Am I being hypocritical?
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| Sat, 05-16-2009 - 2:22pm |
I've posted here before about my marriage and my AP. In summary, been married 3+ years (2nd time) and it has not been going well. My AP is an ex from 20 years ago, we still harbor feelings for one another, and I visited him in another state last month where we spent a lot of time together, in and out of bed. There has been serious talk about us getting back together, when the loose ends of our lives are wrapped up and we are ready.
My H and I have not had sex in more than 2 years. Due to several factors, mainly that he is constantly complaining of pain, illness and has generally become a listless, non enthusiastic person. We have had the "talk" about repairing our marriage, and are both in separate counseling.
Several months before I even contacted my AP (for more than a "hi, how are you doing" email), I was using my H's computer for work (he knows I do this) and discovered emails back and forth to a woman I don't know, exploring the possibility of sex. I confronted him, threatened to leave and he promised never to do it again. He knows my last serious relationship before him was with someone I ended up being suspicious about, and upon investigating, found he had posted and answered personal ads on CL, and was having several sexual relationships (wouldn't call them affairs, they were just for sex).
I have been back a few weeks from my vacation where I saw AP, and my H has said we will fix our relationship and work through it. A few days ago, I had to use his computer again, and being curious, checked his email. This time I found he had sent naked pictures of his genetalia to a woman I don't know saying "this is what you could have." I saw they had been sent from his phone, and so upon checking that, found several text messages from ANOTHER girl, apparently from some ad he posted. Further investigation uncovered a new email address, and signing up to some site called Hookup Hotel. He has a profile up where he states his is a Single Male looking for a couple for discrete sex!
I have not confronted him yet, as I'm not sure what I really want to do. I'm not as upset as I would have been, partly because of my AP. But in a way I'm pretty angry because:
1. My H promised never to do this again, and doesn't think I know.
2. My A was with someone I know, have a history with and we still share feelings for each other (now, deep friendship but later has a strong possibility of something more). My H is contacting strange people for random sex, who knows where they've been and what kind of people they are.
My H has been more attentive and tells me often I'm the best wife in the world. He has not pushed the no sex thing which I thought was out of respect. i have told him MANY times the reason I don't want to have sex with him is because he's stopped taking care of himself, and he is not attractive when he is constantly complaining of pain, illness or fatigue and yet does NOTHING to help cure it.
Am I a hypocrite for being upset that he is trolling the internet for random sex, when I myself have had an A and plan on seeing my AP again this fall? Part of me feels that I am, the other part says no, because my AP and I share a connection, whereas my H is just texting strange people he's never met.
Needless to say, I think this is a clear indication that my marriage is on it's way to being over. Right now I'm trying to figure out how to deal with the aftermath (finances, debt, where I'm going to live and how I'm going to make it on my own) and processing the grief of the loss of the life I'm used to. I just wanted feedback on if I am ridiculous for being upset with my H for his behavior when I myself have gone further physically than he has, but have feelings involved rather than just looking for a physical outlet. Thoughts anyone?

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Thank you for your responses. I am not sure what will happen with either my H or AP. I have limited contact with my AP (easier to do as he lives in a different state). We text occasionally, but not every day, and I'm sticking to light or fun conversations, nothing deep (we are still friends, and no matter what happens, we will always be friends).
As for my H and I. we have both started separate counseling. I have told my counselor all the gory details, and told her that my biggest concern now is if I can get back the loving feelings I used to have for my husband. As of now (and even before I started the A) I love him, but more like a family member, not as a spouse. The idea of anything physical (anything more than a peck) makes me feel like I'm doing something with my cousin - yuck. I told the counsellor that I don't know if my romantic feelings can return, and if they can't, then this is not going to be a relationship that either of us will be happy with. My H is a good man, and he deserves to be loved just like me and everyone else. My goal this summer is to really determine if our marriage has a chance or not.
Even though I do not have a lot of contact with my AP, I still think of him constantly. I think I would feel different if it was someone I didn't have such a long history with, and someone I didn't always
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