Am I crazy?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
Am I crazy?
6
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 12:46am
Am I crazy???? I have been very happy with my BF, everything is great, but recently met a guy who I don't even know well and can not think of my life without him. He is the same way. I am not a cheater and have not but not only want to cheat but sacrifice everything for this guy. Actually I don't want to cheat I just want to be with him and vice versa. This is not me!!! I am so loyal!! I always do the right thing!! I have had MANY men have crushes on me and I am flattered but that is it. I am scared my BF may even ask marriage soon. How can I leave he is so wonderful...I am very lucky. I do no even know what is missing between us for me to want to be with this other person more than anything. How do I know if it is real. I am usually very cautious about love. HELP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: stella1971
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 7:19am
Hi Stella,

I feel you on this. I guess your relationship with BF is pretty serious since you think he may be asking M? Are you two living together? How long have you been together? Just what is all invested in your relationship? I know

I am not making light of your relationship with your BF, but some guys to ask marriage somewhat prematurely. Do you have doubts about marrying BF? It honestly sounds like you may not be ready for M, and there is nothing wrong with that. You say your BF is wonderful and you are lucky to have him and that everything is wonderful. But you did not say you love BF. It is obvious that you care for BF, but it is not clear if you love him or not. Please DO NOT agree to marry someone because you think they are nice and they treat you well. Also don't agree to M to avoid hurting your BF's feelings. Before I married my H, there were two guys who asked me to marry them. They were nice and I did not want to "crush" them, so I did not give them an answer, but stayed in the relationships not feeling the same way about them they supposedly felt about me. Later, when someone senses your feelings for them are not as strong as you let them beleive, they get RESENTFUL. It is not fair to BF to have him around because he is nice and wonderful when your heart is yearning to be with another. I have no advice on what you should really do, but I'd just like to point this all out to you so you can decide. BF may be "crushed" to learn that your feelings for him are not as strong as he thought them to be, or that they are divided with another person. But people are very resilient about these sort of things before things go further...I think it is safe to say that a significant number of us have gotten over former loves. Just think how hurt BF would be if you stayed with him, but was also seeing this other guy. Or, picture you in BF's position. How would you feel to date someone who seemed serious about you, and you thought the feeling was mutual, but then you learned he had this strong feeling to be with someone else during the time he was lovey dovey to you.

These are just things to think about. Good luck to you.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-25-2004
In reply to: stella1971
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 9:46am
My advice is break it off for a while with your BF. If you are having feelings about another guy then you need to find out why. Trust me, not being married yet is a good thing, take advantage of the fact that youre not committed to this man by marriage yet. I'd give anything to have met my MM and be single, both he and I, then we could have been together openly, rather than in an affair. You need to find out what this man may have that you find attractive that your BF does not have. And please dont agree to marry him just because you feel its the right thing to do. You will regret it later. You are single, stay that way until you are 100% sure of the man you want to be with for the rest of your life.

