Another new one

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Another new one
10
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 7:00pm
Well, I have been reading posts for a while and not contributing, just trying to get a feel and figure out where I am I guess¡K But I have a sneaking feeling that I am going to need support in the next couple of weeks and I will in turn, stop lurking and start providing my support in writing (instead of thinking it when I read your posts). ƒº

So short background, we have been contacting each other for about 2 months. He is married and I have been seriously dating someone for many years. We chat online and it has escalated quite a bit, nothing in person due to distance. I know that we have definitely crossed lines and been secretive. His wife is pregnant and very due. The entire time I have been pretty guarded as far as my feelings. But will have no contact for a little while until after the birth. I¡¦m trying not to get my hopes up I guess, for fear that contact will not really be able to continue as it has, I mean , I¡¦m sure it probably won¡¦t. Life-changing event and all¡K And of course logically, it makes sense that it should end now ¡V before anymore lines are crossed, which we have half-jokingly planned on meeting in a few weeks, but I was hoping that I wouldn¡¦t care if it did, and it turns out I do a little¡KJust looking for feedback really and everyone seems so supportive and non-judgmental here.

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 04-12-2004 - 8:44pm
Hello and welcome! I don't have any specific advice for you, but wanted to let you know that you have definitely come to the right place. I met MM online and can relate to the ups and downs of a very long distance, emotional R. I've met MM a couple times, but we refrained from taking our R to a physical level (although we both wanted to). Generally we are in contact very regularly. Unfortunately about a month ago his W discovered our A and insisted on talking to my H. Since then MM and I still communicate, but not as often. I sometimes go several days without hearing from him. NC can be really, really tough. He's my best friend. I enjoy talking to him and miss him terribly when we can't talk. It sounds like for you the NC is somewhat opened ended. In other words, you know you'll have a period of NC but have no idea how long it will last. All I can say is hang in there. And feel free to check in here a lot too. Since your R is rather new, this may be a good time for you to assess things and determine whether you really want to continue or if you want to take the opportunity to end things. Just be prepared - it could be painful either way.

Good luck!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 8:48am
Thanks for responding! I have also met MM a couple times - nothing phsycial resulting as this has all been building. I can't imagine anyone finding out. And to speak to each other on top of that! That must have been so difficult. But you are still able to communicate? I am so surprised at how hard this all became so quickly. I keep telling myself 'one day at a time'

Our contact has been very regular - talking online while he and i are both at work, sometime chatting for a few hours if we're not too busy. even if it is just a yawn smiley, i know he is there.So NC seems like a bit of a loss. After we talked on the phone, it felt like we had phsically been together. I could not believe the emotional rollercoaster of smiling to myself and wanting to stick my head in the sand at the same time.... Thanks again for the advice I do appreciate you taking the time!! This seems like such a great place for all of us figure everything out

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:06am
Hello again! That's nice that you and MM have such regular contact. My contact with MM was very regular too - until recent events. Yes, continuing to communicate has been very tricky. We pretty much can only email or talk when he's at work. I have a bit more freedom and can also talk from home as long as I'm very cautious about it. Even so, our contact is limited right now. I miss him a lot.

I have to comment on what you wrote about how after you spoke on the phone you felt like you'd been physically together. There was a weekend last summer when H was away. MM and I spent hours on the phone and chatting via IM. We both felt like we'd spent the weekend together. We still laugh about that and wish we could do it again.

I agree completely - one day at a time is the key. Sometimes one hour at a time. Or one minute at a time... LOL!!!

Anyway, we're glad you are here. Please do stick around - there's a fantastic group of people who post here. It is so comforting to know we're not alone!

