Am I the only one who does this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-28-2003
Am I the only one who does this?
6
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 1:46pm
I've noticed that when I'm with OM and he asks me about problems in my M (we share just about everything with each other), I'll almost exaggerate them or act like I would rather be with him than H. Meanwhile, when I'm with H, I'm very lovey-dovey and act like he's the only one for me. It's almost like I'm double sided and I don't like that I lead each man on to believe a different thing. I don't know why I do this but now that I've realized that I do, it bothers me quite a lot. Does anyone else ever feel like they're doing this? What can be done?
iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 1:51pm
I think it's natural to want to be the woman they want you to be. I know you feel deceptive, but it sounds to me like you're the one in control of your life and your emotions and that's a great place to be. Of course, I don't know your history here...all I'm going on is what you're saying. Seems to me the only way an A ever works is if a person can be happy in both her lives. But yes, I do exactly what you do to a certain degree. I talk down my marriage with my MM, making him believe things aren't as good as they actually are. I might exaggerate a little on the negatives. Isn't that only natural?
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 2:30pm
I dont talk my marriage down at all with my OM, nor do I talk it up...I just almost pretend like it doesnt exist. I mention my DH and my life with him very little and only when he is directly linked to what is going on in my life or the situation that I am discussing. I dont refrain from saying "we", speaking of my DH and I. I dont discuss problems we have particularily our disagreements. My OM on the other hand doesnt talk up his relationship but he does talk it down to me. Realistically 9 out of 10 times I think he's the one who is wrong and often I tell him ways he may be able to remedy the situation. Whether he goes home and applies it, I dont know. I dont mind helping him talk out his frustrations he has at home but my marriage and his relationship are on totally different levels and sharing my homelife with him wouldnt help his matters any.

Personally, I dont think it's good that you talk it down because you're not being true to your OM or true to yourself. Besides, the more you talk your marriage down the more likely you are to go home with a negative attitude about your marriage. I suggest you follow the golden rule that if you dont have anything nice to say, say nothing at all...

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 3:43pm
Just be real. Don't exaggerate when you tell OM how things are at home, and don't act more lovey dovey with H when you are with him. Just be the way you FEEL, not the way you think youre supposed to be "acting".
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-29-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 4:19pm
YES! But my shrink says that I have multiple personalities! Have you been checked for that? I think we would all have to have MP's to be able to have an affair anyway! Ohmygosh, this is so hard!

Hugs,

Tinker

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-26-2003
Wed, 09-03-2003 - 5:53pm
My OM and I are actually pretty honest about our marriages, when we talk about them. Both of us want the other one to be happy in marriage...it's kind of weird, I know. I have had more problems with my husband than he has with his wife, and I have talked about it some to OM. Things are better with the H now and the OM knows that too. We both try to take the happiness we have with each other and bring it home to make life better there too.

I do think you need to be true to yourself. It is only natural for us to put on our "pleasing" personalities around those we want to impress, but you need to be true to your feelings.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2003
Thu, 09-04-2003 - 4:29pm
I hear ya! I used to go this

with OM. And then he took

that as meaning *he* could

bash my H. I have stoped, and

I think that may be one of the

reasons why OM and I seem to be

"broken up".. Argh, I just

stoped myself because hearing

OM bach my H, well it hurt..

Even though OM was telling the

truth... Argh. It's all hard.

Just try and stop yourself

from doing that... I don't know

what else to suggest. ~passion