Any hopefuls?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
Any hopefuls?
7
Sat, 01-03-2004 - 8:51pm
I posted yesterday about having cancer surgery and being upset MM wasn't as available as I wanted him to be. Well, he didn't end up going to vacation home b/c he said I was right he needed to be there for me as much as plausible and came to see me for a few hours this morning b/f the family came back into town. He was also upset and said that it was probably very obvious to his sister and mother how depressed and unhappy he is. (they were visiting over the holidays) He said that he has never felt this way before- not caring about anything- wanting to chuck it all. I talked to him about being hopeful for the New Year and that I felt after having this cancer surgery that I was ready to live life and be happy. (we've been through something in the past 4 months that has brought us both to our knees but I won't post about that- just something very personal and stressful)

Anyway, i told him I felt like I needed to know what he wanted and/or needed from me in order to stick to my resolutions for the New Year. He knows I do not want him to leave his wife to marry me right now- not what I'm looking for- he needs to do that for him; not me or we would never have any future. He also said that he didn't know if he would leave his wife, if he would be kicked out of his house or if he'd stay married forever. Just didn't know and he wasn't going to bs me ever. He said what he wanted from me WAS me and that he didn't know how else to put it after 2 years. He then asked what I wanted from him and I told him I wanted to love him for him and to have him love me for me and not be afraid to ever say anything, feel that strong bond and just be content knowing and feeling it. What is meant to be will be. He said, "We already have that."

Here's my question: I read these things about being 'conned' and only hearing what we want to hear when really there are red flags everywhere. I guess I am feeling hopeful again that what we have is real and worth holding onto but I don't want to be stupid.

What does everyone think? Any hopefuls out there?

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: icrunch
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 12:57am
Hi Crunch (love that name)

I am sure you will get lots of hopefull posts (and I hope there right), the only thing that got my attention was the statment

((((What is meant to be will be. He said, "We already have that.")))))

I asked a male friend what that means when a man says that, He said it means that is all you can expect from him (the preasent state of the relationship) and not to expect to much more as in he is not leaveing his wife\family ever.

I know from your post that you are ok with that so have a good time.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: icrunch
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 10:20am
Thanks for your response. The male point of view is always good to get sometimes. I hadn't thought of it that way. So, I asked MM about it- not that someone said it but that I thought it:-) Here's what he said: "X, I don't know why you doubt how I feel about you and I was trying to tell you that all of the things you said you wanted were already there and that you shouldn't doubt them anymore. (as a side bar, b/c of the events of the past few mths I mentioned before is the only reason I ever doubted anything- never really before that)Anyway, "As I said yesterday, I want YOU and after 2 years you should know that and I know you know that. As we've talked about before I don't know what will happen with the state of my marriage- but something will- it cannot continue as it is. I'll either leave, get kicked out or we'll decide to work on it and it will either work or not. I am not going to bs you- one of the things we do have and I treasure is complete honesty between us. I am selfishly telling you that I want YOU knowing full well I have no right to that, but I can't help it. I know I need to do something with my marriage I just don't know what."

I have to say first, I'd love another male opinion and second, I do appreciate the honesty. There was a time when I was contemplating divorce but b/c of my child it took a long time and much soul searching and making one final failed attempt to finally go through with it. Sometimes loving someone else doesn't matter when it comes to children,etc. Reality is reality.

Sorry for the rambling I am just looking at this year as the beginning of my new life and are trying to work through some of these things before tomorrow. WORK!

I should also say that while I do not want him to divorce his wife and marry me right now, I do want and expect baby steps towards something. I just know he needs to do it for him not me or we would end up being doomed in the future. I think I have decided on the supportive and loving route rather than the NC route. He has never been untruthful and has always been there for me and I know he needs me right now. NC doesn't seem like the way to have what is really right- whatever that is.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: icrunch
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 4:48pm
Hi Crunchy

As you you said you would like more male input I had a male relation read this post.

He had only one comment on what the MM said GIBBERISH AND DOUBLE TALK, thats his view not mine so please do not get mad at me.

I do have one question::How do you know he has neve lied to you, being realistic and from personal experience I know that a Married person in A has to be able to lie and do so well enough to be very convinceingly or you get caught.(I learned to lie very well).

Lieing became an easy habit any time I was cornered at work , home or to the traffic cop.

BE WELL

FREE

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: icrunch
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 5:05pm
WOW- and I thought it all made sense. I guess I don't know anymore than anyone knows if someone has lied to them. You're right, we all have to tell some lies when involved in an A. I know I've told plenty. I have always relied on my gut instinct and I don't think he has lied to me about things. I just read all of these posts and I get paranoid- no one wants to be played. We've tried NC before and it doesn't work. He's a basket case and so am I. He has made slow progress on the marriage thing from at the beginning "I'll never abandon my family" to "I know something needs to happen, the M cannot continue like this" and actually admitting his family members can tell how unhappy he is. This I know as true and pure.

What I wonder is- is he just too weak- all I ever hear is how he just doesn't know what he wants- long term that is. That makes me want to say that I am willing to love and support him but not until he know what he wants. I'm not even asking for action here- he just needs to decide what he wants. I have told him this before and he brings up all of the obstacles (kids-3).

I am getting angry now and I thought I was at peace! Ugggh.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: icrunch
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 5:42pm
HI Crunchy

Sorry I did not mean to upset you , that's what happens when you get male input,you ask for the truth and they think thats what you really want , the fools.

I got to ask you is this guy as pus*y whipped as he sounds, or is he just running a game on you?????

I hope he looks like Brad Pitt for all the trouble he is causeing you!

I suspect he knows what he wants in the long term, to keep you holding on.

Do you know his family members personely?

Sorry if I am sounding like a bi*ch I am suffering from java withdrawl.

Free

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-01-2003
In reply to: icrunch
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 6:05pm
You don't sound like a b*tch at all. He doesn't look like Brad Pitt but he is quite sexy in a sophisticated kind of way- suits and stuff. I don't think he's whipped but I do think there might be some kind of a codependent thing. He can't be happy unless I am happy. And yes, I see this with my eyes and believe it. The other truth I know is that he is miserably unhappy with his life at home but due to main line family name, etc, feels trapped. I knew this about his life b/f we ever became involved.

I do know his family, though not well. He works at my company so I therefore see his wife the once in a blue moon that he brings her to a work wedding, dinner party, whatever. She can't stand me- even from before. He has made the comment from before that we are 2 totally different people and he's right. It isn't hard to see their disconnectedness- I know NOT a word but it seemed to work. I can also see his marriage slowly falling apart before my eyes and I know he must see it. I don't understand knowing he needs to put forth effort there to save it but yet not doing it- like he's stuck in quicksand. Yet- he doesn't know what he wants longterm. MEN. It's weird- my description of him doesn't at all sound like the pillar of corporate strength that he appears to be to everyone else.

And tell your man friend that i am a girl that would always rather have the truth straight up. It's just hard via internet when no one really knows everything about any situation.

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-28-2003
In reply to: icrunch
Sun, 01-04-2004 - 6:16pm
HEY Crunchy

Your right about the internet and dealing with bits of info.

Sounds like a great mess your in GOOD LUCK I think your going to need it.


Men, to bad you can't put them in a cage when not needed.

I have to go and p/o Fantasyland now see you.

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