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:41am
Wow, your post definitely struck a nerve with me. I don't know if you know my situation or not, but I'll lay it out for you so you can see some of the similarities. I'm M and have been for almost 8 years. I have a 5 year old son with another on the way in July. I haven't been happy at any point in my M other than with my son, who is my world. Anyway, IS (what I call my former OW) and I began talking online a few years ago as friends only. There was an age difference in addition to the fact I was M. So we lost contact and drifted apart. Then we reconnected in November. We chatted for a few weeks and then moved to phone calls. The first time we talked, I knew she was someone very special. We talked for over two hours and a bond was formed that couldn't be broken. We started talking regularly. She did have a boyfriend, although not a very serious one. Christmas was tough, although we found time to e-mail each other every day. Then we agreed to meet on New Year's Eve. She lives 5 hours away so I made the drive up there. That night completely changed our lives. She ended her R with her boyfriend and I considered leaving my W right then and there. My W asked me to try and although it killed me, I realized I owed her this. So IS and I broke off contact and I started counseling with my W. It didn't take long, though, for me to realize that not only was I right about the issues in our M, they were much worse than I even imagined. I made a decision to leave and I then contacted IS. We started talking again. Now I'm one month away from moving out (first apartment available in the complex I want to move to). My W and I have agreed on custody (we will have shared custody) and I'm hoping to build a R with IS moving forward. I never believed in the concept of a soulmate before, but I don't know how else to explain how IS and I found one another. She truly is a perfect match for me in every way.

Well, now that I've laid all that out there, let me say I realize your situation isn't exactly like mine. For one, I have no idea if your MM will ever want to leave his M or not. I just noticed that his W is pregnant and that really made me think. I know in my situation, it created a lot of guilt for both of us at first. But once I went to counseling and realized that my M was only going to continue to disintegrate. I don't know what you are seeking from this A, but just know that he is likely going through a lot right now. Despite my situation, I'm not a fan of A's. I personally hope to never be part of one again. But when you find someone special, I understand why you can't or won't walk away. Just be careful and always try to recognize not only what you want out of this, but where you stand with him. It is easy to get lost in a R like this. And always take care of yourself.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 9:47am
Hi there hope, welcome to the board.

Just to share a little bit of support and sort of a warning: these things happen from online relationships. I know GB said hers is that way, my sister met her H online, and my OW started as a casual online friend and since has moved 2000 miles to be in my town.

This is all real. She was doing some research about online Rs when we started getting close and found that online Rs seem to progress much faster because there's less risk. Without having to worry so much about the physical and if we fidget or whatever during conversation we let our guards down faster and tend to get closer much quicker. For her and I the time it took to become very close was about three weeks.

I also kept telling myself it wouldn't work in person. After three months online and talking on the phone I flew her to visit me. As much as I liked her as a person and was really feeling a growing love for her, I kind of thought it would be a weekend fling, we'd both blow it off as interesting but not worth changing our lives over, and that would be the end. I was *completely* wrong and it took only a hug from her to know I had a lot of changes to make. It's a year later and I still haven't made them all; it's can be a long road.

The thing is, online all you have to fall back on is your communication skills and personality. You can't just bat your eyes and make points. The good side of that is you learn to communicate with someone in an unperfect medium - email and IM. If you can do that... honestly, you can probably communicate pretty well in person too. Long term Rs, as we all know, really require more communication than chemistry (though it's kinda nice to have both.)

Now the caution: if you're both in Rs now and you're communicating well online, you should consider channeling that communication into a discussion about where you want to go with this. It's only going to get harder, and when his W has a child, things are going to complicate a lot. You may get jealous of his time involved there, he may feel overwhelmed... there's just a lot ahead of you right now. Maybe just being friends will be ok since you're long distance anyway. But if you really think you feel something and he does too, being friends with frequent contact is going to be hard.

Meeting in person... just be careful. The potential for prolonged heartache and eventual heartbreak really exist, more so for you I think.

Having said that... I wouldn't trade any of the last year. I've found my soul mate. I'm the last person who would advise you, "Don't do it, you might get hurt." But you might, and you should know that going in.

Good Luck

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:26am
I feel as if I have a bit more freedom too - especially since I work from home alone and can IM easily... although it is still pretty muh restricted to when he is working too.

I'm glad that you understood about how the conversations felt - so, intimate, I guess. I thought, even as I was writing it - this is crazy....we were on the phone! I wish we were able to do so more often too.

Definitely one minute at a time at some moments

:)

iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 10:37am
Rain - thanks for the info about online Rs. Very interesting! I agree that it seemed like we became very close very fast. I'm generally a pretty cautious person, so I definitely held back for a bit. Eventually, though, I just couldn't deny our connection any more. It was crazy how much we had in common and how well we understood each other. But still, I figured it was just an online thing. I thought that if we actually met it would take some of the "glow" away. Well, meeting him was wonderful - it was like we had known each other forever. It just made our whole R even more real, and more intense.

