am I awful?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-21-2010
am I awful?
4
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 1:33pm

Hi everyone-

I'm new here, but have been lurking around. I have been in an A for 18 months. Every week or so we contemplate ending it, but we just can't seem to let eachother go. I met him on an internet affair dating site, so we both knew what we wanted, and it's funny, I often say to myself "careful what you wish for" because this is so HARD! All of it, the rollercoaster emotions, the time apart, and the jealousy are so difficult. I didn't even know I was a jealous vindictive person until this relationship! And I hate the way I feel, the things I think. Basically..I cannot get over my AP's W. I see her often though we are not friends, and she seems happy as ever. How can she be so clueless?!? It absolutely KILLS me that he goes home and pretends everything is peachy to her, kisses her butt all weekend and on vacations, while I struggle with my marriage! While I've been in this A my M has deteriorated, but seems to me my AP's M is doing just fine! OMG! I find myself lying in bed thinking of ways to tip off the W! I know that is so wrong. :-( Short of writing her an email I guess I couldn't. I feel like she should know who she is married too! Of course I am no better :-( Does that make me a terrible person? I just cannot believe the farce that goes on at their house, while my home falls apart since I devote so much of myself to this man. He talks all the time about D, about his M ending, about wanting to be with me. But in the same breath, he is OBSESSED with her finding out, he is overly paranoid and freaks out on me if I even park near his W!! He threatened to leave me if I continued being friends with a woman his W knows! I certainly understand he doens't want to get caught and hurt his W and kids, but jesus! It's a little much. Makes me feel very much like the disgusting OW.
If anyone has any insight or advice for me I'd love it. I think I should get out of this before I do something I regret.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-02-2009
In reply to: dorrie912
Sun, 02-21-2010 - 4:35pm

Hi Dorrie,


No, you are not an awful person.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-23-2010
In reply to: dorrie912
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 11:47am
I think you know that if you even tried to tell his W, your AP will throw you so far to the curb it wouldn't be funny. It sounds like you are looking for more than just an A while you are just a convenient side dish for your AP. He loves his W and wants his family intact and he wouldn't tolerate you hurting her.
iVillage Member
Registered: 11-12-2008
In reply to: dorrie912
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 2:30pm

Just read the title of your post and to reply to that- If you fall in love with a person other than your spouse,you are not awful.Its life and its possible to love.A marriage doesnt mean you cant love someone else.BUT if you read the EAS, there is no another awful person on earth than those having found themselves in an A.

I am in mid 50s now and regret the manner in which I spent my life.I cant find a guy to have an emotional connection with.It feels a life wasted.A life w/o true love = wasted life.

I am sorry if I rambled and guess its not even related to your post.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2009
In reply to: dorrie912
Mon, 02-22-2010 - 8:24pm

you are not awful.. we've all been there, done that.. only if you knew what i think about