any advice?

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
any advice?
6
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 10:32am
Ok i am a MM looking for someone to talk to about my situation cause i have to tell someone....I amd in an A with W's best friend..we have all been friends for about 5 yrs now OW even comes on family vacations and stuff with us. Well we have been in an A for about 6 months now and we said it would be just friends, no strings, blah blah blah. Well now things are getting deeper and while neither of us will admit it there are feelings and strings. Bottom line is OW is now going away for 3 months. she leaves in 15 days...im feeling, alone right now. OW is only one who understands me anymore, the only one i like talking to about my feelings and stuff. I have my guy friends and W but i cant share my deepest feelings with them..Its always so hard for me and OW to be together as it is now, And i dont even wanna think of summer without her. Any advice would be appriciated. Thanks in advance
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: bigsecrets
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:03pm
There are facts about A's that you can do nothing about. She is going away for three months, there is nothing you can do about that. Plan your summer to be busy. The busier you are the better off you'll be. I know what you mean about the "feelings" part. SOmetimes these OW/OM fill a void that is missing in our marriage and we don't want it to go away. I have been very guarded in my feelings with my OM, and I still have strong feelings for him. Accept the fact that you care, it's ok to care. Maybe the three months apart will be a postitive thing. Either you will 1. feel not as attatched or 2. just think how great it will be when you finally get together again! My mm is leaving in two weeks for two weeks (nothing compared to three months) and we don't get together before then I will be miserable while he is gone, but when he gets back regardless of whether we see each other before he goes, it will be fantastic.

Gotta always think positive!

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
In reply to: bigsecrets
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:08pm
DD-

You give great advice.... I get a lot out of your posts. Just thought I'd pass this along!

v.

Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: bigsecrets
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:11pm
vles

Thank you for that! I think we all are great at seeing the obvious unless it is our own EMA!! But I guess that is what makes this message board so great for us all huh??

dd

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
In reply to: bigsecrets
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 2:13pm
Favor- go to my latest post ("not sure...") and give me your best shot on what you think, if anything, is going on in/ with my MM head.

thx. hon.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-15-2004
In reply to: bigsecrets
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 3:42pm
first off sorry if i seem like a nag or something...A little more info on my situation now i fell more comfortable and not judged by anything. Ok as said b4 this is my W's best friend, i dont really feel guilty though. I feel me and my W have lost connection with each other when i have tried to talk about it with her, it always goes back to everything being my fault. I have alot of resentment as i pay every bill for her and everything. She got a brand new car the day she passed the road test. I guess ive spoiled her and things are probably my fault in that way, just venting. But heres my real problem. as i said my OW is leaving for 3 months and im really having a hard time. I agree it will be soo much better when we see each other after that but the 3 months with out her is going to be very hard. She is also pretty much my best friend. I have one other male friend but other than that i cant trust anyone. My W is so wrapped up in her it doesnt even matter how i feel anymore. She tries once in a while but not nearly enough. I just dont know what to do. I guess im asking should i tell my OW how much im going to miss her and all im thinking? I feel we both have similar feelings but what if im wrong and she really hasnt caught feelings like i have. I know its not love yet but i do love her as a friend and not having her for the summer hurts like that, but now that shes really the only one i emotionally open up to its just so hard not to tell her how i really feel yet i dont even know what to say.... any thoughts would help....thanks...
Visitor (not verified)
anonymous user
In reply to: bigsecrets
Sat, 05-15-2004 - 4:13pm
I can understand where you are coming from as far as wanting to let them know how you feel. My mm told me four months ago (over some wine) that he had deep feelings for me, I was so shocked all I could do was give him a big hug. It wasn't just a normal convo it was a convo after being apart (he ended the relationship) for six weeks. So I really didn't expect any profession of feelings to come from him. Now I have deep feelings as well and don't know whether to tell him since he hasn't come out and SAID those same words again since. What if he changed his mind? I have seen where people in here have told thier OM/OW how they felt and some have had positive results and some have not. You have to really evaluate how she has acted towards you and what she has told you in words how she feels. I told my mm earlier in the conversation that I had kept my heart safe from him by not allowing myself to fantsize about us being together. I feel he may think I am still doing that. So I am in the same boat as far as being open about my feelings. I guess on that subject you know better what your relationship is like with her.

Maybe if you just tell her you'll miss certain things you do now together or every day things she does that will be not quite as serious as the "OH I'm going to miss you soooo much". Will she be able to contact you or you her at all while she is away? I don't know what else to tell you, just hang in there and believe it or not the months will go by and before you know it she will be back. But do keep busy!

dd