And I Do What Now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
And I Do What Now?
17
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 3:58pm
Well, I am so pissed and so hurt and so scared right now it really sucks.

I just got an email from MM stating that he realizes what he has done to me and has been beside himself, not feeling like himself and hates who he has become in the recent months that he was away from me and isn't sure how to get himself back. He said he is now taking medication (as of today) to help him with depression and to feel better and that for now he wants to be able to call and email me but that he can't see me right now because of how badly he hates himself and that it hurts him to not be able to just be with me instead of stuck in his M.

Ya know, several months ago it ended. Not until recently did it start back up and now this? Am I being sucked in for some sympathy cry or is he really feeling all of this - remember when I first posted I said that things just didn't seem right.... well.... now I have to wonder if this is what I was picking up on instead of it being the A itself. I am scared for him and am hurting for him. I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I wish I had never gotten into any of this.

Confused

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:06pm

hey confused -- it's all in your last line, honey -- "I wish I had never gotten into any of this."

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:22pm
Hi gurl - thanks for responding so fast.

Yes, I do believe that he is in a bad place because I called him just after I posted here. He doesn't sound good. He said that he knew that I was the only person that could help him through this but that he wasn't going to put me through it all, said I love you and hung up.

We were so close for so long before the A ever started and I know this man like the back of my hand. It is really hard to know that he is hurting like this. I know how horrible his M is, I know how miserable he has been for so long. But I have no choice - he is walking away from me. So much for investing over 4 years with him and the last 7+ months being sheer hell to get through for us to end up like this.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:30pm

i do understand, confused, and i feel for you because you are sooo close to your MM and want to help him, but you can't.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:38pm
Wow, Queen, I'm sorry you're going thru this. I can't remember the circumstances of the turmoil you've been experiencing the last 7mos becuz I get everyone's stories mixed up. I have to say that your situation sounds very similar to mine. Things really started to decline at the 3 yr mark and my MM too, resorted to head meds for a short time as well. I didn't realize it was mostly becuz of me at the time though. He had told me that he was trying to quit smoking, his job and family life was stressful and that though our relationship was another stress, it wasn't only becuz of me. My gutt told me otherwise. Well, low and behold I find out this year, well, "yes, it was mostly becuz of you and I don't know how to deal with the guilt/confusion"...after all this time it's an incredible struggle for him. When he gets like that, though, he won't tell me he loves me, like your MM did. It's like he tries to prove to himself otherwise, but obviously can't over the long term. He wants and believes he NEEDS to stay in his R with W for reasons other than love but knows that's not "right" so goes into these modes where he can only put effort into loving her. This is my up, down, yo-yo jerking, ride! I'm trying to figure out what I want for me since I'm the one who get the worst end of this deal. I try to remember what everyone here says, when it hurts more than brings happiness, then it's time to go. So, I went, 3 weeks ago yesterday....you see I haven't switched boards yet! hang in there. Be his friend if you can while he sorts it all. Of course, if it hurts you too much, you might need to give the situation some space.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:55pm
Thank you again, gurl. and thank you beautifulmess for responding.

Gurl, as usual, you are right - there isn't anything that I can do. Amazing how the A started because he wasn't getting what he needed to be happy in the first place and that he turned back to me after the W had the baby because he still wasn't happy which is now the very reason that he has to turn from me because he knows I am the only person who knows him well enough to help him, which means he has to finally face the true problem, which is what his M is doing to him.

Beautifulmess,

I could very well be a large part of his problem but not in the area of making him feel this depressed I don't think. I think that it has more to do with the fact that now things progressed too far when we were apart and to be with me he has to finally face what the real problem is. And maybe I am diluting myself into believing that I am more special that I truly am to him but when we were together for the first four years - he never felt this way - at least not this horrible, because I was always there to lift him up, be his shoulder to cry on so to speak and love him like he wanted to be loved (per him, not me putting words in his mouth). Then 7+ months of being in contact with me through email and the phone but staying away because of the baby and this is where he is now. In my original post, when I found this site, I said then that something just didn't feel right and I guess now I know what it is. I don't know - it is all so confusing and I really just hope that I am not the reason he is feeling so low - not because I want to be superwoman in his life but because I have only loved this man completely and been in love with him for so long - he was my best friend before this ever even started and it grew from there.

I just feel sick inside right now and scared.

