Another new one
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| Mon, 04-12-2004 - 7:00pm |
So short background, we have been contacting each other for about 2 months. He is married and I have been seriously dating someone for many years. We chat online and it has escalated quite a bit, nothing in person due to distance. I know that we have definitely crossed lines and been secretive. His wife is pregnant and very due. The entire time I have been pretty guarded as far as my feelings. But will have no contact for a little while until after the birth. I¡¦m trying not to get my hopes up I guess, for fear that contact will not really be able to continue as it has, I mean , I¡¦m sure it probably won¡¦t. Life-changing event and all¡K And of course logically, it makes sense that it should end now ¡V before anymore lines are crossed, which we have half-jokingly planned on meeting in a few weeks, but I was hoping that I wouldn¡¦t care if it did, and it turns out I do a little¡KJust looking for feedback really and everyone seems so supportive and non-judgmental here.

Good luck!
GB2
Our contact has been very regular - talking online while he and i are both at work, sometime chatting for a few hours if we're not too busy. even if it is just a yawn smiley, i know he is there.So NC seems like a bit of a loss. After we talked on the phone, it felt like we had phsically been together. I could not believe the emotional rollercoaster of smiling to myself and wanting to stick my head in the sand at the same time.... Thanks again for the advice I do appreciate you taking the time!! This seems like such a great place for all of us figure everything out
I have to comment on what you wrote about how after you spoke on the phone you felt like you'd been physically together. There was a weekend last summer when H was away. MM and I spent hours on the phone and chatting via IM. We both felt like we'd spent the weekend together. We still laugh about that and wish we could do it again.
I agree completely - one day at a time is the key. Sometimes one hour at a time. Or one minute at a time... LOL!!!
Anyway, we're glad you are here. Please do stick around - there's a fantastic group of people who post here. It is so comforting to know we're not alone!
GB2
Well, now that I've laid all that out there, let me say I realize your situation isn't exactly like mine. For one, I have no idea if your MM will ever want to leave his M or not. I just noticed that his W is pregnant and that really made me think. I know in my situation, it created a lot of guilt for both of us at first. But once I went to counseling and realized that my M was only going to continue to disintegrate. I don't know what you are seeking from this A, but just know that he is likely going through a lot right now. Despite my situation, I'm not a fan of A's. I personally hope to never be part of one again. But when you find someone special, I understand why you can't or won't walk away. Just be careful and always try to recognize not only what you want out of this, but where you stand with him. It is easy to get lost in a R like this. And always take care of yourself.
Just to share a little bit of support and sort of a warning: these things happen from online relationships. I know GB said hers is that way, my sister met her H online, and my OW started as a casual online friend and since has moved 2000 miles to be in my town.
This is all real. She was doing some research about online Rs when we started getting close and found that online Rs seem to progress much faster because there's less risk. Without having to worry so much about the physical and if we fidget or whatever during conversation we let our guards down faster and tend to get closer much quicker. For her and I the time it took to become very close was about three weeks.
I also kept telling myself it wouldn't work in person. After three months online and talking on the phone I flew her to visit me. As much as I liked her as a person and was really feeling a growing love for her, I kind of thought it would be a weekend fling, we'd both blow it off as interesting but not worth changing our lives over, and that would be the end. I was *completely* wrong and it took only a hug from her to know I had a lot of changes to make. It's a year later and I still haven't made them all; it's can be a long road.
The thing is, online all you have to fall back on is your communication skills and personality. You can't just bat your eyes and make points. The good side of that is you learn to communicate with someone in an unperfect medium - email and IM. If you can do that... honestly, you can probably communicate pretty well in person too. Long term Rs, as we all know, really require more communication than chemistry (though it's kinda nice to have both.)
Now the caution: if you're both in Rs now and you're communicating well online, you should consider channeling that communication into a discussion about where you want to go with this. It's only going to get harder, and when his W has a child, things are going to complicate a lot. You may get jealous of his time involved there, he may feel overwhelmed... there's just a lot ahead of you right now. Maybe just being friends will be ok since you're long distance anyway. But if you really think you feel something and he does too, being friends with frequent contact is going to be hard.
