Any Advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2009
Any Advice?
5
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 1:21pm

In searching for answers about affairs I came to this board. I am not even if the situation I am in is in fact an affair, but then it falls under cheating, or an affair of the heart. I appreciate the effort for others to be open and honest about the horrible parts of an affair to somehow steer me away from this what I know isn't right, but I haven't felt any guilt at this point.


I have struggled with my marriage for years and know that it doesn't justify an affair ever. I haven' t been in love with my husband for awhile, although I do care for him because he is the father of our children. He is an alcoholic and that itself is a different issue, and he has troubles giving and showing love due to his upbringing. Even knowing and striving to help him gain control, I have realized I am part of the problem having low self esteem thinking no one else would ever find me attractive and love me. I decided to focus on our children to give them the best life possible and they are doing good, although now my son struggling in college has returned home as my daughter is getting ready to go off to college. My point I guess in sharing all of this is giving some background on me because it makes me feel like a failure again not being able to have that marriage I have always wanted. My husband has stepped up to the plate with the care of our children knowing I would walk if anything wasn't good for them. I also would have bet my life I would never have an affair.


I met a guy I went out with in college but only as casual friends, I was dating my now husband then too and had only sexually been with him. I think I was from the old school of not sleeping with someone until your married, although I did sleep with my husband before we married and honestly felt I had to marry him. I was faithful to him even when we were dating. (ugh sorry just more info)


We met for a drink I happened to be in his town and the same attraction was right there where I left it years ago. It was so great to see him and feel attractive, and quickly we fell into a "relationship" of talking and emails. He was wanting to meet to have sex and soon because with his business he would be in the throws of it until late Aug. Already he was setting me up for minimal contact. I am so attracted to him and the desire to be loved was too great, so I caved and it was great. So great I can't stop thinking about it and want more, totally lovesick with him.


Minimal contact since then and I feel very foolish for being so smitten with him. We hope to meet up soon, but then this minimal contact has me crazy wondering was that it? is it over? what happened? is he a player ... he seems so practical about it all. (I am not used the codes reading on here yet, but he is married two kids) He has no intention of leaving his wife, he tells me that straight away and that didn't bother me because I had no intention of leaving my husband for someone else. Although I don't know what the future holds for us. I would not want to end this marriage that I have worked so hard up to this point on this ending. Perhaps I needed this to force me to choose? Can this work, do I need to choose?


Looking at this from my husbands perspective he has recently said he doesn't want a divorce. I have suggested that now that the kids are older.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2009
In reply to: oliveyou2009
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 1:36pm

I came back to edit this post and it is now gone! sorry for the messing it up. In writing things out I pretty much answered my own question but it still feels lonely on this end of an affair. I miss him and I would be happy enough knowing he felt the same way. I guess that seems to make it

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2007
In reply to: oliveyou2009
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 1:52pm

First off, I'm sorry you are not happy in your marriage. I personally don't know how it's like to live with an alcoholic, but I have a feeling it's no picnic. Of course that doesn't make it right to have an A.


It's too soon to tell if your AP has true feelings for you. He already made it clear that he has no intentions of leaving his marriage. Just meeting for sex isn't love.

iVillage Member
Registered: 08-03-2009
In reply to: oliveyou2009
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 2:52pm

I appreciate your reply and I appreciate this board very much. I have been reading alot on these boards the last few days and it sounds heart wrenching and I don' t know if I have it in me to even seperate without consent of my husband. In theory if a marriage is horrible you should get out, but it is much easier to write about than to actually do. Sometimes living in familiar unhappiness is just easier.


Keep the affair a secret and pray no one finds out.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2007
In reply to: oliveyou2009
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 4:21pm

Hi again,


My heart goes out to you. I know how hard it is to feel stuck in an unhappy marriage. To actually own up and end a marriage, especially when there are kids involved is extremely difficult! I did it and it's not something I ever want to experience again. We are all (incl. my son) in a really good place now, but it took time and work.


Is there any way you and dh can try counseling? Or can dh get help with his alcohol problem? If you do stay in your affair, be careful and don't get too involved with your heart.


iVillage Member
Registered: 04-17-2009
In reply to: oliveyou2009
Mon, 08-03-2009 - 4:49pm
Far better to end a marriage that isn't working than getting caught up in an affair... spend some time reading on the "Ending the Affair" board.