Am I Going Crazy?????

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Am I Going Crazy?????
6
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 1:01am
Hey everyone, well i wanted to post about how i am doing since MM and I arent seeing each other anymore even though he still has not called me nor has he IM me telling me it is over between us, i just already figured that it is, we havent talked since the friend tried to blackmail me which is going on a month and a half so i guess he doesnt wont me anymore and it hurts but i am trying my best to get over it and it's hard because everything reminds me of him. I hate that i have such a good memory sometimes just laying in bed brings the memories back and then the tears start falling down on my cheeks. I have to hide my pain and hurt from friends and family even though i just want to break down sometimes, i just tell myself it will get better. Ok so here i am trying to move on and put MM out of mind, trying to stay busy and keep focus on other things but it isnt working. I think i am going completely crazy, see my MM's name is not that common so you would think i wouldnt hear that name mentioned sooo much but i do everyday. Here's a few consequences that has happened and it's weird. First of all, everytime a vehicle like his passes me i start thinking about him, i dont give that much thought b/c there's millions of people who have the same vehicle like his. The next one is i was going outside for a break at school and i just happened to glance over and there was the exact truck that he drives sitting right next to my car, same color, model, everything. Well that hit me hard b/c when we used to work together MM would always park beside my car. I went out of town to visit my parents and walked into a store to find out the manager had my MM's name. Just the other day i was at school and the girl sitting behind me had on a shirt and at first i didnt pay it any attention, when i turned back around, i saw the shirt with his name on it, uggh i am getting so frustrated with all of this, i even asked the girl to read what her shirt said b/c i thought maybe it was all in my mind but it's not. This is really scary to me, even before MM and I had issues with the A, i would still hear or see his name but it has gotten worse since we arent together. I know this post might sound to yall but i just want to know if anyone has experienced this and if they have, how do you really and truly get over the A when everywhere you go his name or the memories are being thrown in your face? I have tried everything, no emailing, calling, etc, but nothing is working, i want in a way to believe that maybe this is fate and even though we are not together now that maybe in the future we will be but that's just wishful thinking, i dont know what to do anymore and i need alot of advice from yall to help me out with this one. Also i have a chance to go back and reapply for my old job back where MM and I met and MM still works there till this day but i dont know if i can handle seeing MM everyday of my life knowing that he couldnt even say it was over, MM just walked away and knowing that he has hurt me so much that i am still angry at him. What would you guys do? I did mention this to MM before in our last conversation about going back to the old job but MM said it was more trouble than it was worth b/c then we wouldnt be able to talk or anything, well it isnt like we are talking now so i dont feel that matters anymore. He chose the easy way out, not me and no i dont wont to go back to my old job so i can see him, i really do miss the job i had and some of the people i worked for plus the paycheck but i dont know if i am strong enough to face him knowing deep down inside i just want to slap the crap out of him but i know i will have to put that behind me and act like i dont even know him even though i spent a year with MM. Thanks for letting me vent and i will be looking forward to some suggestions or advice. Have a nice day
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-05-2004
Sat, 05-01-2004 - 3:12am
I have these same kind of things happen to me everyday too. I know it seems alittle bewitching. I believe in destiny, I believe that some people fight what is supose to be. I know I feel obsessed sometimes when this stuff happens. Thinking maybe it is just my wishful thinking. But actually these things are happening. There cannot be an ending when they just walk away. You have to have an ending to your love story. If he won't give you one, push for one! Good or bad, at leaset you can deal with what is real. The pain of not knowing for sure how he feels about you is too much to bare forever. He is weak and scared of hurting your feelings. He thinks if he just walks away you will begin to hate him. I know this because my MM told me this! Mine has such low self-esteem right now that he feels he doesn't deserve my love. That is crazy, but true. There has to be some way to get ahold of him and end your hurt.

