Am I Alone?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-21-2004
Am I Alone?
16
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 8:50pm
Why can't my H make me feel like a woman? I can't count the times I just needed my H to make me feel like a woman. For him to take the lead. For him to kiss me passionately. For him to hold my face ... to hold me. He is such a damn wimp. He just doesn't get it. For my 17 years of marriage, he just doesn't get it. I knew before I got married that he wasn't the one. But I was afraid the I wouldn't find anybody else and my H is safe. He would never leave me. Am I alone?

My H has problems with alcohol and pain killers. He is not strong emotionally. Am I alone?

My A has lasted 9 years. Without it, I would not remain married. With two daughters (15 and 11), I don't feel I should leave. But if I remain with my H, I feel like I must have the passion my A gives me. I feel alive with my MM. The passion. The kissing. Am I alone?

I am 40 years old. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without passion. The only way is with an A. Am I alone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 9:40pm
No, you are not alone. I was married 12 years to a very cold, emotionally distant husband. He was physically abusive the first 1-1/2 yrs then became emotionally and mentally abusive....withheld sex, any emotional support. We lived a loveless marriage until I finally had a mild breakdown and filed for divorce. I have been a one other failed relationship since then. However, I ran into a man one night while out at a sports bar. I was not attracted to this guy at all, but did dance with him because I love to dance and he offered. He offered to walk me to my truck that night but was all over me....I pushed him off several times and finally asked him if he was married. He admitted he was and how his wife was a wonderful woman and he had this great family etc. I was glad since I didnt like him at all. Well, he came into the bar again about a month later. That time whenever he excused himself to go to the restroom I bolted out the door and went home. A couple weeks later I pulled into my driveway and a strange truck was behind me and it was him!!! Out of total politeness I stook outside and talked with him but didn't invite him into my house. I was angry because he admitted he had been following me and taking different routes home from work to see if I was at the sports bar (I know the owners so I happen in a few times per week). He said I could have had him arrested for stalking. Well, he came into the bar on another friday night and this time I ended up starting to like him and we ended up hugging and kissing in my truck (nothing else). I felt awful the next day. He began calling me and we realized how alike we are...we both like nature his wife doesnt etc. Well, we started an affair and I am totally out of control. He was calling me everyday 2 times per day and we would see each other a couple times a week. Problem is he calls me but not like before. Every once in awhile he talks about how he cant offer me anything and it's not fair to me or his wife. It seems that now that I have surrendered my heart he is backing off. We see each other once a week and talk about 3 times per week on the phone. I know how you feel and I think your affair is substituting for the void in your relationship with your husband, who is your true love, but who cannot be what you want him to be due to his own problems. I pined like that in my first marriage. Now I am feeling emotionally left out again, but I cannot give up this man. I know I'm talking two different things, here, but your letter touched me as I feel your pain. Life is too short to live like you are living, though. Eventually it will tear your apart emotionally. Have, or can you, consider counseling?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 9:51pm
justmythoughts,

I feel just like you do. Read my post (right below yours). One of the reasons I prefer my affair partner is because he makes me feel like a woman. I told my husband this, and now he ACTS the exact way I want a man to. But, I know it is an ACT. With my ex-fiance, it is natural, we know EXACTLY what to do together in bed. It is NATURAL, no work involved. So I feel your pain. I am 41. What are we supposed to do, play dead old woman for the next 40-50 years. No ******* way!!!!

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-03-2004
Sat, 04-03-2004 - 10:02pm
Just when I feel really lonely etc. he will call...he's so everything I ever needed or wanted. The problem is that I can't even try to date anyone else. I don't want anyone else and would feel I was "cheating" on him (imagine that). So he's home with his family, who I know he loves, and I sit here alone because I'm so loyal (I'm pretty much a one man woman) amd don't want anyone else!!! It's crazy. I asked him the other day when we were together to "talk to me" and what did he want? He was genuinely pulled and told me he wasn't handling it well....he loved his wife and family etc. I asked him if he was trying to let me go and he groans and moans and we end up all over each other and the love making is absolutely the best I've ever experienced. We laugh when one of us will say we're addicted to each other and the other will go "I know it!" I just don't know. It's been 3 days since I talked to him and that is what's tearing me up. He recently lost his job after 20 years with this company and told me he couldnt call as much as someone was always with him ... he says he's on a "suicide watch"....so I kind of understand and don't feel scared, so much, as he tells me he loves me before we hang up etc. I feel like a 16 year old kid again. HELP!! I'm confused and all that goes with it. This is the first time I've ever "gone there."
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 12:57am
Good question. Are we supposed to live like this? My husband is distant, not effectionate, has a low sex drive, and isn't home 1/2 the time. I WANT to feel ALIVE, and this marriage is suffocating me, and I feel alone and half dead. Heh - but my "affair" with a guy that is 17 years younger and lives 1/2 a world away... well, I don't know if you can even call it an affair. All it does is frustrate the heck out of me, and I probably will never see him again.