Thanks again to the both of you for responding to me when I am so frantic in my head with thoughts racing with what ifs and should I's, should I not's, etc.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-22-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 4:58pm
I didn't mean to imply that you are the cause of his problem. On the contrary! I believe in both of our situations that our MM's are having a hard time with how much they actually love and need us. I know it scares my MM, he's told me so. I think you're right on the money. He has been forced to look inside himself and deal with the real problem. Hopefully he is strong enough to do that. My MM is not. HUGS to you!!!
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 5:06pm
Thank you for your explanation, beautifulmess.

I hope that he is strong enough to as well. I agree with you that they don't want to have to admit how much they love us and need us in their lives or at least I hope that is what it is rather than just an extra obstacle. I am just absolutely terrified now though that after our time away from one another and the damage that was done with all of that and now that there isn't any turning back. Funny, last week I was trying to figure out how to end it because of the way he was treating me and not answering my questions and now I feel like such an a** because to be where he said he is, none of that helped matters any. If I could only turn back time and eliminate all of this heartache and drama from my life I would.

Good luck in your situation. It is always nice to know that someone else understands even if the situation isn't a pleasant one.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 6:32pm
HI Confused

Hope you don't mind hereing from a nay sayer.

Do yourself and him a favor just back off and let him deal with his own life, you can bet he will survive it.

It's time to stop being the fall guy, you have no reason what so ever to fell like an *SS you did nothing to him even if all this is true he did it to himself and he was screwing you up to.

If he were to formaly leave his Wife and do so out in the open were the world could see then he may be worth your time but not before.

Confused I am not going to give you a bunch of romantic dribble you have had a lot of that with MM and what has it got you , pain and tears.

Your asked if this could be a sympathy cry to suck you back in ,I don't know but whether it is or is not it is time to look out for number 1 you how much more drama can you take, I have been at times concerned that you may hurt yourself because of all the SH*T he has put you through all the pain and heartache.

If you do not mind my opinion IT'S TIME TO CUT YOUR LOSES and move on.

Sorry to rain on the perade but enought all ready.

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 7:40pm
Good Evening, Free

You aren't raining on my parade - I am lost thus creating the need to ask for support and help because I don't know what else to do. It has gotten to be too much to continue without having someone to turn to.

I will say though that it isn't a matter of me backing off - I sent him the email, as you know, I received no response with regard to the questions and then I get this. I wasn't contacting him until I got the email and I needed to hear his voice for myself because the email made me feel scared for him.

Thank you for your concern about me. Although I have not thought about directly hurting myself, your right - I am damaging myself just trying to feel numb. What is sad is that I don't even care because it is the only way that the tears stop falling. Maybe it would be different if him and I had not had 4 years of a wonderful relationship, communication and a friendship that to this day I crave to have in my life. I almost wish I had been through more of the ups and downs like others here have - maybe then it wouldn't hurt like this. I do believe that had the W not gotten pregnant, things would not have changed between us, except for the better and the plans that we had for our futures would have manifested into what we both wanted. Now, what a mess. I guess it really isn't fair of me to myself to even think about all of that now.

Also, he has turned away from me, FREE. He told me, as I said in one of the other posts, to gurl I believe, that he isn't going to put me through it so now all I can do is move on anyway and forget any of it ever happened or at least shuffle it into my brain as a wonderful time in my life that has since expired.

Your right - it is time to take care of #1, I just don't know how to anymore - my entire life has been dedicated to taking care of other people and that has always been what gave me satisfaction in knowing that whatever I was experiencing would be ok. I have never had to directly deal with myself other than when I got out of the abusive R and even at that I was focused on my children, not me. I have a lot to learn.

Thanks again, FREE. Your thoughts and opinions are always insightful to me even if I don't agree so I hope that you don't ever feel as though, like you said in your post, that you are raining on my parade - you are merely giving me an alternative way to look at things so that I can begin to understand the whole picture rather than the limited view that I have chosen to take.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 8:35pm
HI Confused

Sorry if I came across a bit harsh, and I know I did.

I would love to be able to say something profound or even romantic but I am what I am BLUNT, but never deliberatly cruel.

I understood that he has turned away from you, but not for the first time and only time will tell if he is genuine or if it will turn into another ploy down the road.

Take it easy on the meds please no mixing.

Let the tears fall they serve a vital purpose, it's all right to greave you have suffered a lose.

You need to invest more of your energy in learning how to take care of you, if you can do that you will be even better at helping others.


Confused you have a lot to offer the world and the deserving people you will meet in life you are going to create a lot of good memories in peoples lifes, they will create lots of good memories for you to before the show is over.

When you are ready life will be waiting there for you.


FREE

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