Anticipation is so sweet
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| Tue, 12-16-2008 - 4:16pm |
Hi all,
AP/BF and I are still together and I am as crazy about him as ever but I think that I'm finally getting the hang of the game. Yep, THE GAME. Things have gotten a little strange since he took me to that concert in October, our contact has gotten a little less and for some reason, practically every time he's been home since then...we've ended up fighting. After this happens, he always makes sure to tell me that we're "okay" which is comforting, yet confusing as heck. We then start the cycle all over again (he comes home for a couple of days once a week). I have been trying very hard to "keep my cool" where he's concerned and have tried not to seem so needy or even so much in love. Sometimes it's just very hard and before I know it I will have told him that I am absolutely head over heels for him, and I know he likes to hear it. But then he does the old "back off" thing I'm left out in the cold. After our last fight, I tried to tell him that when he does this it makes me feel like I'm just his booty call and I thought that when two people cared about each other that it was only natural that they want to be together. He went off about how he has his own life, blah..blah and I get that. What I tried to impart to him is that when he makes me feel like he will be with me (and believe me, the things he says DOES lead me on)and then it's like he drops off the face of the planet...well, that just plain disrespects me and I don't deserve that. I don't know if he really heard me or not, I think he was listening but whether he understood where I was coming from is another story. So, after this last little contretemps...I left him alone and if I did feel the need to text him..it was just to say hi, thinking about you....period.
Anyhow, he's back tomorrow and I have also taken the following day off of work (I asked him if he'd like if I did that and he said yes please) so we will be together again. He texted me this morning to send kisses and hugs and cu soon. I am getting so much better about all of this (about time too huh? It's only been almost a year and a half!) and my drinking is a lot better too. I know we will still have our moments because he is a bit nutty, as am I. I just really wish I didn't love him so much.
Hope everyone is well and has a good holiday (hope you all get what you asked for)
benska

happy holidays to you Benska.
Frankly, can't you do better than this relationship? I think you can. What are you afraid of?
You spelled it out pretty well so it is no longer that you are ignorant about how affairs can be for the single gal. I am just shocked at how long you are willing to continue to play the 'game". After a month of reading posts when I came online looking for answers to my confusion, i read and was astonished about my ignorance
Hi lizzie,
Thanks for your reply, and your honesty.
Frankly yes, I do think I deserve better but right now it's only my head that's telling me that...my heart is flip flopping out of my chest whenever we're together. I've told myself everything that you did but I still can't seem to take that one step to get myself out of it...and honestly, I'm not sure that I want to just yet.
We did spend the night and day together that I mentioned and it was ABSOLUTELY the best time we've had in a long time. I kept expecting him to leave when the morning came but he never did (well, he did eventually but you KWIM). Not only that but he made plans to meet with me a few hours later and not only that but he also came back to my place that evening. We had dinner and even though he had to leave for a little bit..he told me several times that he would be back...and he was. We laughed our heads off, had a little nap and then he left to go watch his DS play basketball...he'd only come to town for the Wednesday evening and Thursday..then it was back to the job. This is where he completely messes with my head...we have shared so much of ourselves with each other, it's really difficult to think about saying goodbye....I think that goes for both of us.
Anyhow, I already know that one day I will know in my heart (and not just my head) that it isn't enough for me and I will (hopefully) be ready to move on. I just don't know how I became so insecure...I never used to be this way!
benska