Am I just being selfish??
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| Wed, 12-24-2008 - 10:12am |
I'm a MW that has been seeing a SM for over a year now. I see him several times a week at his house, talk to him through IM at work and text him. I plan on getting a D soon b/c I truly love him...head over heels kind of love. My H is a really nice guy and great with the kids but the passion just isn't there and I don't think I can find it again. He feels more like a brother or a friend since we take care of the kids together.
Anyway, the reason why I've never been in a rush to be with the SM is b/c he's always around new women friends. He said that they're just friends but these girls seem to come and go quite often. Now he's met one girl that I liked as a friend but he confessed to kissing her when he "hangs out" with her. He said he hasn't slept with her and doesn't plan on it since she wants to be a virgin until she's married. Well I've never felt like I can completely trust him since he always has women around no matter where he goes. He's also an amateur photographer and has taken many half nude pics of girls for free and refuses to do any work for men. He says that it is strictly professional and is offended when I suggest otherwise.
I talk to this man all the time and he says that he's lonely and needed more companionship. I suppose I can understand that but my jealousy is just through the roof right now. He says that until I get a D he isn't going to stop hanging out with and kissing this girl.
Is he really worth it? Should I just let him go on with his life and just stay with my really nice and reliable H? The passion I have with the SM is just amazing and I hate to lose it.
I'm so confused!!

yeah, it's kind of selfish because you are married...you have someone...you cannot keep him to yourself if he cannot have you to himself
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Go with your gut instinct. It's telling you something. I would hate for you to throw away a good thing (your H) and end up being played by a player..... The reason why you're confused is because you're very insecure with this SG and by his actions, he's fueling your insecurities more instead of doing everything in his power to reassure you. That to me spell trouble.
And yes I also agree with the selfishness on your part. If you can't find it in your heart to love your H. Then you should let him go so he can find someone who will love him as he deserved to be loved.
"People spend a lifetime searching for happiness; looking for peace. They chase idle dreams, addictions, religions, even other people, hoping to fill the emptiness that plagues them. The irony is the only place they ever needed to search was within."
- Ramona L. Anderson
Agree with the rest. Yes, you are being selfish. You are having your cake and eating it, too. You can't expect this guy to just hang around waiting for you.
As for him...I find it VERY hard to believe that all he does is kiss this woman. He may not be having intercourse, probably isn't, but they just may be doing anything and everything else. Which, by the way, is his right. I don't know the guy, but I do know guys in general, and my guess is that he gets a little sumthin, sumthin whenever he wants. I would even go on to say that maybe he likes that you're married. Because then he can do whatever he wants and doesn't have to worry about REALLY having a committment with you. Sounds like a pretty nice arrangement for him. What guy wouldn't want it? Seriously.
Do what you like, but if I were you, I'd take a step back from the affair and take a real, clear look at your life and what you want. If you're unhappy in your marriage, do something about it, but before you go divorcing, you might want to try counseling. If you know for sure that there's no way for the marriage to ever work, then take some steps to end it...completely away from the affair. But in all honesty, don't expect that you'll end up with the AP for sure. Often, it just doesn't pan out that way.
I like when goddess says " he's fueling your insecurities more instead of doing everything in his power to reassure you."
" He says that until I get a D he isn't going to stop hanging out with and kissing this girl." Guess what,he is playing for sure.Agreed its an affair but if he is looking for you to leave your M for him,he has to show sincerity, trueness,dedication and security. What if you leave your H and this guy decides to stay with this girl ,where do you stand?? nowhere.
IMO, for a single guy who has many gfs and is always surrounded with women,is not a relationship material.Period.What he loves is attention.but you know what, they usually end alone ,with an emotional emptiness later in life,all messed up head.When they are done getting women like this, they need the real connection as they realize that their past was all a lie which they want to undo.They usually end up alone ,hungry for real love.believe me.
But, this guy is definately not the right guy.You are not selfish.he is making you insecure.not worth throwing a M for.Even if your H was not compatible in any way,even if your M was hell, i would still ask you to break free from this guy.
Many women stay M inspite of it being unbearable for many reasons and live in the same house as strangers ,so basically they have no connection and the other guy justifying his actions by saying that 'you have someone' is not true,kwim? You may be having just the other guy as the one with emotional connection but he too is playing with your emotions and kissing/sleeping with other girls.......nah!
Some single guys will do it behind your back,you can never know.But this one is doing in front of your very eyes!!
Good luck and take care.
You have ALL offered some great advice! Thank you so much!!
Maybe the selfish feeling is coming from the feelings of insecurity in this relationship. I'm afraid he is a player and isn't going to change. My sister has met him just as one of my friends but she felt something between us and told me that he isn't good enough for me. I will do some real soul-searching now and see what really needs to be done.
Thank you again!!!
Happy Holidays!!
I dont post here but just wanted to pop in here and give my 2 cents.I am in single man in an emotional affair for the last 20 years ( we knew each other earlier for many years as well). I was divorced and she married with kids with special needs.After lots of ups and downs,we decided to keep what we had ( have ),w/o asking what the other couldnt give.She stayed married and i remained faithful to her by not having any relation with any other woman except strict friends, no kissing etc. sex is too far ! I dont consider her cake eater.its what i wanted to be in.it was not easy to come to terms with it, but i gave-in to destiny.
I read a lot here but mostly it seems to revolve around sex.it is important for many ( it was for me as well,in my times ) but somehow , feelings won.do i miss sex? not any more.10 minutes of pleasure is not worth losing 100 mins. of emotional and spiritual peace.each to his own.
i realize that many people are judgemental on boards but i dont care.
If a guy is saying he will keep on kissing another girl,he is being very insensitive to your feelings and not serious.When i got serious with mine,i coundnt lay my eyes on anyone,still cant.but guess, times have changed and people are having more expectations.
I would just echo what others have said, this guy is a player.
Peace.
wow..you sound like a good guy...and sound like how i am with my AP,...i'm single he's M...except we have IC....but you know what..i agree with you....you have to do what YOU WANT..not someone else..feel me.....just because your AP is M doesn't mean that you have to have a lot of girlfriends..if you wanna be true to her than that's your decision...you are very
"be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind"---Dr. Seuss
Thank you SO MUCH for posting your 2 cents. You don't know how much I needed to hear that. I kept telling that that I didn't understand how he could kiss someone else if he loved me as much as he says he does. I thought I loved him too and it's going to be very difficult for me to break up with him and let him have this other girl instead of me. I know I will cry and miss him terribly! I already feel empty and depressed just thinking about it but I really do think he's a player and that I haven't been the only one he's been with. He says differently but I have a very difficult time believing that. Everytime I hang out with our group of friends I have to hear about his affairs from the past with many different women. He keeps telling me that it was many years ago before we started and he has only been with me. He also says that he has lost hope in the thought of us being together and he needs more companionship. I talk to this guy every day and do lunch with him many times a week which is really sex instead of food and I thought we were getting closer. I guess I was wrong. Grrrrrrrrrrrr. I'm so frustrated!!
Anyway, thank you so much! Your AP is a very lucky lady. ;)