Mama

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
In reply to: stella1971
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 11:12am
Thank you for your input. We have been together for almost 2 years and have lived together for almost 1 year. I moved in with the intention of this was forever. I do love BF very much and thought that we I was very lucky in life to have met my true love finally. Now taht this other Man (single) has come into the picture, I don't know!!!!?? Like I said I have had other men be similar to this man to me but I never reacted like this before!! I want to cry I want to be with him so bad and not even sexual. Just with him. Thanks again
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
In reply to: stella1971
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 11:35am
Thank You for your input. I tried to just send out the shortened version of the story. I love my BF and before the Man (single) walked into my life I had (have) an amazing relationship. I truly thought I was with my 1 true love, until now, I don't have any absolutes that I am suppossed to be with this other person forever we have no history etc just my heart wants to be there.Which is NEVER something I jump into NEVER!! Not even when I am single. I do not jump I do not make irrational decisions. The other guy claims our mutual feelings are because it is truly meant to be. He is having a very hard time as he feels something he didn't know could exist. He says he would fight for me but I am not his to fight for. What makes this even more complicated is that we would be ostracized as we have many mutual friend with BF and I can even live with that. I would end up with absolutely nothing if I left and it didn't work out, but I still want it? I have been with BF almost 2 years and we have lived together for the past year. We have had some trying times not because of our relationship but because of some exterior elements in our lives but we have persevered and grown stronger through the hard times. I DO NOT want to hurt him in any way BUT how do (can) I tell him? Do I just wait and see if I can just get over this person? If I have(because of my own need) to see this person do I wait to see and then let him know? Do I go get my head checked out? Like I said in my first email my relationship felt like I had it ALL, I still can't think of what I may be missing... the other guy does not have anymore than BF to offer me. My life is truly unbelieveable and the envy of others, what is going on? My heart is breaking in 2 directions. The mans heart is breaking because he can't imagine the world without me in his life ( and I would be anyway we will see each other in public) and it would kill BF, he would never forgive me. Never. How do I know if it is truly love? I truly love BF and I feel I truly love the other guy but I don't know him well enough to make a logical statement on that. How can I possibly be in love with someone I barely know? How can look in his eyes and see the rest of my life? I would think that whoever wrote this post was crazy. Thsi is not me but all of me I want to cry I am so lost. How can I love 2 but want to be with one more?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
In reply to: stella1971
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 9:42pm
Hi Stella,

I think you can provide yourself with the answer to your questions if you re-read your posts. Here are some interesting points you said in favor of not damaging your relationship with your BF...

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Here are a couple of points you made in favor of testing other waters and sacrificing what you have with BF...

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It appears you have more points to stay with BF, however, the two points you made about sacrificing things with BF are quite strong.

You love BF but have doubts. You may be advised to have an A and keep both, but you sound like you have too much of a conscience to do that. You sound like you would have too much guilt to be able to pull it off. Also, if this other guy is serious about wanting to fight for you, he may want you both found out in order to force a break up and have you allt to himself.

I've had a few of guys in my past too who wanted to fight over me and were openly hostile to my boyfriend at the time. Some of these guys I had romantic feelings towards, and some of them I have not. One thing I learned is that men can also be into the whole romantic feeling and dramalization of it all, thus wanting to fight for a woman and such. I know what this other guy is saying and doing seems so sincere...and it is for now. Believe me, these are moccasins I have walked several miles in before. If you decide not to hook up with this other guy, don't be surprised if later on down the road, he has these intense feelings for someone else in your circle of friends.

I really don't know if this other guy is the answer for you. You are even unsure and you know him; not me. But because you dearly love BF, yet have these major temptations, you may not be ready to take the next step with him. I have no idea how you would tell him. It is something easier said than acutally done. You may just be going through a phase, as I think you realize, but you don't want this phase to cause you so much anguish. Just be glad you are not married right now, but I know you are very serious with BF.

Usually, when I have such a dilemma, I put myself in the effected person's shoes and really practice the golden rule. I truly treat the other person the way I would want to be treated in the relationship, and make up my mind that I will have no regrets for my choices, because I know that if I TRULY treated the person the way I want to be treated, then I have done the right thing. So seriously ask yourself how would you want things to go if you were in BF's position. If you decide to stay with BF, don't regret that you gave up a chance with the other guy. If you decide to come clean and be fair and honest with BF and make a choice to explore the waters with other guy, accept the consequences

and don't regret your choice. But don't try to have it both ways. This board alone should be an indication that having an A would not be the healthiest choice (although some would beg to differ). Also, get lots of advice from other boards. Go to the Relationships Message Board and look at all the different boards that can help you. The perspectives you have, the better your decision making ability (I think).

Good luck and keep us posted.

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2004
In reply to: stella1971
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 10:36pm
Thank You Thank you Thank you. You are pretty bang on about me and maybe the advice I needed to make the RIGHT decision. Why are you here? To help poor saps like me before I end up in a situation I no longer have control of iE A?