Am I Crazy?!

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-16-2003
Am I Crazy?!
7
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 3:16pm
I was in an EMA recently and ended it. Although it was a painful ending, my husband and I are still together. My problem is, since other man #1 is out of the picture, I am constantly looking for another man to replace him. Is this crazy? I just feel like something is missing in my marriage and I have to have someone besides my husband to fill that void. I can't put my finger on what it is. I love my husband, of course, but I just NEED the excitement of sneaking, the good sex, someone different to pay attention to me. Anyone else feel the same? Give me some advice.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
In reply to: slross78
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 3:43pm
I sort of feel like that too, I haven't seen MM for a couple of months. Don't know if I ever will again although last time we emailed (3 weeks ago) he said he wants to. The only thing is sometimes I get so antsy and think I want to look for someone else. But I am afraid of catching diseases, I felt SO safe with my MM as far as that went. We didn't even use protection with each other because we were so sure of the other one's monogamous relationship at home. I was so very comfortable with him and everything we did, I don't know if I can get that way with another man. And then I think, can anyone really replace him?

But I know how you feel, definitely. And there is something that is missing in my marriage that I need outside of it (mostly good sex and intimacy).

Dusty

xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
In reply to: slross78
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 8:27pm
You are certainly not alone. I was involved in an EMA for 6 months, and it seemed to satisfy every emotional and physical need that I had. I remember my MM saying that he could tell just by looking at me that something was missing for me (passion) and he wanted to help me....

After the EMA ended, I felt so lost and desperate for affection. Any affection my H gives me doesn't seem to satisfy me. I think my clue came from yet another OM just recently. He said something about me appearing full of passion, yet not satisfied. My gosh, he hit the nail on the head. Just hearing this OM say this to me got me thinking about him now......

I don't know why all of us feel this way...but I can certainly relate to your feelings of "unfulfillment".....

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
In reply to: slross78
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 11:15pm

you are certainly not alone... one reason that I made a decision to hold onto both my marriage and my EMA... and continue to make them both work.


I feel that MM gives me what DH can't... and with them both... all my needs and wants are being fullfilled.

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-20-2003
In reply to: slross78
Wed, 10-22-2003 - 11:50pm
Yes, you said it. The sense of "fulfillment" for me does not come from just one....I feel so selfish sometimes. I've justified what I have done by looking at it this way. How happy and free I feel when I sense the fulfillment of both....

...this is the part that not everyone understands. We know we are judged and will be judged by people who.....perhaps don't have this curse that we do? The curse of not being fulfilled? Any thoughts on this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: slross78
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 8:07am
I think for some, the person they married just isn't enough. One person can't be all things to another person. As that article I posted yesterday said, these relationships never leave the early stage because of the forbidden element. Most of us will never get to take OM/MM's last name or pay his bills or make his dinner or take care of him when he's sick. There are so many unfulfilled elements of these Rs that we remain intrigued whereas in a monogamous relationship we would satisfy our curiosity about what it's like to do all these things and get bored. We wonder what it would be like to go on vacation with OM/MM instead of our own spouses or just to come home to him every night. The reality is, if we DID achieve the ability to do all that, we'd probably be back in the same boat. We'd be looking for someone else to meet all the needs OM/MM can't. And there WOULD be needs he couldn't meet. In my case, MM and I have very few common interests. He spends his free time camping and playing sports... I am more into dinner at a nice restaurant, shopping at the mall, going to the movies. H LOVES those things, so I fit with him. Yet I have this MM who looks at me like he could just ravish me and who claims to want to do all these wonderful things for me... And on top of that, he makes me laugh and I love talking to him. But I know if you took H out of the picture and we were together, it wouldn't be enough. I'd miss my companion -- my best friend. I don't know if it's any deeper than that. I tried online flirting groups, thinking maybe I'd meet someone and get over MM, but I just ended up feeling dirty and used. I didn't like it one bit. It's not the same, meeting someone online who wants to have phone sex with you within thirty seconds of meeting you. I didn't feel like they even knew who I was. So that tells me it's not about the sex. It's about being wanted, loved, for who I am, not for what size bra I wear...
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-23-2003
In reply to: slross78
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 8:43am
To share my first hand experience, when I found myself cooking dinner for my OM every night, paying the bills together, grocery shopping and raking leaves together I quickly found another void that needed to be filled...I wasn't married 4 months to my OM and I was involved in another EMA...

When I think about things ending with my OM I am almost certain that I will eventually find myself in another EMA. However, when I think about the risks I take being involved with another man I wonder if I could ever find someone who would be as discreet as my OM is. He takes this whole thing very seriously for his sake and mine. Im not sure why he is as discreet as he is but I appreciate that about him. I trust him to cover his tracks, not to put us in the hot seat, to be responsible enough to do damage control if needed and never just stop calling without an explaination of why he needs out...these are things I wonder if I could find in another man.

Liberal

a/k/a cl-imshagnhurman

callmeliberal@hotmail.com

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
In reply to: slross78
Thu, 10-23-2003 - 9:05am
You're probably right...he sounds like a great guy. Communication is key...that's a rarity. Most men just avoid discussing it and you have no idea why they're pulling away. When things are going well with MM, I live in dread because I know any day now the guilt is going to kick in and he'll start putting that distance between us again. We never go NC, but I can always tell when he's feeling guilty (or "strong," as he calls it). As I put it to him once, it's like I'm hitting tennis balls over a net and he's not hitting back. It's pretty humiliating to be doing all the flirting and have him just constantly steering the conversation back to small-talk. I've learned to withdraw during those times too. But it's hard to turn on a dime like he does. It takes me a day or two to adjust from being all lovey-dovey to being just friends. And then it takes a while once he starts trying to warm up again. I don't know if he's figured it out yet! A while back when he was pulling one of his avoiding-me numbers, I asked him to not do that. Just to let me know if he needs to slow things down and I'll do it. And so far, he's been good about doing that. Problem is, I don't think he realizes he's pulling away until a couple of days go by with him not calling when he's supposed to. Then I call him out on it, he usually admits he's avoiding me. The thing is, I'm not sure I WANT all the other stuff with him. I'm enjoying the friendship and flirting and being told I'm beautiful and the occasional kiss. I'm almost happier when he is pushing me away and we can be just friends. No pressure at all. It's all irrelevant anyway. I'm about to be moved into a situation where people are all around and we'll never have a second where someone can't hear what we're saying, so "just friends" is going to have to be it. Unless we start sneaking off together, which is a pretty scary proposition to me...