Am I making the right decision?
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Am I making the right decision?
| Sat, 09-13-2008 - 1:23am |
I am a single women in a affair w/ a married man. He is leaving his wife in December before the holidays. Our biggest problem is he has such a hectic schedule that I don't get to see him very often. I do say that I suspect that if he tried a little harder we could see each other more, but he swears his undying love for me I don't know if I believe him anymore. This is our second time together, and we have a six year old son together.
My problem is that I am putting 110% into the relationship, and he is putting in about 20%-25%. His wife is the least of my troubles, they hate each other. The problem is him. What I want to know is after we got back together a year ago, I agreed that I would remain faithful to him even though he couldn't fully commit to me. 9 months later I find that despite working full time, and going to school full time, I'm always waiting for him to call or come over. So after his last no call, no show I decided that I wanted to be able to see other people until he was in his own place, then I would be monogamous w/ just him. Am I being selfish? He went into shock, and has been very distant. Was it too late for me to say that I wanted to see other people until he moves, after I had promised to be w/ just him. I feel like my life revolves around waiting to see him. Which in most cases never happens. Can I realistically expect to see other people w/o repercussions? PLEASE ANY help would be most appreciated.
My problem is that I am putting 110% into the relationship, and he is putting in about 20%-25%. His wife is the least of my troubles, they hate each other. The problem is him. What I want to know is after we got back together a year ago, I agreed that I would remain faithful to him even though he couldn't fully commit to me. 9 months later I find that despite working full time, and going to school full time, I'm always waiting for him to call or come over. So after his last no call, no show I decided that I wanted to be able to see other people until he was in his own place, then I would be monogamous w/ just him. Am I being selfish? He went into shock, and has been very distant. Was it too late for me to say that I wanted to see other people until he moves, after I had promised to be w/ just him. I feel like my life revolves around waiting to see him. Which in most cases never happens. Can I realistically expect to see other people w/o repercussions? PLEASE ANY help would be most appreciated.

Justice, he might be reacting badly because he thinks you're "changing the rules" in an effort to "blackmail" him into giving you more time/attention. It might seem out of the blue to him, to have you suddenly say you want to see other people.
I don't think you're being selfish at all, but honestly? I think you should think about ending this R. If it's like this NOW, when you're not really together and you should both still be in somewhat of a fog (you don't deal with real life together yet - not so much anyway if you don't live together), what's it going to be like later when real life intrudes, and you have to discuss all the annoying everyday things that go on? If you're giving 110% and he's giving 20%, I don't think that's ever going to change.
Maybe he was the same way with his wife and that's why they don't get along. She got tired of it. She's probably one of those spouses who says "she can have him!" while gleefully planning her future without him. LOL!
No I don't think you can see other people without "repercussions", but those repercussions might be good ones. It will move you away from him and show you there are other people out there who might actually appreciate you.
Who wants to be chasing after someone for every crumb of attention they might throw your way! Don't you deserve more?
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
You were also right on target about the jumping for every little crumb of attention thing. I try to stay made when there is NC for like 3-4 days, but by the time he calls I am so glad to hear from him, and miss him so much that I don't want to waste time arguing. I love him so much, but I can't be neglected like this. I don't understand why I put up w/ his sh*it. I have NEVER taken ANY crap from a guy before. I broke up w/ one guy just because he made me late for work, but w/ Jon I have no sense of self preservation.
You were also right about how this is suppose to be the fun time, you know like a honeymoon. I can't imagine what he will be like when we live together.
Thank you for taking the time to respond, I needed someone else's opinion really bad.
I'm sorry it took so long for you to get a response - it tends to get slower here on the weekend! If you keep checking there may be some other great responses coming.
I think you have a lot of insight into your relationship here already. It's just a matter of what you want to do about it, or what you CAN do.
Welcome to MAS! :-)
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
Hi Justice.
I am ashamed to say that I think I just said that because as you said I wanted to light a fire under his butt. Bad move huh? Now he is more distant than ever. I guess it's time for damage control.
You asked me how it was the first time we were together, and why we stop seeing each other. Well he was wonderful the first time. Attentive, loving, thoughtful, but he came out told his wife almost immediately, so there was no pressure on him. I didn't find out I was pregnant until they were back together.
See she has accepted our son as her own. She treats him very well, so I have a lot of respect for her, so this time I told him I didn't want her to get hurt at any cost. So he is kind of slow walking her until December.
We broke up the first time because I had developed a addiction to pain killers, and my behavior was reprehensible. I couldn't see it then, but looking back I was a mess. I had entered treatment two weeks before I found out I was pregnant.
I am definitely going to remain unavailable for a while, but he is more patient then I am. I give before him, and he knows it, but I guess I will have to be extra strong. It's going to be a long couple of weeks.
Thank you again for your advise. It's just what I needed to hear.
Hi Justice - thank you for elaborating, it helps to understand why.
Honestly, to me, it sounds like you are on track to a happy life with your guy, a happy family.