Am I making up for lost time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Am I making up for lost time?
9
Sun, 10-19-2003 - 11:56pm
I'll try to make this as short as possible. I spent most of my childhood/early adulthood in a religious household: Jehovah's Witness to be precise. I was still a virgin at 21, when I finally married a religious (JW) man. 7 years later, I noticed my boss and we hit it off. I told my then religious H that I slept with my boss, and H divorced me. After marrying my boss, I returned to school. I now work in a different industry than my new H. Now, I notice that I obsess over men: both co-workers and instructors. I crave not just attentions, but affection.

Six months ago, I was involved in a very intense affair with a co-worker. He was unhappily married. I can't say i was necessarily unhappy in my marriage; just lacking in passion, "unfulfilled", and not getting the attention I craved. My co-worker fell in love with me and I ate it all up. I tried not to fall in love, but I finally did. When I did fall in love with him, it was pretty damn hard. We talked about a life together.....Not long after, his W found out and hit the roof. I think the guilt got the best of him, so he broke it off with me. He is now trying to mend his fragile marriage. Naturally, I was heartbroken.

Now, I am obsessing over an instructor. We have slept together a few times, and he's even told me he loved me. I find that I cannot get him off my mind. I want him to feed my addiction for affection, but he doesn't seem to do it like my previous MM had done. I don't understand, because this one is divorced. I think I have scared him off....

Someone please tell me what's wrong with me. Am I trying to make up for lost time by seeking all of this attention and affection? I wasn't allowed to date when I was a teenager and I couldn't have sex until after I was married. I think this is why I married in haste with my first H....can anyone analyze this and offer an idea?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-14-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 8:52am

Well....


First of all, I have to applaud you for seeing things so clearly!! I'm glad you haven't torn apart your second marriage to be with any of these guys.


I could definitely agree with you that you're making up for lost time...

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 9:19am
Thank you for your reply. I know I am not alone with this, but it certainly helps to "hear" someone else say it.

I agree that I crave the "validation" through attention and, yes, I need the physical affection, too. I also know that many people crave this, but not everyone carries out their desires.

No, my current H does not know about my activities, although I admitted once to having someone giving me attention and that I liked it. I purposely told him this, hoping it might force him to give me more affection. It seemed to work for a few weeks, but I'm still left with that "unfulfilled" feeling I had before. The sad truth I am starting to realise is: I doubt I will really feel totally fulfilled. No matter what, I fear that I will always wonder if a particular person I really admire likes me, too.......:[

My husband told me once that I was difficult to live with. I'm an intense person who expects perfection from myself. (well, obviously, morality from myself doesn't count) He said the only reason he stays with me is because he loves me. The only way he would ever decide to leave me is if he found out I had an affair. He's a good man, a good provider, and I know he loves me. He doesn't have a clue about my emotional needs. (I can barely understand my emotional needs; I don't expect anyone else to, either) I cringe at the thought of hurting him if he ever found out, but......I still have my selfish emotional needs.

You are absolutely right about the "naughtiness"...I wonder if that's the part of me that is trying to make up for lost time. I wasn't allowed to be naughty before. Now that I am, it's exciting enough to make me feel so alive....

Thank you again for input.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-29-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 1:35pm
you are sexually addicted. please get some help for yourself. look up your local chapter of Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous. you have sex for the momentary high but you it never lasts and so you seek a new partner. it's like a drug addiction, you are addicted to the temporary high affairs give you. you need therapy and support to get better. Good luck to you.

check this out...

http://www.slaafws.org/pamphlets/fortyquestions.html

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 1:56pm
I disagree. If I should admit to being sexually addicted, then you may as well add most of the population to the list of addicts.

I believe my problems lies in my lack of self-esteem. It's the affection I crave more than the actual sex.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 2:02pm
did you go to the link she provided? if you go there, then you would have a better idea what she means.

Laugh Smiles

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-19-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 2:34pm
sorry for the outburst. I was feeling a little defensive.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-06-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 4:42pm
i understand what you mean. i too feel i crave attention. my dh is good about telling me i'm pretty, etc. but i for some reason want to hear it from others.

when i talk to om online i get like this burst of happiness. but i don't know if i would actually be happy with him.

i once did something i consider harmless and that was to have webcam sex. i would never show my face or give out information about myself. in a way it helped me to get out whatever attention i felt i needed and was safer than actually having an affair.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 8:44pm
I don't know if you are 'sexually addicted' but I would guess not.

I would guess, based on your post, that you are very insecure, and you need attention from others in order to feel good about yourself. And you need the excitement and 'danger' of affairs to feel alive and cherished and loved.

I think it might help you to seek some individual counseling and get to the root of the self-esteem issues. People who have affair after affair often lack self-confidence. To some extent that may be true of all of us here, but perhaps more true in the case of people who jump from affair to affair in order to feel fulfilled. You need to find the fulfillment inside yourself - no one else can give it to you - that is why you aren't finding what you're looking for.

My opinion, and good luck to you.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Mon, 10-20-2003 - 8:52pm
After clicking on that link, I think maybe I just said the same thing, more or less - seeking out sexual (and other) attention from people in order to feel good about yourself. Perhaps it was the presentation and/or the 'label' that bothered you (the label might have bothered me too, in your shoes, so don't feel bad for feeling a bit defensive). But again, I think that many of us here might fit that mold, to some extent at least, too.