hours with a friend (even girlfriend) is not normal by any of the cultural standards that I have experienced. It takes away a huge amount of mental energy and attention from your husband, and he is rightly concerned about your marriage, not to mention he is probably still traumatized by the suicide attempt of your friend.

I'm not here to judge your feelings or tell you to have or not have an affair, but if you really want to go with your BFF, tell your husband about your feelings..otherwise focus on your marriage and tell him what's missing from it. Pick one side.