Am I crazy?
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Am I crazy?
| Tue, 01-27-2004 - 12:46am |
Am I crazy???? I have been very happy with my BF, everything is great, but recently met a guy who I don't even know well and can not think of my life without him. He is the same way. I am not a cheater and have not but not only want to cheat but sacrifice everything for this guy. Actually I don't want to cheat I just want to be with him and vice versa. This is not me!!! I am so loyal!! I always do the right thing!! I have had MANY men have crushes on me and I am flattered but that is it. I am scared my BF may even ask marriage soon. How can I leave he is so wonderful...I am very lucky. I do no even know what is missing between us for me to want to be with this other person more than anything. How do I know if it is real. I am usually very cautious about love. HELP?

I feel you on this. I guess your relationship with BF is pretty serious since you think he may be asking M? Are you two living together? How long have you been together? Just what is all invested in your relationship? I know
I am not making light of your relationship with your BF, but some guys to ask marriage somewhat prematurely. Do you have doubts about marrying BF? It honestly sounds like you may not be ready for M, and there is nothing wrong with that. You say your BF is wonderful and you are lucky to have him and that everything is wonderful. But you did not say you love BF. It is obvious that you care for BF, but it is not clear if you love him or not. Please DO NOT agree to marry someone because you think they are nice and they treat you well. Also don't agree to M to avoid hurting your BF's feelings. Before I married my H, there were two guys who asked me to marry them. They were nice and I did not want to "crush" them, so I did not give them an answer, but stayed in the relationships not feeling the same way about them they supposedly felt about me. Later, when someone senses your feelings for them are not as strong as you let them beleive, they get RESENTFUL. It is not fair to BF to have him around because he is nice and wonderful when your heart is yearning to be with another. I have no advice on what you should really do, but I'd just like to point this all out to you so you can decide. BF may be "crushed" to learn that your feelings for him are not as strong as he thought them to be, or that they are divided with another person. But people are very resilient about these sort of things before things go further...I think it is safe to say that a significant number of us have gotten over former loves. Just think how hurt BF would be if you stayed with him, but was also seeing this other guy. Or, picture you in BF's position. How would you feel to date someone who seemed serious about you, and you thought the feeling was mutual, but then you learned he had this strong feeling to be with someone else during the time he was lovey dovey to you.
These are just things to think about. Good luck to you.
Pen
Mama
I think you can provide yourself with the answer to your questions if you re-read your posts. Here are some interesting points you said in favor of not damaging your relationship with your BF...
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Here are a couple of points you made in favor of testing other waters and sacrificing what you have with BF...
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It appears you have more points to stay with BF, however, the two points you made about sacrificing things with BF are quite strong.
You love BF but have doubts. You may be advised to have an A and keep both, but you sound like you have too much of a conscience to do that. You sound like you would have too much guilt to be able to pull it off. Also, if this other guy is serious about wanting to fight for you, he may want you both found out in order to force a break up and have you allt to himself.
I've had a few of guys in my past too who wanted to fight over me and were openly hostile to my boyfriend at the time. Some of these guys I had romantic feelings towards, and some of them I have not. One thing I learned is that men can also be into the whole romantic feeling and dramalization of it all, thus wanting to fight for a woman and such. I know what this other guy is saying and doing seems so sincere...and it is for now. Believe me, these are moccasins I have walked several miles in before. If you decide not to hook up with this other guy, don't be surprised if later on down the road, he has these intense feelings for someone else in your circle of friends.
I really don't know if this other guy is the answer for you. You are even unsure and you know him; not me. But because you dearly love BF, yet have these major temptations, you may not be ready to take the next step with him. I have no idea how you would tell him. It is something easier said than acutally done. You may just be going through a phase, as I think you realize, but you don't want this phase to cause you so much anguish. Just be glad you are not married right now, but I know you are very serious with BF.
Usually, when I have such a dilemma, I put myself in the effected person's shoes and really practice the golden rule. I truly treat the other person the way I would want to be treated in the relationship, and make up my mind that I will have no regrets for my choices, because I know that if I TRULY treated the person the way I want to be treated, then I have done the right thing. So seriously ask yourself how would you want things to go if you were in BF's position. If you decide to stay with BF, don't regret that you gave up a chance with the other guy. If you decide to come clean and be fair and honest with BF and make a choice to explore the waters with other guy, accept the consequences
and don't regret your choice. But don't try to have it both ways. This board alone should be an indication that having an A would not be the healthiest choice (although some would beg to differ). Also, get lots of advice from other boards. Go to the Relationships Message Board and look at all the different boards that can help you. The perspectives you have, the better your decision making ability (I think).
Good luck and keep us posted.
Pen