The only thing I worry about is that I think it is easier to "fantasize" an online R because you don't have to deal with the day to day stuff. I wish I could spend more time with MM so we could see what it would be like to really be with each other. Right now that isn't possible. Hard to say about the future. I guess we'll just have to see.

Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for the info. It definitely got me thinking.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 11:53am
Thanks for responding. I have to say what hit me most about your post was

"This is all real."

I know we should have really had a discussion prior to NC regarding where we wanted this to go . I think we are/were probably both afraid to bring it up. When we first started chatting, we talked somewhat about family life, he sent pics of ultrasounds, etc. Then it tapered off into no talk about home somehow, avoidance, I suppose on both our parts. We talk as if it is just to two of us, no mention of his W or my BF. It was easy to 'forget', (okay, really I never did), that we are both in Rs. For ex., we both know when I will be in town is after the child comes - seems like the perfect time to say, maybe this is not such a good idea. but neither of us do. Granted that doesn't mean one of us won't eventually. And I admit some reservations, especially wondering how that will change our R, will it end it? will it fuel it?

I think I feel like we are setting this up somehow to be some strange relationship/fantasy where the other people in our lives don't exist. I guess each R is different, but I assumed we would be talking about our home lives? Does this seem strange to anyone? Is this a stage of the process, not talking about home? Don't we have to acknowledge it at some point? I have to assume that we are fulfilling some sort of need that we each have? And just being friends and communicationg as often as we do now, I would not before thought would be difficult- as that is how it started, however, this NC is causing me to lean in the other direction and think that it might be pretty darn hard for me, at least for a while anyway...As a matter of fact, I have tried to be flippant and guarded about the whole thing, up until this NC which has forced me to really consider everything. This is such a special family time for him and it should be - I really need to get my thoughts together - I'm babbling on now :)

Anyway thanks again - you make some really good points I will be considering.

hope.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 12:05pm
I know in my case, for a long time I didn't talk much about my home life. Part of it was because I didn't know if she wanted to hear about it and part of it was just because I was so involved in learning about her that my day to day life didn't seem so important. As we moved forward though, we started talking about our lives more and more. The good part about that is it allows us to get a glimpse into what it would be like to be around each other. For instance, I recently was included in a very exclusive meeting at work that signals I'm moving up the food chain a bit. No one else in my life said much about it when I told them. IS was excited and thrilled for me and told me how proud she was of me. That really meant a lot. I guess I would say give it some time. If you want him to talk about his home life, try talking to him about yours.

Believe me, I understand how quickly feelings can develop. I honestly don't think it is about being online though. I think online R's develop more quickly because we put more time into them. For instance, if he lived here and you didn't talk to him online, how much would you be able to see him? Probably not nearly as much as you can chat with him. So you're able to have all those conversations and make all those connections that would take months to develop in only a few short weeks. I think this is a tremendous thing. As far as the day to day life goes, I think it is overrated. I think what is far more important is values and communication needs. If you click in those areas, then the little problems can be resolved. You will never find someone you don't have differences with and if you do, you'll probably not like them...lol So I guess when it comes down to it, you have to decide where you want to go with this. Like Rain said, you need to really think about this because things can get very complicated. His situation is particularly delicate, as I well know. But I, also like Rain, will not tell you whether to pursue it or not. I too have found my soulmate and I have no regrets. Whatever you decide, just understand that there are difficult times ahead and it may test your resolve and strength. We're here if you need us.

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-12-2004
Tue, 04-13-2004 - 2:48pm
Hey, thanks for both of your responses. Seeing things from your perspective and Rain's really helps and I appreciate both of you being so candid. It is great that IS acknowledges your personal success. We need that in our lives. The transistions the two of you are both experiencing are so big. I wish you well.

And you are right, his situation is particularly delicate. It is not that I particularly want to talk about home life, it just seemed strange that it was totally dropped. Because of his situation, I've had a tendency to pull back and wait for him to initiate things, and then in return I think he thought I was hesitant too move too fast and he pulled back as well, lol. We discussed a few times that neither of us want the other to ever feel uncomfortable, etc. Neither of us has ever been in this situation before. So I am anxious/eager to see how everything feels when he gets back. I'm not really the aggressive type, so far I have given him the reins. I just can't justify having expectations given that I know the situation he is in. Although that little voice says 'wouldn't it be nice' *smiling* It's really a matter of time and communication.