Am I wasting my time?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Am I wasting my time?
7
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:22pm
I'm confused right now. Let me briefly summarize my situation. MM is a coworker I see on a daily basis. We've been FWB for about 4 months now. His W is 7 months pregnant. I have very strong feelings for MM and wished we could have a future together. Friday I sent MM a email (which he read today) telling him that this A is hard for me sometimes b/c I care so much about him. On Thurs. there was a baby shower at work for him and W and she came in. I told him it made me feel guilty to see her b/c I like her and did not want to hurt her. I also told him that I felt sad seeing her b/c it made me realize how I would never get to share the things with him that she got to share with him. I guess I was envious too. As the baby's birth gets closer, he talks a little more about it and appears to be getting a little excited about it, which I don't blame him. I told him the hardest part for me was that I can't talk to him when I want to, can't spend time with him when I want to, can't touch him when I want to. I told him I realized that my feelings for him have always been deeper than his feelings for me.

Anyways, I was hoping to get a response, something like "I really care about you too. I want a future with you too, but I can't right now." Something, anything to indicate that he cared about me more than just for the sex, but he didn't email me back. We talked at work like normal. We even fooled around in the afternoon and he said to me that he was scared everytime we did because he was scared I would get pregnant. I'm on the pill but we don't use anything else. I'm not as scared about getting pregnant and I told him already I would never have an abortion, part of the reason he's scared. I also told him I wouldn't tell him I was pregnant b/c I wouldn't want a part-time father for my child, a father who doesn't even want a child to begin with. I know my life would changed drastically. I would end my M and leave my job, but I have already thought about the consequences and am willing to deal with that. Afterwards I asked him if he was so scared, than why did he do it. His answer, "I don't know why I do it. Maybe we shouldn't do it anymore." That's it.

So folks, I ask you again "AM I WASTING MY TIME??" I think this wouldn't be so hard if he told me he cared about me, b/c I'm on the verge of falling in love. Last week he told me he was indifferent to his W and he felt trapped in a relationship that was superficial. He stated that there was something deeper missing. Then what is he doing with me? Is he just having sex with me for the fun of it b/c he said he barely touches her anymore, or does he have feelings for me and really care about me. If he cared about me I could feel better about this A, instead of sometimes feelings like a slut, an always available slut. I feel like I put myself out there expressing my feelings to him and I'm not getting anything back and what's even more scary is what if he really doesn't have feelings for me and is just using me for the sex. I would be so devastated. He is only the second man I've been with, so it means a lot to me to give my body to him, a glimpse of my heart and soul...I'm so confused...

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:29pm
Confused you must be crazy to be on the verge of falling in love with this MM. I don't think you should compete with the wife to get pregnant just because its going to get you some attention from him. That is really pathetic. No wonder he is scared stiff to have sex with you!! I don't blame him. You have kids when you are ready for them not because everybody is having them!! If your feelings have been deeper than his why the he** do you cling to him. Go find your own man, get pregnant and happily raise a family. jmho
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 9:38pm
Hey funnyface, you misunderstand me. I don't want to get pregnant by him. I said if I did, I could deal with the consequences, but I am not ready to get pregnant and definitely not by him. I know I'm far from ready and getting pregnant by MM would only complicate things, but I said I could deal with the consequences of it if that was what happened. These are things one should think about if one if having an A where the possiblity of pregnancy is there, don't you think?

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 11-19-2003
Mon, 04-05-2004 - 10:40pm
Yea there is a possibility but if you are on pills and take them regularly, they are very much failure proof. And it is your reponsibility that you don't take antibiotics and have sex during that cycle with out a backup method. There are always contraceptive, but if you are obsessed with pregnancy that is what you will get - pregnant.


Edited 4/5/2004 10:43 pm ET ET by funnyface03
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 12:12am
Regardless of whether or not you are on the pill, this is an affair. You don't know what else he might be doing, and honestly, he doesn't know what else you might be doing. Use condoms in addition to your BC -- one can never be too safe!
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-15-2003
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 5:31am
Are you wasting your time? If what you're hoping for is a long-term, fully committed relationship with this man then yes, I'd say you are most certainly wasting your time. He's married! He's not available for such a relationship at this time. However, if you enjoy the relationship as it is and take the attitude that it will go in whatever direction it goes in as the relationship changes and grows, in the future, then maybe you're not wasting your time. But it sounds like you want some sort of guarantee now, that a fully committed relatoinship is where it's headed. And it's not, is it? Hell, it's ONLY been 4 months! Most people in a normal relationship wouldn't be thinking full commitment after only 4 months. And given that his wife is 7 months pregnant, I'd be very suspicious about his motives in seeking out a sexual relationship with someone else.

