Any words of wisdom for me?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Any words of wisdom for me?
4
Sun, 02-22-2004 - 8:40pm
Does anyone out there with experience in these matters have any advice for me? I am 50 years old, married to my husband for 5 years. He is a wonderful man and I love him very much but there is a problem in our relationship. No sex since the first year. He has psychological issues from childhood and fear of intimacy problems. We have tried psychotherapy, hypnosis, couples and sex thearpy with no improvement. I finally resigned myself to just live with it and be content that everything else about the relationship is great. I was doing a fair job of being "content" until recently. An old lover from the past suddenly reappeared in my life. He is newly divorced and was in need of a "friend". Well things went as you might imagine and soon old feelings came flooding back for both of us. I now find myself in the middle of an extramarital affair and having all the feelings and fears that go with it. I never believed it was possible before but I am totally in love with both these men. Right now I am very happy, but I live in fear of the pain that could be waiting just around the corner. I couldn't stad to lose either one of them. Anyone have any sage words of wisdom for me?
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-21-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:05am

hi twolovesnow -- oh honey, do i have words of wisdom!

CL-Gurlfriend50

Co-CL of My Affair Support Board

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-09-2003
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 11:05am
Hi there, that is a difficult situation. You say you have tried everything with H? What is his feeling about your sexual relationship? Does he expect you to live without it, or is he trying occasionally?

It is hard to live with that type of relationship, I know, I feel like my H is more like my brother (or son) than a H. Our sex life is practically non-existent because of his drinking problem.

It's a tough decision, do you keep on what you're doing or try to change things? For me, I'm keeping on how I am now, living with H, have MM on the side for my needs. But I won't be doing it this way forever. Sooner or later I want a total relationship for myself to include intimacy as well as companionship. I guess you have to decide what's right for you.

Right now for me, the parts complete the whole. I am happy with things, and do not feel guilty for what I am doing. If you are feeling guilty, maybe you should discuss with H, what's his expectations from you sexually and what he is willing to allow you, i.e. open marriage, if he is unable/unwilling to give you what you need.

I know, easier said than done. And I would say the same to my H if there were not the slightest chance of him changing. But he is still young, and hope springs eternal. Take care,

Dusty
xxxx
iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 02-23-2004 - 5:47pm
Thank you both for your responses and your advice. I will certainly think about what you have said. Right now I am not ready to make any life changing decisions. I am just taking one day at a time and will see what tomorrow brings. Thanks again!
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Tue, 02-24-2004 - 7:36am
I know exactly where you are coming from with this. There is a book Lost and Found Lovers by Nancy Kalish which you will identify with. A sexless marriage is tough especially when everything else is okay. Since he is single, he doesn't have the complications that you have; less for him to lose. One day at a time is a good way to take it. It won't be easy, but good luck.