and he said......

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
and he said......
51
Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:34pm
Hello all.

Well, today I saw MM, so we could "talk" as he requested. I was ready to tell him that it was over and that I needed to move on with my life no matter how much I loved him. I did not anticipate what was going to happen. When I told him, he said that is what I came to talk about - you and me. He proceeded to tell me that he fully understood why I felt the way that I do and realized that he has not been the best person in my life after what he did over the last 7 months. Now, that I expected. What I didn't expect was the actual tears that came as he was telling me how much he needed me in his life and that he is going to focus on him and I rather than him and W. It is really hard for me to stick to my guns when a man is crying let alone him. He is this huge (yes, I do mean body size) man's man, you know the type. I cried through it with him. At least my eyes were already puffy from the last few days of crying over this so I don't look any worse than I already did.

He told me that he knew that it hurt because the divorce was not happening right now and how much damage he did to me and my trust by ending the relationship when W was told she was pregnant. MM went on to say that in his time away from me, because of how he felt to be away from me for so long, he knows that I am the one he is in love with and wants to be with. He apologized for not making himself clear when we talked the other day and realized that he needed to let me know exactly how much he loves me. He explained to me that yes, he loves his wife but not the kind of love that it takes to make a marriage work. That he will always love her because she did have his son even when she didn't want children and that the only reason that he ended our relationship was because he felt obligated to do what he could to make the marriage work since there was a baby on the way. Quickly he followed up with the .... "but I now know that just because she got pregnant by accident that by accident the marriage will not work and even if it could I couldn't completely put forth my best effort because of the love I feel for you." He went on to tell me everything that he is going to do to regain my trust in hopes that I will allow our relationship to move forward. He also said that once he knows that he can get custody of his youngest son and that he won't lose everything he has worked for all these years then he would be mine for good. (I thought that before our break and he broke my heart).

He also did not even try to get me into bed, which is completely out of character for him. He just put his arms around me and held me with a few kisses here and there. I feel so good when I am in his arms - and safe. Stupid but I do. I guess four years of being held by those arms became a habit that I just don't want to give up even though it looks as though I might have to :( Last week when I saw him I wondered if what we had was gone, as I posted before, but today it was so damned powerful between us I almost felt guilty for even mentioning that I thought we should end the A.

Is it all a bunch of bull? Am I just being an overly emotional person that is acting like a twit? Can a MM after this long and a pregnancy, etc. really mean all of this? Is it that he is just willing to play the game as far as he has to in order to keep me around now that he has decided, again, that I am who he wants. I expected him to say some of these things to be able to keep his cake, so to speak but everything else - no way did I expect it.

I know that gurl and FREE feel that he is manipulating me and I would love to hear the two of your's interpretation of all of this along with the others here on this board because now I am really screwed up. I am trying to figure out if they are right :(

What a nightmare! Until this A, I always had a clear vision of where I was going in my life and now, everything seems so clouded.

Thanks in advance to everyone and their input and advice.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 9:02pm
BUMP
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 10:14pm
Hello FREE and naughty,

Naughty, I didn't mean to sound accusatory about the family values issue. I merely wanted for you to know that I didn't set out to destroy his family or break up his marriage. I apologize if it came across in a negative way.

I know what you are saying about being torn in two directions and no matter what direction he chooses having people come down on him about it. Yes, that would happen and a lot of people would be affected. Can I accept what I am getting now? No, that is what has brought all of this on - because I am far too emotionally involved with this MM to be able to just "be there" when he wants me to and to not expect anything more.

As for finding someone else that can recipricate the love that I give - I don't want someone else, I don't have time for someone else. I have so much on my plate now that if the A was just now starting - I wouldn't be in it. It is just very difficult to give up something that was so solid and strong for 4+ years that when he came back almost 8 months later my love for him had not waivered or weakened and it still hasn't but that isn't what matters anymore.

Free, thank you for your very kind words. It made me feel a ton better to know that you didn't feel I was one of the immature high school types. I would be pleased to call you friend too and appreciate that you have taken the time to invest in me as you have. You are very wise and articulate your thoughts in a way that differs from anyone else here.

Don't worry about the M and kids aspect - it is all very confusing when trying to put the whole thing together since all of us know one another's children, etc. Funny though, I have yet to actually see the baby. I don't want to either - selfish, I know but the baby really is something I have not completely come to terms with yet because of everything that happened. The day he told me he was on his knees begging me to forgive him for he knew that it would forever change things and spewing every possible thing about how much he loved me but didn't want to put my life on hold while he took care of his responsibilities and that the decision was because he felt it was the right thing to do for him but he loved me with every bit of his heart, etc. BLAH BLAH BLAH. That day was worse than the day my childrens' father knocked to total crap out of me and the law finally decided that they would arrest him. How sick is that?!?