you are not alone, I have cried a river of tears lately. hugs!
iVillage Member
Registered: 08-29-2003
Sun, 05-02-2004 - 1:20am
Thank you trouble for your input, i really appreciate it. Ok, last time i chatted with MM, i asked him where do i stand with him and he said "good", The conversation that day went from talking about general stuff, sexual stuff into the relationship stuff. MM and I were seeing each other for a year and he never said he loves me until that day, i just saw those words pop up on the screen and i was shocked, i asked him if he truly loved me and he said "yes" that has been a month and a half ago and i havent heard anything from him at all since then. I know i deserve at least a goodbye from him and i honestly didnt think he was the walk away type without giving a proper goodbye. As in he is scared and scared to hurt my feelings, well he has hurt me not just my feelings, i gave him all i had and even risked everything just to be with him but i guess it wasnt good enough. I have tried calling him and he wont answer his phone, left IM's and he wont reply back to me, I dont know what kinda childish games he thinks he is playing with me but i dont have the time nor the energy to deal with it. The way MM left me and the relationship i feel i could have some hatred for him, he isnt the one staying up at nite crying into his pillow like i am and having all these consequences and memories haunt him everyday. I am tired of hurting and i am trying my best to let go and move on but something whether it's fate or whatever wont let me. I have been thinking for awhile to go back to my old job where mm and i met and he still works there but i dont know. I dont know if i could face him knowing he has taken my heart and broke it into a millions of pieces. I really need help on this issue. I have talked to my H about going back and yes he knows about MM except he doesnt know MM still works there and i am not going to tell him but he said if it will make me happy then i have his support. I dont wont my old job back just to see MM, i dont care if i ever see MM again. If he wants to act immature and not have the balls to tell me it's over then i dont need him, anyways, thanks for listening to my venting, i just need someone to talk to and i have noone i can confide in except you guys on the board. I hope everyone has a good week coming up and take care.
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:16am
I would like to know, how can you force them to give you an answer to what happened between you? I haven't heard from MM for a few weeks now. Last time we talked everything was good, we were talking about getting together the next week. Then .... nothing.

I have tried to get him but haven't heard anything back. Now I'm just waiting. I can't demand any explanation, how can I when I can't contact him?

I don't know if he's going thru a guilty phase right now, or busy or what. I can't believe he never wants to see me again, but maybe that is what's happening. I would like to know, but I can't get any answers. Its hard to live with that. I hope I do hear from him again, at least I can voice my feelings about the way he's treated me.

Dusty

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iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 11:44am
Dusty, I am sorry. You are not going to like this, but I can't help but wonder - what in blazes makes you think that you are worth so little? You keep saying that this is a strictly sexual affair but, hon, even in a purely sexual affair there has to be some respect for your affair partner. I've been following your posts and it's very clear that everything in your affair is on his terms: you don't have any of his contact information and he contacts you and meets with you only when he feels like it. What is unclear to me is what is it exactly that you are getting out of all this that makes you put up with this kind of treatment.

Please don't take offense, hon, none was intended.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-23-2004
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 12:06pm
Hi Boston:

I do agree with you on your comments to dusty rose. Sound like

a one way "A". I also know, when you are comsumed by someone

sometimes we don't think about who is the controlling force..

the only force is what we feel for someone, and the desire is

so great, we take any little time with our MM that we can.


I know it is not right to be treated that way, but somehow

all common sense goes out the window.....when you see

or hear from them.

What are we to do, boston?


Thanks Again,

Bunny

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 05-03-2004 - 1:26pm
I appreciate your comments Boston and you are right. I don't know why I am putting up with this expect any little scrap of physical attention I get I like it. I get nothing from H, no sex, nothing physical at all (because of his drinking, the bottle is #1). I know I shouldn't be putting up with that either, but that's my lot in life. Anyways, if I hear from MM again, I am going to ask for his work phone number so I can call him. If he won't give it to me (I've given him mine in the past), then we are THROUGH. Actually though, I am thinking that I should end it anyways, because you are right, I get no respect at all from him and it only makes me feel kind of worthless and I think I am worth something. I'm feeling pretty down right now though.

Dusty
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