and he said......
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| Fri, 01-09-2004 - 10:34pm |
Well, today I saw MM, so we could "talk" as he requested. I was ready to tell him that it was over and that I needed to move on with my life no matter how much I loved him. I did not anticipate what was going to happen. When I told him, he said that is what I came to talk about - you and me. He proceeded to tell me that he fully understood why I felt the way that I do and realized that he has not been the best person in my life after what he did over the last 7 months. Now, that I expected. What I didn't expect was the actual tears that came as he was telling me how much he needed me in his life and that he is going to focus on him and I rather than him and W. It is really hard for me to stick to my guns when a man is crying let alone him. He is this huge (yes, I do mean body size) man's man, you know the type. I cried through it with him. At least my eyes were already puffy from the last few days of crying over this so I don't look any worse than I already did.
He told me that he knew that it hurt because the divorce was not happening right now and how much damage he did to me and my trust by ending the relationship when W was told she was pregnant. MM went on to say that in his time away from me, because of how he felt to be away from me for so long, he knows that I am the one he is in love with and wants to be with. He apologized for not making himself clear when we talked the other day and realized that he needed to let me know exactly how much he loves me. He explained to me that yes, he loves his wife but not the kind of love that it takes to make a marriage work. That he will always love her because she did have his son even when she didn't want children and that the only reason that he ended our relationship was because he felt obligated to do what he could to make the marriage work since there was a baby on the way. Quickly he followed up with the .... "but I now know that just because she got pregnant by accident that by accident the marriage will not work and even if it could I couldn't completely put forth my best effort because of the love I feel for you." He went on to tell me everything that he is going to do to regain my trust in hopes that I will allow our relationship to move forward. He also said that once he knows that he can get custody of his youngest son and that he won't lose everything he has worked for all these years then he would be mine for good. (I thought that before our break and he broke my heart).
He also did not even try to get me into bed, which is completely out of character for him. He just put his arms around me and held me with a few kisses here and there. I feel so good when I am in his arms - and safe. Stupid but I do. I guess four years of being held by those arms became a habit that I just don't want to give up even though it looks as though I might have to :( Last week when I saw him I wondered if what we had was gone, as I posted before, but today it was so damned powerful between us I almost felt guilty for even mentioning that I thought we should end the A.
Is it all a bunch of bull? Am I just being an overly emotional person that is acting like a twit? Can a MM after this long and a pregnancy, etc. really mean all of this? Is it that he is just willing to play the game as far as he has to in order to keep me around now that he has decided, again, that I am who he wants. I expected him to say some of these things to be able to keep his cake, so to speak but everything else - no way did I expect it.
I know that gurl and FREE feel that he is manipulating me and I would love to hear the two of your's interpretation of all of this along with the others here on this board because now I am really screwed up. I am trying to figure out if they are right :(
What a nightmare! Until this A, I always had a clear vision of where I was going in my life and now, everything seems so clouded.
Thanks in advance to everyone and their input and advice.
Confused

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I remember yogachick well. I've seen posts from yogachick recently, but can't remember where or what board....
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