I don't know that he will come crawling back or not. I did not actually say the words its over but everything I said surely were not things that I should have said. I admit that I lost it - the last thing he said was I am sorry you feel that way but I love you no matter how you are feeling at the moment. I told him where he could put the love for me and that he should go play with his XXXX of a wife since she was his preference and hung up. That was close to the nicest thing I said to him and I am feeling really badly about it. I let myself go to the W's level mentality and I feel ill.

Sometimes it feels like I am in some competition for him. Not because he makes me feel that way but I know what the W is like and I can't understand what makes her so much better than I am. Wrong way to think? You bet it is. Conceited of me to think I am better - Yes, very much so. But in the end, it is me that is going to bed alone and no matter what she treats him like, he is still there. Talk about a slam to my ego (I am probably more ego bound than most men as much as I hate to admit it). I have however entertained the idea of me being the catalyst to making his M bearable and that it makes it possible for him to remain in his M. I have even, in the past, asked him if that is what I was - a filler for what he doesn't get at home. His response, at least the last time I asked which was just last week, was No,you aren't just a filler because I am in love with you - you are the most wonderful woman God has ever blessed me with in my life. The reasons that I stay have nothing to do with her (w) and everything to do with what I felt was the right decision. What a crock of bull huh? I thought anyone that felt the kind of love he says he feels for me would be scrambling to make it permanent but I was not the "right" decision I guess.

Anyway, I will apologize now for how all of this sounds because I am not in a very good frame of mind right now. The last few days have taken their toll and I am not able to think clearly any longer and for that I am sorry. I don't want to seem ungrateful for your time and sincere thoughts because I do truly appreciate them.

Confused





iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Fri, 01-16-2004 - 11:10pm
HI Again Confused

I think that the fact that you have not wanted to see the baby is normal, way would you it would just be a trigger for bad feelings.

Wise and articulate, now those are two words that have never been used to discribe me, now some words have been used but there not very polite so I will not repeat them.

Your reactions to all this busness have been normal, if there is a normal in this situation.

MM was right about not wanting to put your life on hold, to bad he did'nt just leave it there.

I am going to have a new motto ACCEPT NO BLAH BLAH BLAH.

Physical pain cannot hold a candle to the pain you can feel on the inside BTDT.

His wife has been deeply hurt in her life and ended up the way she is, you have all so been deeply hurt but have mostly managed to rise above it, you have to accept at times anyone can be pushed to far even you.

""" you are the most wonderful woman God has ever blessed me with in my life."""

He had better hope God doe not take issue with this statement, it would be a very short fight.

Your not in competition with his wife for him, one thing I know for sure is that when you are in a Affair (being the married person)is that it is always about "ME"(M/P), what I want/need/desire/feel, this was never really about you or his wife, if there is a competition it's between him and you to decide if your want/need/desire/feel get equal treatment.

Did he attempt to address any of your e-mail questions before getting his lumps???

But enough you supposed to be getting some rest.





FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 3:11am
Hi FREE,

Yes, I agree that seeing the baby would just trigger bad feelings. Especially since when he told me about it, I offered to help raise the baby as my own before he dropped his bombshell on me. I guess I figure now there is no sense in me caring about the baby even if it is a part of him because he made it clear he didn't want me to care or to be a part of its life. (And I am the woman he supposedly is in love with YEAH RIGHT!)

I am glad you think I am reacting normal because absolutely nothing feels normal, right or even in sync at the moment.

LOL@ your motto to not accept any BLAH BLAH BLAH. It is a very good motto, one I hope to be exercising - God give me strength.

Yes, I guess I have been pushed too far but that is no excuse for me to just fly off the handle and say the things that I did. As for your question about the email - no he didn't answer, I didn't give him a chance when we were on the phone either. I asked him why it was so important to come up with excuses to not answer my questions when he could just answer them and be done with it. He started with "but I haven't" and that is when I lost it. Initially I went off about his overuse of excuses in the last several months for any of what he has done to me and my life. He actually said - but sweetheart some things change and we don't always get what we want. That pissed me off even more. From there, the conversation went from bad to worse and I believe I made up a few words that probably compare to the names that you felt you shouldn't repeat on this board (all of which I have been called myself a time or two :). I told him exactly what I thought of his wife in no uncertain terms and what I thought of him and the fact that he is enough of a loser that he cannot take the initiative to back up any of what he says... that a man is only as good as his word and his word is....... And I went off about what I thought about his BS to make me think he was ever going to leave when he doesn't have the balls to do it. He tried to tell me to slow down - I sped up even more and my mouth was flying. I haven't told anyone off like that in years and wish I hadn't now. I did not carry myself with any dignity and that bothers me. As I said before, I feel like I slumped down to the Ws level and that disgusts me. I am far better than that or her for that fact.

