Am I wrong for thinking this way?

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-04-2003
Am I wrong for thinking this way?
4
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 2:51am
Ok, here's my question. What would you do if your H/W, GF/BF cheated on you? Would you forgive them? Would you find it in your heart to work it out, if they wanted to? Could you find it in your heart?

My thoughts on this are that I could never get past the cheating. I couldn't no matter how much I loved the person, ever be with them again. I couldn't and wouldn't lie to either of us and say that I could forgive and move on with them. Because I know myself well enough to know I'm much too jealous to deal with the fact that they cheated. I could never let it go. Which strikes me as odd, since I'm having an A. I'm not saying that I would lash out or go nutty, just that I'd move on no matter how much I loved him. I just wouldn't put us through the impossible task of trying to work it out. Cause in the end I know deep down, it would end. Does anyone else feel that way? I wish my XH had known he couldn't get past it. Then we wouldn't have gotten M and gone through 2 years of hell, trying to convince ourselves that it would get better. How do people ever ever get through an A and come out still together? And honestly, why would you want to? I never understood why my X wanted to work things out after I cheated. I guess that should have been my red flag, along with a million other ones.

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
Wed, 12-31-2003 - 10:08am
dreamer,

I don't think its "wrong" but its a personal preference. Many a people have had an affair and have been forgiven and have gone on to lead a successful married life with their spouses. It takes a forgiving person to accept and move on once a erring spouse has committed adultery. Apparently your XH did not do that because he could not move on. I would have been hurt too, but if my H gave me enough reasons to believe that he is no longer with the XOW, I would forgive him.

juliet


Edited 12/31/2003 10:11:45 AM ET by julietsfate

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-20-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 12:01pm
Hi jdreamer96,

What interesting questions to consider!! And, no I don't think you're wrong for thinking this way. As the other poster mentioned it is a matter of perspective. However, I think it is very good that you are aware of how you feel so that if you were ever in that situation, you and your significant other wouldn't go through any unnecessary emotional trauma on trying to work something out that couldn't be worked out.

My opinion on this is one of indecision. See, as far as I know, I've never been cheated on by any of my previous boyfriends (never been married). I have, however, cheated on boyfriends, but that was usually at the very end of our relationship and I now think I put myself in these positions in order to give me a strong reason to leave. The cheating always occurred right before I broke up with the boyfriend. I always said that if I cheated on someone, I would end the relationship if the guy didn't. Of course, I also always said I wouldn't date a MM, and I screwed that one up about 7 months ago. So, it is really hard to consider what I would actually do if I were in that situation.

I hope some of the others repsond to you as it would be very interesting to read some other viewpoints, especially since we have people on this board who have been cheated on. I'd like to know why they chose to stay, or why they chose to leave.

Annika

Brightest Blessings, Annika


iVillage Member
Registered: 11-25-2003
Fri, 01-02-2004 - 1:08pm
This is a very interesting question ... If I had been asked this questions several months ago I would have said that there was no way I could forgive my husband for cheating. However, now that I am in an A myself, I feel like my answer would be different.

I think that I would be able to forgive him, just as I hope he would be able to forgive me if he ever finds out what I've been up to. I'm not sure if he would be able to though, which is one of the MANY things that makes this situation so difficult.

I guess for me I would be able to forgive him because in the case of my A I feel like it has nothing to do with my H. I know that doesn't make a whole lot of sense, but I am happily married and love my H - I have no intentions of ever leaving him. This situation with the MM just happened and I don't seem to be able to stop it. I kind of feel like right now if my H were to say he had an OW (or wanted one) I might be relieved and think - "Oh good - then it's okay for me now too." Now that sounds totally twisted in my mind and I'm sure people reading this are going to think I'm bonkers! I feel like that's a totally immoral thing to think.

I'm looking forward to reading other posts on this topic ...

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-04-2004
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 10:20pm
i dont think your bonkers, but sometimes we may feel like we have to justify what we're doing. i dont know that h has ever done anything, and i dont want to know. for several reasons i assume he has, and i know that everyone is only human. i know what im doing probably isnt worth getting caught over, but dang...all this attention :)