Am I making a mistake?

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Am I making a mistake?
15
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 8:38am
I'm giving some serious thought about ending my A. This has nothing to do with guilt, but more to do with projecting what has happened in my miserable marriage onto my MM.

IT was two weeks ago this weekend since things have become intimate. That following week, we made tentive plans about having lunch on Friday. Tuesday MM called and said he and his staff have to work on a deal for a potentially huge account. He mentioned they were thinking about going after this account before. He called again Friday and said he was tired, was hacking and said he though he was coming down with something, but wanted to let me know what a wonderful he had the past weekend, and hoped we could slip in a lunch this week. Yesterday he called and said he was at home, with strep throat and didn't think he could make lunch this week. Next week is out since he and his family are flying to visit his folks for thanksgiving.

So in my mind I'm thinking about how many times I have been stood up by my husband; saying he would meet me for lunch, only to get a call on my cell after I have arrived at the restaurant saying something came up and he can't make it. I try to keep things in perspective, but I'm sitting here feeling hurt, like "well here we go again....I'm suppose to be at his beck and call."

Am I letting my emotions get the best of me, or is there something that is going on here. One thing I do know, I would rather end things now, before I have too much emotional invested.

Your honest feedback is most welcome.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 05-21-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:24am
I love my MM and the A. I have told myself that if anything happens in the A to bring me any heartache I'm out. I have enough problems at home that any in the A would be to much to tolerate. Do you think he's being totally honest?
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:39am
Morning life

I went through this a lot in the beginning stages of my A; feeling hurt, and a little rejected when he would have to cancel. Unfortunately, I think it just comes with this type of relationship. Then I relaxed a little, and with the help of taking the important step of communicating more with my MM, I realized there was nothing to worry about and he wasn't rejecting me. My MM still does it, and sometimes I have to cancel too. Just relax a little and realize he's juggling a lot.

I'll also tell you that at least for me, the intensity between us goes in waves, and I think it's because after spending time with me (along with the build up of excitement and preoccupation that proceeds our 'meeting') he just needs a break to regroup. I've found that I sometimes need that now too. Just relax a little, and I'll bet that you'll find the peaks and valleys of the emotional rollercoaster will level out a bit soon!!

Hope that helps,

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:40am
I'm with you, I have enough I have to deal with when it comes to my M, I don't need it in an A too.

I would like to think he is being honest. He discussed this account several weeks ago, saying they really need this account to make up for the accounts they have lost. He did sound tired and sick when I talked to him. Sure you can fake a cough, but this was "loose" cough, not easy to fake.

I just really don't know what to think at this point.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:47am
Thanks Charlotte, that's what I'm trying to tell myself. Trying very hard to stay positive. He is an executive, his group needs this account = stress. Stress = getting sick. So between the job stress, getting sick, trying to get ready for this trip to see family, his time is limited. If all these things are true, the last thing he needs is me acting like a shrew and demanding his limited time.

But as I said in the first post, have these "issues" with my H, and do not want to be an after thought again.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:50am
hey life, what is your gut telling you? do you feel MM is blowing you off, for whatever reason, or just too busy and distracted?? you know him best. but in my experience, usually what the man says, is what the man means. men are really not devious, but mostly clueless. maybe MM is just very busy trying to get that account. and now the holidays are coming up and there will be short work weeks and lots of social activities, so MM will have less time for extracurricular activities with you, and so will you, i might add.

if it hurts, end it. but try to have a little patience and see what happens in the next few weeks, after thanksgiving. you don't need to cut and run just because MM tells you "no" one time. but if that "no" keeps happening, then it's time to call it a day on the A.

and we women are way more emotionally invested than the men in our lives. you don't have to wait around for anyone, but sometimes life is complicated and the logistics of getting together means juggling yours, his, the children's, and/or work schedules and it's difficult to always work it out so you can get together.

try to be a little patient and keep busy with the rest of your life. see what happens.

good luck,
gurl




Edited 2/17/2004 3:34:33 PM ET by gurlfriend50
Avatar for stillwingy
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 9:57am
Ok- I had to respond cause we just went through this very thing last week. My MM has been stressing big time with work issues that I also know are truly going on. We had a wonderful time and then suddenly we haven't seen each other in 2 weeks. And all I can think about is the holiday coming up which means more time we will have to spend away! Pretty much lost it with him but he has been incredibly understanding and I finally realized I was projecting so many of my insecurities from past on to him and that he is in a situation where he can't just come and go as he pleases. He's doing everything in his power to take care of things right now so that when we do get together everything will be right. I did explain all of this to him tho- luckily we are practically the same person so anything I say he recognizes in himself. I just told him he needs to try a little harder for me during these rough spells and I'll do the same. No worries life- this will pass just like everything else on this rollercoaster. Give your guy a break, but let him know how you feel. He'll probably really appreciate it in the long run!
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 10:00am
gurl...I always absolutely love reading your posts. I always LOL!!

Today these got me:

"men are really not devious, but mostly clueless."

"you don't need to cut and run just because MM tells you "no" one time."

You are so wise and always tell it like it is!


life...

gurl is right, I believe too that usually "what the man says, is what the man means." Men are such simple creatures! Also, I want you to know that I didn't mean to demean anything you've said or make light of your situation by quoting the above -- I do know how emotionally gut-wrenching all this can be.

Hang in there,

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 10:21am
gee charlotte, thanks for enjoying me telling it like i feel! that's always been my problem, "saying what i think" but i've really gotten much better in the "way" i express my thoughts -- haven't put my foot (or sometimes, both feet!! lol) in my mouth lately.

life, here's one direct quote, from a famous man, that i just read this morning during my commute:

"women read into the smallest actions, when we mean nothing by them. there's no mythology behind my moving the bread basket over to your side of the table. sometimes a cigar's just a cigar." from john cusack in cosmo.

in other words, guys say what they mean and we women look for a deeper meaning that isn't there!!


it will work out. have faith!

gurl

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-24-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 11:13am
God, I love you girls! You are all correct. Why would he lie? He pursued me, if he wanted to end things, I don't think he would keep calling and making resonable excuses. This is a man after all, and they can't multi-task!

Gosh! The next time I start thinking like this, I will have to say to myself, "Run Forest, Run!!!"

I need a drink. What time does the bar open.....I'm buying the first round.

Hugs to all

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Thu, 11-20-2003 - 11:16am
YES!! she gets it!!!!!!!!!!

cheers to all,
gurl




Edited 2/17/2004 3:35:51 PM ET by gurlfriend50

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