Meeting in person... just be careful. The potential for prolonged heartache and eventual heartbreak really exist, more so for you I think.
Having said that... I wouldn't trade any of the last year. I've found my soul mate. I'm the last person who would advise you, "Don't do it, you might get hurt." But you might, and you should know that going in.
Good Luck
rain
I'm glad that you understood about how the conversations felt - so, intimate, I guess. I thought, even as I was writing it - this is crazy....we were on the phone! I wish we were able to do so more often too.
Definitely one minute at a time at some moments
:)
The only thing I worry about is that I think it is easier to "fantasize" an online R because you don't have to deal with the day to day stuff. I wish I could spend more time with MM so we could see what it would be like to really be with each other. Right now that isn't possible. Hard to say about the future. I guess we'll just have to see.
Anyway, I just wanted to thank you for the info. It definitely got me thinking.
GB2
"This is all real."
I know we should have really had a discussion prior to NC regarding where we wanted this to go . I think we are/were probably both afraid to bring it up. When we first started chatting, we talked somewhat about family life, he sent pics of ultrasounds, etc. Then it tapered off into no talk about home somehow, avoidance, I suppose on both our parts. We talk as if it is just to two of us, no mention of his W or my BF. It was easy to 'forget', (okay, really I never did), that we are both in Rs. For ex., we both know when I will be in town is after the child comes - seems like the perfect time to say, maybe this is not such a good idea. but neither of us do. Granted that doesn't mean one of us won't eventually. And I admit some reservations, especially wondering how that will change our R, will it end it? will it fuel it?
I think I feel like we are setting this up somehow to be some strange relationship/fantasy where the other people in our lives don't exist. I guess each R is different, but I assumed we would be talking about our home lives? Does this seem strange to anyone? Is this a stage of the process, not talking about home? Don't we have to acknowledge it at some point? I have to assume that we are fulfilling some sort of need that we each have? And just being friends and communicationg as often as we do now, I would not before thought would be difficult- as that is how it started, however, this NC is causing me to lean in the other direction and think that it might be pretty darn hard for me, at least for a while anyway...As a matter of fact, I have tried to be flippant and guarded about the whole thing, up until this NC which has forced me to really consider everything. This is such a special family time for him and it should be - I really need to get my thoughts together - I'm babbling on now :)
Anyway thanks again - you make some really good points I will be considering.
hope.
Believe me, I understand how quickly feelings can develop. I honestly don't think it is about being online though. I think online R's develop more quickly because we put more time into them. For instance, if he lived here and you didn't talk to him online, how much would you be able to see him? Probably not nearly as much as you can chat with him. So you're able to have all those conversations and make all those connections that would take months to develop in only a few short weeks. I think this is a tremendous thing. As far as the day to day life goes, I think it is overrated. I think what is far more important is values and communication needs. If you click in those areas, then the little problems can be resolved. You will never find someone you don't have differences with and if you do, you'll probably not like them...lol So I guess when it comes down to it, you have to decide where you want to go with this. Like Rain said, you need to really think about this because things can get very complicated. His situation is particularly delicate, as I well know. But I, also like Rain, will not tell you whether to pursue it or not. I too have found my soulmate and I have no regrets. Whatever you decide, just understand that there are difficult times ahead and it may test your resolve and strength. We're here if you need us.
And you are right, his situation is particularly delicate. It is not that I particularly want to talk about home life, it just seemed strange that it was totally dropped. Because of his situation, I've had a tendency to pull back and wait for him to initiate things, and then in return I think he thought I was hesitant too move too fast and he pulled back as well, lol. We discussed a few times that neither of us want the other to ever feel uncomfortable, etc. Neither of us has ever been in this situation before. So I am anxious/eager to see how everything feels when he gets back. I'm not really the aggressive type, so far I have given him the reins. I just can't justify having expectations given that I know the situation he is in. Although that little voice says 'wouldn't it be nice' *smiling* It's really a matter of time and communication.