I know that I am not in competition with his wife but I can't help but wonder what he sees in her ESPECIALLY knowing what I know personally, what others think and feel about her and the things he says about her - it is all very consistent and not good. And to choose to stay with her when he could be somewhere else and be happy and get the things he needs from a relationship? What does that really make me worth? I mean really, doesn't say a whole hell of a lot about me as a person if someone would rather be around someone like that than around me, especially after all these years, promises, etc. What kind of loser does that make me in the end when the rose colored glasses come off and I have to realize that what I had to offer wasn't good enough. Why would a person stay where they are not wanted? He is nothing more than a paycheck at this point for her. She doesn't make love to him, show him any kind of affection - if she did he wouldn't have felt the need to want me back in his life after that baby was born considering our R ended so he could work on his M. ARGH - I am really quite livid about it right now, just thinking that ANY man would rather be with her than me makes me want to.... (thinking stupid things and will not type them). Do I sound conceited or what?!!!!

Oh well, I took a bunch of junk to help me sleep and instead of sitting here feeding my own fury and pain I think I am just going to go cry and let it work its magic. I just hope that it works at least a little bit because I need a few hours of sleep right now so that maybe I am not so scuzzy feeling. Anyway - enough of my psychotic brainwaves having something to say - I am shutting them down for the night.

Thanks FREE and have a great day!



iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 9:22am
HI Confused

Here is hopeing you got some sleep.

I think you need to bring this to a conclusion one way are another sone period it is takeing to big of a toll on you.

You need to understand that none of this has to do with you, you cannot judge you worth by MM or his wife.

It is more a matter of the dynamics between them as a couple, people do not continue to do something there not getting anything out of.

Even his getting you back after ending the A is about him not you.

It seems that when you went off you spoke the truth about him that you have been trying to hide from yourself.

Weather you should have went off are not is a matter for debate , but I is still normal I think after all the stress, normal people need to vent even if it dents there pride to do so.

::::"" I am really quite livid about it right now, just thinking that ANY man would rather be with her than me makes me want to.... (thinking stupid things and will not type them). Do I sound conceited or what?!!!! """:::

Sorry but yes you do , but I think it is mostly the pain speaking.

TRY NOT TO FORGET THAT HIS DECISIONS ARE ABOUT HIM NOT YOU, they have to do with how he works on the inside.

If you do not start getting some sleep soon I am comeing over there with a mallet and put you to sleep.

FREE


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-27-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 12:33pm
hey queen

Oh God, this sounds soooooo Dr. Phil, but be strong and really think -- you can't control what he's going to do (I know you know this and it's probably the gist of a large amount of your pain); he's going to do what he's going to do. All you can do is work on controlling how you react to his actions. Just be strong and really think about YOU.

free

Stick around! Your posts are good for this board. Someone mentioned once that you reminded them of yogachick (she was on this board when I first started visiting here -- often wondered what happened to her). Yoga's posts were a lot like yours (she was even more BLUNT), and they used to annoy the hell out of me!! (But that was in the beginning stages of my affair when all I wanted was a pat on the back). I see now that sometimes we all need much more than a pat on the back!

Thanks for your contribution!

Charlotte

 

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-31-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 2:58pm
Hi Charlotte,

I've just been reading some of this thread and I think you summed up Free so well. Be proud that you evolved from just wanting a pat on the back to really growing and being mature and open about what wisdom Free has provided to so many on this board. There are many who post and make a lot of sense, but I've got to say...most of the time, I personally take more credence in what she has to offer.

I am not currently familiar with Yoga, I think I will try to find some of her old posts to know more about "The Legend". LOL

Pen

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 6:29pm
HI Pen and Charlotte,

If you guys keep up the flattery I am going to have to have the doors widdened in my house to get my head through.

I was very unwilling to listen to anyone when things started , but let me tell you pain is one person you cannot shut up regardless of how hard you try only time is stronger.

I have been trying to be a little more Smooth but must admit it does not come to me naturaly.

No I am not going anywere for the time being, which I am shur will P/O one or ten people.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 6:51pm
Hello FREE and Charlotte

Thank you both.

I know that I need to watch what I am doing at this point simply because I feel like a ticking time bomb.

I was trying to respond but everything that I was typing was pretty shallow so I am going to stop here with it and try again later or tomorrow but I wanted to acknowledge that I had read your posts. Hopefully I will feel better then.

Thanks again.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Sat, 01-17-2004 - 7:38pm
hey Confused

Not to worry, we are here for you when you want are need us.

FREE