am I being fair?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
am I being fair?
3
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 12:39pm
Okay, I have done some major thinking here, and I even had NC with MM for a week, so that I could be impartial in my thoughts and remove him from the equation. I have considered what my M has been over the past years, married 8 years tomorrow, and all of my therapy for depression in the last 3 years, and all the efforts that have been made to change how distant my M has become. We have 3 children together, ages 6 and 7 and I have one that is 11. I am really wondering if a lot of my depression is due to my unhappy M, and if I would be much happier, and hence a better mom, if I were not in this relationship. He is not a bad H, he does not abuse me, he has a successful job, he is good around the house, and a very good dad. His lovemaking skills are fine, a little predictable, but the once a month or so is killing me. He does have a very low sex drive, mine is and always has been, very high, with the exception of my being pregnant for 18 months out of 24 and for a short time after the twins were born. There is also a pain factor,due to a hysterectomy, that turns me off, but I have always made H aware of this. Mostly it was the lack of his desire and no affection towards me. These were all things I had talked to him about before the A happened. Even telling him that it was going to happen if he didn't change a few things. They changed temporarily, but went right back.



H, despite what I truly thought he would do if he ever caught me (found a letter I had written) says he still loves me and wants to work it out. We are going through all the phases: bitterness, anger, hurt, and just getting through, but I am still not convinced that I would be better off w/ him, than w/o him. I still feel that we should go our opposite ways. I also do not feel that I am being fair to him, as I am fairly sure, I will not be able to stay faithful, even if he works on things. I am convinced that he will not change permanantly. I refuse to be unfaithful, and put him or myself through that again.



So, I am asking if anyone has any thoughts on whether or not I am being fair, in carrying out my decision to leave H, continue therapy, and let everyone get on with their lives from here. I know my children have no clue, and will be devestated, but I am trying to think of long term. Or, do I take my second chance and have both of us work on this M?

Thanks! :)




iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 1:00pm
hi lady and you're right, H will not change who and/or what he is. if his sex drive is so low (have you discussed viagra?) and you just are not satisfied, you will end up seeking out what you are missing from your M with other men.

i believe you are being fair insofar as you do not want to continually string H along, even if he is willing to "work" on your M. you know, in your heart of hearts, that you're not happy or content or willing to "bear with it" anymore.

can you have a trial separation and see how that goes -- like for 3 months to start with and then extend the time of the separation if you decide to stay separated. and stay with your therapy, you'll need an objective third party to talk to about all the changes you and the children will go through. it won't be easy, but in the end, you will feel like a burden has been lifted from your shoulders and your life will be your own!

good luck in 2004,

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-19-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 2:36pm
Thank you for posting a reply. I am as certain as I know my name, that I would be with my MM the very next chance we get. To me this says, that I am unwilling to change what I want and need in my life. I have never, ever done this before and I am CERTAIN, I would NEVER do this to my MM. I have read a lot about affairs in the last two and a half weeks, and they all say it has to do with my addiction to him, and that MM is only filling in the needs that my H is not. I can say with all honesty, that that is truly not the case.

We have become very close, and know each other very well, and OMG, would there be major family complications, but I am in love with him, and he is worth all of it. The most complicated thing in our relationship before H found out, was the fact that we had a real relationship, along with the totally AWESOME sexual one, and that made it difficult for us to be apart.

I am fully aware, just so you know, that I may never end up with MM, after I split from my H, and that is also something I am willing to deal with when the time comes. It is not that he does not love me, it is that his divorce will be extremely nasty, and his kids and mine are a concern to us, as they are good friends. And I will finally word it in this manner, his W and I WERE good friends. We still are friends as long as she has not found out, but, I am truly not her friend, as I have been told, because i am F*#%ing her H. I have thought this of myself all along, but obviously, my love for my MM, blocked that fact out fairly well. What this will do to her emotionally is something I am very sorry for, but unfortunately, that is 2little/2late.

My H does not need Viagra, it is not a physical sexual drive problem, it is a plain 'just not interested because he thinks it is not that impotant' problem. But, thanks for the suggestion. I guess I should have known this, but in the beginning, everything seemed fine. Then he went back to what he was when I met him. His changes are always temporary, never lasting long.

I am thinking though, that I may one day regret NOT at least attempting M counseling, and so I might just try it anyway. I just don't know what good it will do, if I go in with my mind made up, other than putting it all out there in front of an objective person.

And, on a completely different note, I am going absolutely crazy not being with my MM. It has been 10 days since our last real kiss, and on the 4th it will be a month since we last had sex. We were used to it being 2 to 6 times a week, and kissing even more often, so I am dying! I luckily got a hug and kiss on the cheek 2 days ago, but that was all we could manage, as his friends were around. I even had to hug them, just to keep attention off of that fact. ARGHH!

Today is my anniversary, and my H is trying to celebrate and got me a card and present, but I am making him return the gift, as it was too expensive, and we will go out to dinner instead. I will go that far, no further. It would be too hypocritical to do anything else. Really LOL note, my MM and his w are keeping our kids overnight so we can go out. Is my life totally F*#&ed up or what?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Thu, 01-01-2004 - 3:52pm
HI Fair

Sorry I did not read this before responding to your other post.

Only YOU really know what will work for you and your kid's as we do'nt really know guys at all just what you post.

BUT I would suggest do the MC try to enter it open minded, be honest in it otherwise it it pointless ,make it clear once and for all that you get the man back that you married permanently are he gets D period, do all that you can so that if you do walk away you can tell yourself and DOWN THE ROAD your kids you did everything possible to save there family.

Just a thought you will not really be able to think clearly for some months after haveing NC with the other womans husband, If you leave I suggest that you make a clean break with the whole bunch of them (MM B/W B/H)or it still may come back to bite your *ss and maybe the kids.


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