Am I doing the right thing?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Am I doing the right thing?
7
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 9:18am
Hello. I am 37 years old and I have been married for 8 years. I have a 4 year old daughter that I adore. My wife and I have been to couseling for almost all of the 8 years that we have been together. My marriage has been very difficult for both of us, with our daughter being the center of our life. We are kind to one another, but we have never been comfortable being married. There has never been any passion in our marriage. I regret to say that I have had an affair for 4 years. I fell in love with someone that is much more compatible with me. I do feel that she is my soulmate. She loves me deeply, but I have made her life a living hell. I have been unable to make the decision to leave my marriage and have made her many promises that I have failed to keep. She has tried to force me to stay away and spend some time away from my wife and her in order to make some decisions. She has encouraged me to go into individual counseling. 4 months ago, I told my wife that I do not believe that she is my life partner. She knows nothing of my affair. I have finally made the decision to stay in my marriage because I cannot bear to leave my daughter. My wife and I are doing better, but we have agreed that there will never be any passion in our relationship. My wife would like to have another baby and I have finally agreed. We want our daughter to have a sibling. I miss the other woman terribly. She does not understand how I can continue my marriage and have another child without telling my wife that I have been in another relationship for 4 years. She is hurting deeply because I led her to believe that we would be together and have a child of our own. Not to mention, we work together. I am scared that I have made the wrong decision. My wife could already be pregnant. I think about the other woman and how willing she was to move to wherever I needed to move in order to be near my daughter if my wife and I had divorced. She always stressed that my daughter should come first. I am afraid that I am always going to regret not ending my marriage in order to be in a truly happy healthy relationship. My wife has always been very controlling. I have never been able to stand up to her. I feel like a coward.

Please Help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-24-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 9:42am
Wow, I am sorry I don't have any advice, except follow your heart. IMO staying married for the childrens sake is NOT good for the children. I come from a home where my parents did that, even thought they both wanted out, and it was miserable for us kids...just horrible. Kids know more then we think they do.

But on the other hand...it's really great to hear about an A from a mans point of view. Since we almost all wonder what goes through our MM/OM heads...

Sorry I couldn't be more help.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-02-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 10:55am
yes, tis is nice to hear a man's point of view. I also, do not believe it is a good idea to stay for the kids sake----the kids know and it would be better for them if there parents are happy--either together or apart. Divorce is not easy. If you and your wife have done everything you can and are sure it isn't going to work then follow your heart but don't leave your wife for someone else. Leave her because she isn't the right one for you--people make mistakes and the harm is in not admitting them to ourselves and the other. After you settle things with her, then spend lots of time to make a separate decision about your soulmate-she does sound like a wonderful woman. It is hard getting involved with someone who is married and when you are married. It can cloud the issues if you are not careful.

I am with a man who is in a very similar situation-with a very controlling and abusive woman and has a hard time standing up to her--I don't respect that. But i also understand the difficult situation he is in and how heartbreaking it is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 1:45pm
I think that leaving your girlfriend alone is the right thing to do. You need to ask yourself so many questions before you can really be with her. Is it right to stay in your marriage even though you aren't happy? In my opinion, no. I grew up in a house where my parents seemed to "like" each other enough, but I always knew there was something wrong. I think we underestimate what children are aware of. If you're miserable, no matter how hard you try to hide it, your chidren will probably know.

I don't think you should contact your girlfriend until you're sure you what you want. I know that's easier said than done, but it will be best for everyone in the end.

I wish you the best of luck. Take one day at a time. Your answers will come when you take a step back and breathe.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 2:49pm

I'm reminded of a friend of mine who was with her husband for well over 10 years. They had a four year old daughter when they decided to have another child. The second child was a bit difficult in infancy (colicky, mainly...

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 9:05pm
You sound like my MM - they've been in counseling since before they were married, five years and two kids later things are not any better. She is controlling and abusive as well. I will tell you what I have told MM for years...if she knows you will not leave the M because of your child, then what better way to ensure you will be around longer than to have another child. As long as kids are in the picture, she has the ultimate control over you. If having another child doesn't make you stay in the M then the threat of losing custody will be the next manipulation tool. DO NOT believe this. If you have any doubt regarding custody/visitation/child support - don't take the advise of your W or of your friends - go straight to an attorney to find out what is the standard in your state. If counseling has not helped after all these years, it is not going to get any better. Your options are to leave the M and try to make a happy life for you and your child(ren), stay in the marriage for the sake of the kids and accept that this is all your life will be.

You will continue to have a roommate (aka your W) and the two of you will share the same personal misery of a loveless/dispassionate marriage and teach your child(ren) to lower their expections of what a relationship should be.

