Am I being hypocritical?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Am I being hypocritical?
11
Sat, 05-16-2009 - 2:22pm

I've posted here before about my marriage and my AP. In summary, been married 3+ years (2nd time) and it has not been going well. My AP is an ex from 20 years ago, we still harbor feelings for one another, and I visited him in another state last month where we spent a lot of time together, in and out of bed. There has been serious talk about us getting back together, when the loose ends of our lives are wrapped up and we are ready.

My H and I have not had sex in more than 2 years. Due to several factors, mainly that he is constantly complaining of pain, illness and has generally become a listless, non enthusiastic person. We have had the "talk" about repairing our marriage, and are both in separate counseling.

Several months before I even contacted my AP (for more than a "hi, how are you doing" email), I was using my H's computer for work (he knows I do this) and discovered emails back and forth to a woman I don't know, exploring the possibility of sex. I confronted him, threatened to leave and he promised never to do it again. He knows my last serious relationship before him was with someone I ended up being suspicious about, and upon investigating, found he had posted and answered personal ads on CL, and was having several sexual relationships (wouldn't call them affairs, they were just for sex).

I have been back a few weeks from my vacation where I saw AP, and my H has said we will fix our relationship and work through it. A few days ago, I had to use his computer again, and being curious, checked his email. This time I found he had sent naked pictures of his genetalia to a woman I don't know saying "this is what you could have." I saw they had been sent from his phone, and so upon checking that, found several text messages from ANOTHER girl, apparently from some ad he posted. Further investigation uncovered a new email address, and signing up to some site called Hookup Hotel. He has a profile up where he states his is a Single Male looking for a couple for discrete sex!

I have not confronted him yet, as I'm not sure what I really want to do. I'm not as upset as I would have been, partly because of my AP. But in a way I'm pretty angry because:
1. My H promised never to do this again, and doesn't think I know.
2. My A was with someone I know, have a history with and we still share feelings for each other (now, deep friendship but later has a strong possibility of something more). My H is contacting strange people for random sex, who knows where they've been and what kind of people they are.

My H has been more attentive and tells me often I'm the best wife in the world. He has not pushed the no sex thing which I thought was out of respect. i have told him MANY times the reason I don't want to have sex with him is because he's stopped taking care of himself, and he is not attractive when he is constantly complaining of pain, illness or fatigue and yet does NOTHING to help cure it.

Am I a hypocrite for being upset that he is trolling the internet for random sex, when I myself have had an A and plan on seeing my AP again this fall? Part of me feels that I am, the other part says no, because my AP and I share a connection, whereas my H is just texting strange people he's never met.

Needless to say, I think this is a clear indication that my marriage is on it's way to being over. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the aftermath (finances, debt, where I'm going to live and how I'm going to make it on my own) and processing the grief of the loss of the life I'm used to. I just wanted feedback on if I am ridiculous for being upset with my H for his behavior when I myself have gone further physically than he has, but have feelings involved rather than just looking for a physical outlet. Thoughts anyone?

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iVillage Member
Registered: 02-05-2007
Sat, 05-16-2009 - 11:50pm
well if you both are looking eles were why leave get ya finances and bills under controlle 2 yrs is long time to go with out sex in couple i cut wife off for almost yr becouse we had fight as for being angry i cant i would i would feel less guilty hes probly been doing some one eles or just some one eles for sex for while but ya have as well check mate on that you do what you want no reason to chainge life ya used to just yet i dont think
iVillage Member
Registered: 06-12-2007
Sun, 05-17-2009 - 6:46pm

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 1:17pm

Am I a hypocrite for being upset that he is trolling the internet for random sex, when I myself have had an A and plan on seeing my AP again this fall?


Yes.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-19-2008
Mon, 05-18-2009 - 10:06pm

My questions is: "Why are you guys still together?" It's obvious you both don't have respect or compassion for each other anymore. Instead of looking in and trying to repair the M, both of you are looking for instant gratification somewhere else. So, why even bother? And "yes", you are being hypocritical, just because you knew your AP long time ago doesn't make your actions the lesser evil.

As someone has said. "Life's too short".

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"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."


- Ramona L. Anderson
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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 7:27am

1. Yes you are being hypocritical


2. Your marriage is doomed. I think its time to take some serious action toward divorce. Its clear that neither one of you are into this marriage and its time to end it.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 5:04pm

Well I was hoping for a bit more feedback than "yes" and "why are you still together". For those of you that did give more feedback, it was appreciated.


The posters on this board should understand that leaving your marriage, no matter how long you have been together, is not an easy thing to do. That's why we're all here. If we had happy satisfying marriages, none of us would be haivng A's. For those of you who said I should just leave, I think you're being a bit hypocritical yourselves. You are either the other person or married and having an affair, so why are you still in your current relationship and how is it different from mine?


I am seriously contemplating ending my marriage, but it's not a decision that can be made in a day, nor can it be carried out in one day. Both our behaviors indicate we are not happy with each other and there are serious problems, but I have not fully decided if they are problems that can or cannot be solved. Both of us are in counseling and hopefully that will help us come to terms with what we truly want.


I'm curious if anyone else has gotten to this point and what happened with your relationships? Did you stay with your spouse? Divorce and be with your AP? Divorce and be alone? I would like to hear other people's experiences.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 5:11pm
I left both my spouse and AP. I wasnt happy with my dh and I found out after I left my dh that my AP was only a crutch...a symptom of the problem and not the solution. If you really want out of a marriage..it isnt difficult. You may have to give up some things...you may need to down grade your life style and get a second job...well so be it. YOu do want you need to do to get out of a bad or unhappy marriage.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-04-2003
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 5:27pm

Thank you for your response, nycgirl82411, that's the kind of thing I was looking for. I have wondered if I will end up with either of them or someone else entirely, or no one.


You're right, actually leaving the marriage is a lot easier compared to really coming to terms with ending it. The decision is a scary one, and one that you don't want to make quickly. Once it's made and everyone's on the same page, then it does become easier. Downsizing, getting finances in order, those are tasks that can be accomplished. I'm stuggling with the decision and if it's what I truly want. There is more to this decision than leaving the marriage to consider. I may be moving out of state if I divorce, and do I really want to do that.


I'm not ready to commit to one decision or another. I'm in counseling partly to find out if I can get back the feelings I used to have for my H or if it's too late to salvage anything.


How long did it take you to realize that your AP was just a crutch? After you ended both relationships, were you happier or did it make it harder on you?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-05-2009
Tue, 05-19-2009 - 5:34pm

Hello,


I think its the fear of the unknown that stops people from leaving their marriage. I was scared to but I knew I couldnt go on that way. It wasnt until about 5 months into my divorce that I started to realize that AP was crutch. I started to feel independent and I realize that I only used him to suppliment my marriage. I realized that I didnt need a man to take care of me....its nice to have one in your life BUT its not a necessity and it doesnt mean you are worth less

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-07-2009
Wed, 05-20-2009 - 12:52pm

Like nyc, I left my exh and AP.

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