am i REALLY screwed up?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2011
am i REALLY screwed up?
8
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 5:09am
I think I'm screwed up. H is dying to come back into my life. He says he will do anything to make me or kids happy. Part of me wants to believe him, part of me doesn't. Knowing him for over a decade and being emotionally abused for all those years, I'm afraid to accept him back. He says he is on a medication and knows his problem, but my gut feeling is telling me not to believe him.
AP on the other hand is acting weird. I am accepting his LC, and trying to have "this is just an affair" attitude. It is not helping me. As many of you know, AP has been my BFF for years. In A for over a yr. He doesn't know that my H wants to come back, I took your advice and haven't told my him. Now AP has been acting extreamly weird for the past couple of days like low labido, very LC, not himself, etc. I'm gearing more towards bringing H back. Am I stupid?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 10:20am
Tbear, we can only base our thoughts on the things you have written. Your H has been abusive - red flag. Maybe you scared him completely, maybe he can change, but it is rare for a leopard to change his spots. Do you feel he is truly doing self work?

As for AP, have you asked him what is going on? You should be close enough not to fear asking him and what do you have to loose in asking? Right now, its not making you happy and meeting your needs.

My last thought is for you Tbear, this is not meant as harsh in any manner, just food for thought. Do you feel you need either of these men in your life? Would you, could you feel complete without one of them? I just wonder if you are basing your value on having "A Man" in your life.

Hugs, Tbear!!
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2011
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 11:49am
Thank you so much Sunny. I really don't think H has changed for good. He misses his convienience, that's why he wants to come back. He has always been a very selfish person.
As far as asking my AP about things, i am very close to him, but I do fear that we will fight. He gets really upset and "annoyed" as he says when I ask him about "us".
Thank you for asking that if I need either of these men in my life. Never gave it a deep thought, now as I think I don't need them to complete my life. It just so happened that AP has been there the whole time. My R with H was coming to an end after opening up to my good friends about the mental torture I was in. All that happened so quick, before I even know it that it has been over a year.
After being here on IV for a few months I have gotton a very unusual strength about a lot of things. I have been trying to stay positive, but every once in a while I get drawn back to the negatives.....
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-03-2007
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 2:30pm
Mental torture is the worst .Why you ask ? Because its very difficult to explain to someone and most of all its extrememly difficult to find someone in real life who will listen to you , be there for you and support w/o saying that its all in your mind ! How worse could it be when you cant tell anyone w/o being labeled a nut case !
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2011
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 5:08pm
Just a few months ago I thought I wasn't going to be able to end this A, now for the past few days, I think I CAN. Not like I want to end this A, cause I still love my AP very much. He is a good person, a wonderful person, yes with flaws, lots of them.
I heard him talking to his W on the phone, (I walked out of the office before he saw me).. The same way he talks to me, so sweet and calm voice. I didn't get jealous, but I felt horrible. She has no idea what this guy is doing. And here I am, another woman head over heels in love with him, knowing how he is, still think he is a wonderful person?
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-26-2010
Sun, 03-11-2012 - 9:10pm
Tbear, the problem with falling in love during an affair, is that there is no where for it to go. We all want our efforts to show progress, but what real progress can we get from an affair? Oh boy, I got to be with AP twice this week, but this weekend I don't. Love is love, but it does hurt when there is no where for it to go. As for your AP being a good guy or wonderful person, he is, he is just like any of us who got caught up in an affair. Granted there are users out there and in a sense we are or have been too, but not every one in an affair is a bad person, an abuser or a narcasist (sp?)
Enjoy what you have for as long as it makes you happy, but when the pain out weighs the good, then it is time to cut the ties. It is OK to put yourself first and take care of yourself. Your H is who he is and your not responsible for him.
~Sunny~
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2010
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 12:34am

I agree with what sunny is saying.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-17-2003
Mon, 03-12-2012 - 10:59am
jane, you are a pretty smart chick. I feel EXACTLY like you do.

Apologies for the hijack!
iVillage Member
Registered: 12-27-2011
Thu, 03-15-2012 - 9:38am
Sunny thanks again and jj you are awesome. It is true it feels sooooo empty from time to time, when kids are not with me especially. I think like how much fun kids are having minus me, how much fun AP is having minus me.
Like I have said things have slowed down pretty much with AP, I don't think I should be continuing with him. I need more than "baby I'm so much in love with you just because I don't call or come see you, that doesn't mean anything is different". See that's what he says 100% of the time and can't argue with him. He sees me when he wants to see me, not when I want to see him (I have really realized that a big time). So all these emotional connection and $h!t was probably all fake, cause he says what I want to hear. It is true he is a good listener, but now we have wayy passed that stage.
My H on the other hadn, yes is wanting to come back, begging and pleading, yet wouldn't let me finish a sentence. Gets mad quickly, and hangs up on me. Wouldn't want to talk to me in person. Always makes excuses, yet he wants to "work it out".
Neither of them I think is a bad person, just not good for me?