And I Do What Now?

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
And I Do What Now?
17
Mon, 01-26-2004 - 3:58pm
Well, I am so pissed and so hurt and so scared right now it really sucks.

I just got an email from MM stating that he realizes what he has done to me and has been beside himself, not feeling like himself and hates who he has become in the recent months that he was away from me and isn't sure how to get himself back. He said he is now taking medication (as of today) to help him with depression and to feel better and that for now he wants to be able to call and email me but that he can't see me right now because of how badly he hates himself and that it hurts him to not be able to just be with me instead of stuck in his M.

Ya know, several months ago it ended. Not until recently did it start back up and now this? Am I being sucked in for some sympathy cry or is he really feeling all of this - remember when I first posted I said that things just didn't seem right.... well.... now I have to wonder if this is what I was picking up on instead of it being the A itself. I am scared for him and am hurting for him. I don't know what I am supposed to do.

I wish I had never gotten into any of this.

Confused

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 9:34am
Good Morning, FREE

I guess I am just stupid since I didn't think that you were harsh. I felt that you were simply telling me like it is and I appreciate that in people since throughout my life that is the way I have always been except for in this A. Of course I have never been one to be a blubbering idiot either and this A seems to have turned me into that as of late too.

You are right in that I have to learn how to better care for myself - I just really don't know how since I have never let myself be the focus. I do think that coming to this board was a first step though in me realizing that I had to start looking out for myself.

I will be careful with the "sleeping aids" - at least they make me sleep some and make me not feel quite so much but I will be careful. I have to be - between the kids and my schooling, I can't afford to not be careful. Afterall I do have a 4.0 that needs to stay in tact so that I don't regret having let a man affect my life in that way :o). But I also can't afford to feel so miserable every waking moment of my day because of all of this either. I never thought I would be one to find a vice to escape but I guess for now that is what I have done.

I found myself reflecting on your statements about what I have to offer to others and the good memories to be created and it seems so far out of reach last night but yet I know what you are saying is true. I have a lot of memories to be built just in my children since they won't be at home for forever. They are my light, as they have always been, and I realized last night that I need to make more of an effort to focus on that. I guess I kind of took all the wonderful gifts that my children give to me for granted.

Hope you have a great day!

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 12:26pm

hi confused - it sounds like FREE helped you alot and i'm so glad you listened to her advice with an open mind.

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 1:35pm
HI Confused

Dropped in at home for a bit of lunch and thought I would check the board.

Your are anything but stupid and I was a bit short with that post but life goes on and we learn from it.

I liked what Gurl had to say about learning emotionaly from this experiance, It is good to feel but I think not so good to let the emotions rule are lifes, it just makes us make bad decisions.

Learning to take care of ones self is a skill and you need to learn to do it, if you don't in time life will burn you out and you will not be much good to anyone including the kids or yourself BTDT.

Take it one day at a time, and move forward on step at a time, in time you will stop looking back.

On a negative note, I don't think you should accept e-mails or phone calls from MM unless he ends his M for all to see first, doing so will only hold you back and retard the healing that you need to do.JMHO

Drop a line when school permits

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 3:26pm
Hello gurl and FREE,

I agree with you both and I am grateful that you both have shared your thoughts with me on this situation.

FREE, you are probably right about not accepting email or phone calls from him. He sent an email this morning to "assure" me that this wasn't goodbye. I couldn't even respond simply because I don't know what to say. I would love to tell you that I could do it and I will try but I also know me and I feel like I need to be there for him if he needs me simply because I have been his shoulder and confidant for so long. I know, doesn't help me any or how I feel which really bites. I also have to somehow put myself together enough for when I see him in the community. This place is too small to avoid one another for forever. Heck, I don't doubt that it won't be long before our mutual friend comes to me again, concerned about his well-being. If I would have been paying attention to all of the clues, I would have seen this coming for him but I was too busy being wrapped up in my own feelings and issues about what was going on between him and I. Now, that I look at it all, it makes perfect sense and I was being too selfish to realize what was happening to him.

As for the emotions part of things - your right there too, gurl and free. I do need to learn from all of this, emotionally. I was ok and able to not let my emotions run over me until this last month - as you both know. I have been broadsided and I guess I should have expected it and not let my guard down but I did and now I am paying the price for that. As I said, if I had kept my wall up and my emotions in check, I would have been paying attention to all of the clues, I would have seen this coming and maybe helped him before he got where he is now.

FREE, he isn't going to leave his W - not with their child being this young. I know this. If nothing else he is a man that loves his kids and waited too long to have his own to leave, even if his M is horrible.