My advise is if W is not pregnant - do not have another child. It will not make anything better and will only complicate the matter. Don't make a major life change (another baby, divorce, etc) until you figure out what it is that YOU want out of life for yourself.

As for OW, communicate with her. Let her know what you are going through - don't make anymore promises you don't intend or can't keep. If you do decide to leave the M - don't jump into a cohabitational relationship or marriage with the OW, until you have had a chance to catch your breath from the changes.

By the way - why didn't you keep your promises? This is for my own curiosity. Did you mean it at the time you said it, did you say it because it was what she wanted to hear, did you say it because you felt pressured?

Good luck and keep us updated

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-18-2003
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 11:41pm
I did not keep my promises because I was too afraid to leave my daughter. At first, I told OW that I did not want to leave until I had a chance to really bond with my daughter. I was afraid that she would never really know me as her Dad. Then, after the incredible bond (I had no idea how strong it could get) I was too scared to leave her. My OW used to always tell met that "This is not a competition. I am not competing with your daughter". One of the last things that I told her was that, for me, she was as good as it gets. However, she does not stack up to my daughter. Anyway, I really thought I could leave. I never told her what she wanted to hear, at least not consciously. I was terrified of losing her. I tried to convince her to adopt a child. She would be such a terrific Mom. I regret that I kept her hanging on through some critical years for her 38-42. Now, she feels that she may be too old to have child of her own. I fear that she will hate me for that. I kept urging her to wait for me to have a child.....I was terribly selfish....now she is paying the price. It seems like everything has been at her expense. Maybe she should have pressured me more.

Jon

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-12-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 12:51am
No I believe if she had pressured you, you would have eventually resented her. She made the choice to wait for you because she loves you and was hoping she would have a future with you.

As for the relationship with your daughter. Even if you get a D, you can still have a fulfilling, loving, and meaningful relationship with your child. If you decide to get a D, you will be leaving the marriage not your responsibilies as a father. Look at it this way, what if your job required you to travel a few days during the week, would that make you any less of a father? Would that mean that you would completely abdicate your duties? No, it would mean that you make the most of the time that you do have with your child. I worked full time and went to school at night 2 - 3 times a week, depending on the availability of classes. This went on for five years until I finally got my BA. I did not spend a considerable time with the kids during this period, but I made the most of the time that I did have with them. They had NO question in their mind that I loved them and that what I was doing would benefit all of us. Granted, a D is long term, but you if you continue to work on your relationship with your DD, then she will know that you are not leaving her as you continue to be there for her.

My parents stayed married for the "kids sake" and I stayed married 4 yrs too long for the "kids sake". In both situations, this was a major mistake. I, like my father, tended to work longer hours to avoid the misery which awaited me at home. This meant that I was spending less time with the kids because I did not want to be in the same house with the XH. This is also the situation with MM, he works very long hours to avoid confrontation with the W thereby spending less time with his kids. And this has been stated on the board numerous times, kids are much more intuitive than people give them credit. The younger they are, the instinctual they are, they pick up on the tension in the air even if they do not witness the actual controversies. As they get older, they not only pick up on the tension but they put the pieces together and figure it out on their own.

Another danger with a controling spouse is that they will begin to manipulate the situation with the child, and start using the child as a pawn. She may begin to put ideas in your daughter's head about why you are a bad H or father (this doesn't always happen and if it hasn't happened yet, just be aware of the possibility).

In my case, I know it is not a competition between me and his kids. There would be no contest and I would not expect there should be. I do not expect him to choose between a relationship between me and his kids - EVER. The type of love that exists between a parent and child can not and does not compare to that of a significant other. It is comparing apples and oranges.

I left my marriage for me. I was not involved with anyone when I left (actually told him to leave). At first, I wondered if I ended the marriage because I was too weak to stick it out until the kids were older or was I weak for not ending it sooner. It has become very clear to me over the past five years since the D is that I should have left sooner. I now know that there was no way I could have continued to live a half life. I had no passion left for anything. When the greatest source of joy, my kids, no longer brought the same degree of joy, it was time to get out and we are all better for it. The sad thing about the situation is that my XH does not participate in the kids lives. It is his choice not to do so. He lives 10 minutes away and I make every concession for him to spend time with the kids, I give him calendars of their activities, I call and let him know what is going on with them, etc. I attempt to facilitate his participation as much as I can (sometimes it feels like I am still married to him) but he chooses not to. The relationship they have with their father would not be any different if we had stayed M. He would have been doing his own thing anyway, I just would have been supportig him.

Sorry this is long, but it is nice to get the male perspective in a situation that is similar to mine.

saatty