Obviously the guy likes you and enjoys your company. But does he love you? I don't think so. And I think you know that. Many males carry on sexual relationships with women who's company they enjoy without ever being 'in love' with them or even thinking in terms of a fully committed relationship. While for you (as it is for many women) feelings of love may be necessary before you engage in sexual activity with someone, don't project that onto the man you're sharing that sexual relationship with. Sex does not equal love to most men - even if they carry on that sexual relationship for an extended period of time.

Now stop for a moment and think about what could be going through this guy's mind. You're coming on all heavy and telling him that you're sad that you can't share those things with him that his wife is. And the biggest of those things at the moment is a pregnancy. You're on the pill...so big deal! Don't you think it might have crossed his mind that maybe you'd 'forget' to take it so you could have what his wife has? No wonder at all that he's afraid to continue your sexual relationship because that possibility.

IBC, you really, really, really, need to either use some additional method of birth control or ensure you don't engage in sexual activity with him during the fertile phase of your cycle. Even though you may be prepared to deal with the consequences, it's incredibly stupid to tempt fate. And you're not the only one for whom there would be consequences in such an event. Even if you went away and didn't tell him of the pregnancy, there'd still be the consequence of him having a child he knew nothing about. And what about the consequences for the potential child?

>>He stated that there was something deeper missing. Then what is he doing with me?>>

Honey, sex does not constitute 'something deeper' - and you need to stop thinking it does.

>>Is he just having sex with me for the fun of it b/c he said he barely touches her anymore,>>

Very possibly so.

>>or does he have feelings for me and really care about me.>>

Only he can answer that question. But when we do really care about someone, and love them, then it's human nature to want to tell the object of our affection that. The fact that he hasn't told you that, despite all your prompting, should tell you something. I don't doubt that he likes you and cares about you as a friend - but based on what you've said here, then no, there's no evidence that this man loves you or is even thinking of a fully committed relationship with you. I mean, has he ever talked about getting out of his marriage? Not to be with you, but for himself because he feels there's 'something deeper' missing?

IBC, do yourself the biggest favour of your life and end this relationship now - because it's obvious that you want more than your relationship with this man can ever give you. You deserve to at least be in a relationship with someone who's on the same page as you - and this man clearly isn't.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:02am
Hi Fire, thanks for the reply. It made a lot of sense and I think I knew all of what you told me, but was afraid to confront it. It's hard to care for someone so deeply and not have those same feelings returned. As far as the pregnancy issue is concerned, I don't want to get pregnant. I'm very vigilant about taking the pill. When I said I would never get to share things with him like she does I meant that she gets to wake up next to him each morning, and they get to do the simple things that couples do, like go to the movie, go on vacation, meet each other's families, share intimate meals etc. That's what I meant by I would never get to share those things with him.

You're right, in order for me to be in a physical relationship with someone, I do need to really care about them. Like I said he's the second man I've ever been with. I know that he's had many more partners than that and I know guys don't equate sex with love. MM did tell me that he wanted to get out of his relationship with his W before he found out she was pregnant. He thinks she trapped him, because then he felt obligated to marry her. I don't know why we started the A when we did, she was 3 months pregnant at the time. We were good friends before the A and we never even flirted. Then one day we did and discovered we were both very attracted to each other. It moved quickly from there. In the beginning he would tell me that he had feelings for me and I tried to end the A early on but he didn't want to, but then he would be hot and cold. It finally seemed like he stopped fighting it and decided to "let things run it's course." whatever that means.

I've thought about ending the A a couple of times because I know I'm getting in deep with my feelings and he's not feeling the same and who knows if he will ever be, but it is so hard, so very hard. I think for now I will lay low and back off. Thanks again for listening and for the advice. Sometimes, even though I don't want to hear what is being said, the reality of the situation is there and you and the others on the board help point that out to me and make me acknowledge the reality of the situation. The problem is taking action...

ibc

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2004
Tue, 04-06-2004 - 11:16am
I be,

Please protect yourself, emotionally and physically. There's lots worse things you can "catch" from a guy than pregnancy. I don't use condoms either, I have an IUD, how stupid are we both?

I'll start a thread on this subject, please join in.

Sky