Pretty ironic that I have to write a philosophy paper on a quote regarding calm, clear and open minded. I don't even know if I know what that is right now.

Anyway - thanks again to the two of you. Maybe at some point through all of this you will actually get to meet the normal me and not the drama queen emotional wreck that I am.

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Tue, 01-27-2004 - 7:17pm
HI Confused

Just a brief response on a few points.

1) you did not cause his problems , he did and he caused yours as well, he could have avoided all this pain and drama just by careing enough for you to leave you alone(remember real love), it's not your job to fix his life, you are not responsible for him he is a grown man your not his mommy.

2) you cannot shoot somebody in the heart then expect them to worry later if you get a bo-bo(you were badly wounded it was not selfish to be focused on your own bleeding).

3) I never expected him to leave his wife and have no problem with him being there for the kids that is the decent thing to do, but I do expect him to try and worm his way back into your life and bed some time down the road , that is what the e-mails and phone calls are about, also I tend to think the mutual friend has been used as a tool for the same purpose in the past and will be again, this may sound nuts to you but I smell a rat.JMHO

4)My advice to you is don't be his little ray of sunshine anymore unless you want to spend the next 10 years as the OW, there are better men then that to be found regardless of how you feel about him.

5) You should "assure" him THAT IT IS GOODBYE period, I could give you a more colorfull message but I am sure you would not send it.

A philosophy paper yuck.. how about approaching it from the point of view of what it is not!

IF YOU NEED ANYONE TO SLAP SOME SENSE INTO AGAIN JUST CALL.

Have a better day.

FREE


iVillage Member
Registered: 01-06-2004
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 5:15pm
Good Afternoon, FREE

I have to agree with everything you said. I know I didn't cause his problems but I guess I feel like the A surely added to them and since we had just reconciled and I let him have it both on the phone and in my email of questions...didn't help matters.

I found your statement about the "friend" interesting because I wondered the same thing. I figured I was delusional and my thinking was just whacked. The friend had come to me before about how horrible things were going for MM ever since the baby had been born. This was about three weeks to a month before MM told me that he could no longer live without our relationship and that he needed me. The very things that the friend told me were things that I had anticipated would happen with their M and how W would be acting. MM restated them to me of course when we were reconciling. Keep in mind, the friend is one of the same men that is asking me out so I am sure that if MM did bait him, he does not realize it. I will be paying close attention to the offered information from now on.

I feel so lost and it doesn't help that I am worried about him too. It was one thing to be hurt, angry, etc. but it really changed the flavor of this whole situation, now that I know at least some of what is going on for him. I am just praying that his W doesn't do what I have seen her do to him, and really set him on a path of a downward spiral worse than what is happening now. I almost wish he would go stay at a friends house or get a hotel and be by himself. She is horrible and I don't say that just because I am the OW. I can be a royal pain in the a** and let someone have it colorfully and forcefully enough to make a truck driver blush but I would never think of doing that in front of others. I just wouldn't trust where he is right now if she were to be that stupid.

I know, your probably going to tell me - CONFUSED IT ISN'T YOUR PROBLEM - its theirs, I know that but....... I am really trying to dissect my emotions and separate them but it doesn't seem to be working.

Hope you had a great day, FREE

Confused

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
Wed, 01-28-2004 - 8:36pm
HI Confused

It was a busy day but not to bad other then the roads being slippery as h*ll.

Here is a though for you, perhaps MM and his wife deserve each other, I think form your discriptions of them there a pair of manipulators screwing each other over and now he is doing it to you, I suggest that you extract yourself from there lifes I don't think your equiped to deal with them, the more you try the more messed up you get.

I tend to agree that the friend was manipulated into being a tool to get to you it would work better that way.

Confused I am still convinced that he is playing head games with you and just following a general plan to work on your soft heart, you try to sound like a hard case but your not, and he knows it and how to use it against you.

Sorry I do not agree that you added to his problems unless not allowing yourself to be used is adding to his problems in your mind, you in fact did nothing wrong at all, you had both a need and a right to know were you stand in this whole mess.

If a you are to near a sinking ship the undertow will drag you down with it, make your escape while you still can, He will not leave his wife as you said and he will not stop being the person he is a manipulative SOB jmho.

I think the only way for you to gain prespective on YOUR EMOTIONS is time and NC.

And stop blameing your self for what this guy does or does not feel it's not your fault or responsibility, truth is you do not really know how much is true and how much is a front being put on for your benefit.

TAKE CARE OF YOU

have a good night

FREE

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