Any success stories?
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| Fri, 07-30-2010 - 3:34pm |
As some might know, I experienced DD with AP about 1 week and a half ago.
It's been a very rocky road since then. His behavior has been erratic. Everything I KNOW to be true has been in the air, questioning.
Briefly last week we were falling into the pattern of reconciliating. And what was said to me, led me to believe that we were still on track to be together, only were taking it a different way after being discovered. This dialog was helpful for me to wrestle the issues that came up when he chose her, not me. (Still trying to wrap my head around that since the evidence that I know of is so overwhelmingly in my favor. I even said to him that this should be a no-brainer choice.) Anyway, all dialog stopped when his wife found evidence that we were not doing NC.
What I know to be true is that that his marriage is, has been broken for a long time and that he would be going to MC to confirm that it really was broken, (or be surprised that there was something there to save.) But he can't do this process properly if I'm still in the picture.
I understand this intellectually. I need to move on because I don't need to wait around for a process that is going to take an unknown period of time, especially since it could turn out that they will try to save the marriage and I will be left out in the cold.
Letting go is a different thing. He is consumed in my thoughts. I want to not care and take a hard stance. I know there will be another movement toward getting close to me, but I want to find the strength to turn him away and tell him that I'm "waiting to matter enough that he gets off the fence".
I want him with every fiber of my being. She is very manipulative and twists his emotions. I always kept him grounded, even in matters that were not related to our relationship. Without my influence, he is easily persuaded into agreeing to things that don't match his own feelings. I guess there is nothing I can do, and he needs to find his own strength.
But I got this nagging idea that it will end, and he will seek me out. Don't know how long it can take, but I can't imagine anyone can stay married under the conditions she imposes on him, especially now that he cheated for a second time in his marriage.
Anyway, does anyone have any success stories after months/years of NC?
AND by the way, we don't have strict NC since we work very closely together. It's impossible actually. It makes moving on all the harder.
PS: People say just to move on, there are other fish in the sea that are completely available to me. True, true.
But, I have never had a more emotionally fulfilling relationship in my entire life. It wasn't because it was forbidden. It was because the level of soul-bearing honesty we had with each other. I tell him things that I was afraid to tell anyone else, and vice-versa. It was a level of safety and comfort unmatched in any relationship I ever had, even when I was married. This level of closeness, I believe only comes once in a lifetime. I've lost it now. L(

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Wow. Your other man sounds like me. I can tell you from my perspective that it feels you are manipulating him. I was emotionally separated from my husband and it seemed it was just a matter of biding my time until we got a divorce. Financially waiting basically.
Then enters the other guy. I was so vulnerable I had no idea. Even not loving my husband I felt/feel guilty. OM is the sweetest man and we are very compatible. I have shared all of the above with him and more when we first re-met about my marital status.
When you wrote of your MM speaking of his wife's ability to twist his words around is exactly how I feel about my husband. This was going on before I re-met other man.
Here is the thing, I don't want to end my marriage without getting to the source of what caused the breakdown, what was my role, what should we have done to prevent it, is it possible to rekindle or save? or am I just wanting to get a divorce because of the other man?
He,like you has tried to help in make a decision. With his constant "help" it has made me feel controlled yet again, and maybe that is what your other man is afraid of. I have always done things for other people and even worse I have always been afraid of hurting someone else's feelings ... to the loss of my own. Yes, my relationship with the other man is easy and we are compatible.
Maybe your man is full of worry is it real? Would it last or would he be regretting leaving his spouse years from now finding he just traded one controlling person for another? If the main thing is the children and now if she wants me to stay and I have "power" in the relationship and we are getting along as I like, why would I leave? I owe it to myself to play this out without other person in the picture. It doesn't mean he doesn't love you, but you were something that was there just for him. So he is having second thoughts and actually by you doing no contact is the only way for him to figure this out. If he is actually trying to do what is best. BUT by forcing the issue with him you will only further push him into indecision and further cause to hide in his marriage.
Having said all of that. You need to think about YOU. What do you want? If he contacts you tell him that you are honoring NC until he figures it out. He will respect you for it and then maybe your relationship could have a chance to be a real relationship. Don't cave because if he is not fulfilled in his marriage he will be calling your for support. I do that and cry and miss my MM. I know I drive him crazy but I fear sometimes by the time I get this all sorted out in the "right way" he won't be there. So that is why I have to get a divorce for me.
I am rambling, and I have a blog to document my constant state of confusion. I come here often to read to see if anyone actually works it out ... successfully .... reason I came to this post!
http://starsaroundmysoul.wordpress.com/
Edited 8/17/2010 9:39 pm ET by goddess_artemis
Tell him you need to know these things to help YOU process this. You don't want to go NC because you want to remain supportive, but you need to know what he means and to be HONEST he owes that to himself.
oh I can say it all as I struggle to define it myself. but I think he owes you that. All relationships deserve some element of respect.
Edited 8/17/2010 9:39 pm ET by goddess_artemis
Edited 8/17/2010 9:43 pm ET by goddess_artemis
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