I can't leave, we have 2 kids. I can't do that to the kids.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 8:23am
JMT- You say...

"I knew before I got married that he wasn't the one. But I was afraid the I wouldn't find anybody else and my H is safe. He would never leave me. Am I alone?"

"I am 40 years old. I can't imagine spending the rest of my life without passion. The only way is with an A. Am I alone?"

NO- you are not alone. It was like looking in the mirror when I read your post. I am also 40, no passion in marriage and the MM that I was hoping to have an A wiht (long story- read my posts if you want to know it) gave me that same thrill. And although we never comsumated our R (if that's what it can be called) he still made me feel like a school girl with a crush yet a woman with desire. I had not felt that way in years.

I am so sad with my situation but am grieving my way through it... I so want you to know that you are NOT alone. I only wish I had my MM to give me what yours does for you to make life livable. I am so lonely and empty inside.

Let me know how you are .... you can email at ves@email.com if you want. We can help each other through the lows and celebrate the highs?!


iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 8:50am
No way are you alone.....you hit the nail on the head.....My H also is too dependent on me...(Again issues with alcohol)I have to deal with everything. I feel like His mother. My A has been going on for 30 yrs.(married 25) MM makes me feel all the passion and fun that I'm missing out on in my married life. and again you are correct, that only because of my A have I been able to muster the strength to continue my M (also have kids). But at 45, I have now become so independant that my world is becoming ALL ABOUT ME. I'am tired of mothering my H and have told him so. I no longer pick up the pieces where H left off when he can't handle things. Enjoy your A...keep it strong...make decisions for you and your kids...but hold the H.accountable for his actions. I told my H No more alcohol...if you need it, drink it elsewhere...not around me. I feel the strength of once again being in control of my life and i will not sit by and wait for H to become a real man and take care of me.....I must take care of myself. as you must also. and don't ever fear being alone.....the world is full of wonderful people...just find peace with what your life needs to be for YOU......Mia
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-25-2004
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 9:53am
You are not alone. I have only recently begun my A, and this is the first time I have strayed from my M. I've been married 12 years, have kids (which is why I stay in the M), and my M has been going downhill for a long time now. My A is giving me all the passion and attention which is badly needed, and missing from my M. My H is a good man, and a good father, but I feel like his friend on good days, and his mother on bad days! My H does want a physical relationship with me, but more often than not I feel we are just going through the motions, theres so much bad feeling and resentment the rest of the time.

My OM makes me feel alive in a way I never knew even at the start of my M. This is not just sexually, its in every way. I know its wrong, but the way it makes me feel makes it so right. I'm only 32, why should I settle for being alone within my M? I'm terrified of what would happen if my H should ever find out, but I will not stop my A, I deserve some happiness.

My A is also giving me so much confidence in myself, and I have now started to stand up to my H and try and change things I am not happy with in the M. If I can feel like this at the start of my A, what will I be like in a years time? My A is so right, I don't know what I would do without it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-02-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 1:12pm
Not alone at all! Jeeze, my marriage is terrible. No passion, just despise and discontent. I have nothing at all in common with my W. She is a selfish, bitter person with no compassion for anyone or anything. I would have left long ago except for my kids. I love them so very very much, I couldn't do that to them. Yet this marriage is doomed to fail. The only thing that's keeping me back from the edge right now is MW. Like you said, I can't imagine spending the rest of my life this way. It's too short.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 2:16pm
No, you are not alone. I don't have any passion left for the man I married. My A makes possible to be in the marriage really. Its not really all his fault that we are not in love anymore, if you know what I mean. There are two sides to a story or maybe three , but what you and the others said sums it all up.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-30-2003
Sun, 04-04-2004 - 10:05pm
crzyhorsenut1,

Suicide Watch!! What does that mean, exactly?? I'm worried. Is it you or him? Please let us know what is happening here.

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