Is anybody here in a HAPPY M?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Is anybody here in a HAPPY M?
8
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 3:32pm
Both my MM and I have very good marriages...are we the only ones? It kind of makes me feel crappy to think that...

In his case, he's just been married a very long time (29 yrs) and I think he wanted to know what it felt like to be in a "new" relationship...and he loves the company of women. He really wanted a close female friend and felt that that made a sexual relationship "inevitable".

In my case, I'm very lonely...I sought him out after my best friend moved away, and now i can't imagine living without his influence in my life. I felt less guilt than most Ws do because my H has always been obsessed with the idea of my potential infidelity (even though I was faithful 15 years) probably because of his own As, and I guess I just never "felt" like a faithful wife the whole time that i was, because I was always under suspicion...it's hard to feel guilty after being wrongfully accused for years...but apart from that, my marriage is happy, as is MM's...

any one else in the same boat?

Barefoot

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-30-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:04pm
If you ask MM his M is great! Always makes me wonder what he is doign with me then. My M is ok.. Definetely not perfect but not awful. My husband is a good guy. I have NO intentions on leaving him. We get along well. We laugh and have a good sex life. The problem is the affection and emotional attachment. Most of the time I feel like we are roommates. He doesn't often kiss me, never holds my hand. Doesn't give compliments a lot but yet I know he loves me. He takes good care of me. I am happy..just missing somehitng. I wasn't looking to start something with MM. It just started and though in the beginning I think I could have taken it or left it but now I like having him in my life. We are NOT intimate but do enjoy kissing and holding hands..thus what I am missing.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-15-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:08pm
Yes, both MM and I are in happy marriages. This is the first affair for both of us, and as far as we know, both of our spouses have been faithful as well. I have been married for 17 years to a truly great guy with 2 children. MM is in his second marriage, married for almost 10 years with 3 stepchildren. So, there are those cases where affairs just seem to "happen." Neither of us is escaping anything, neither of us was looking for another relationship, and neither of us is intending to leave our marriages. We do talk about our "fantasies" of being together, but not seriously enough to divorce or separate from our spouses. We do both have pangs of guilt now and then, but for the most part, we are at a comfortable place in the affair.
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 4:41pm
It's good to hear that, birdie...I was starting to feel guilty. :) My OMM and I don't even talk about fantasies of being together. I think we both think that the greatest thing about this A is that it's totally free of the daily grind...I 'd rather be his mistress than his wife any day. I get his playful, relaxed side; his poor sweet wife (and I'm not being sarcastic, she sounds really nice) gets his dirty socks and I bet she has to nag him to take the garbage out. We just feel that we get the best of each other in this context...

I saw your other post re confiding in friends, BTW. OMM has told all kinds of male friends, which kinda freaks me out, to be honest. I think it's the guy brag factor — there's some guy cachet in saying "I have a MISTRESS, nyah nyah". On my side, I would never tell. I just see it as too risky. My solution is that I've told my closest girlfriend that I have a really, really close male friend. I tell her the things I feel like telling her, minus the sex bits...maybe she suspects that there is more to the relationship than I've let on, but she would never ask. And OMM's life and mine are totally unconnected through work or anything else, it would be hard for anyone to figure the situation out.

Take care, birdie.

barefoot

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 7:02pm
Hi Barefoot,

I've been happily married for 11 years and we've been together 19. He's a real gem and he loves me wholeheartedly. He's funny, smart, handsome and we have a decent sex life (no real fireworks anymore but what can you expect after 19 years?). I NEVER thought an A would happen to me but yet, here I am. Strangely, most of the time I feel little, if any, guilt. The A seems so separate from my M. I love both these men but in completely different ways. I have no desire to leave my M for my MM and he doesn't want to leave his W for me. Like you said, we get the best of each other and we love being able to escape the pressures of daily life.

I always think there must be something terribly wrong with me so it was nice to see your post. Most of the time, I feel like the luckiest (and possibly greediest) woman in the world because I get to spend my time with two of the most amazing men I know.

Happy Day!

Jess

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-25-2003
Tue, 05-04-2004 - 10:09pm
Actually I'm happily married to my best freind in the whole world! Anyone else married to guy that would pick the rasins out of your trail mix for you? He's sweet, funny and dedicated.

OM is those things also but in a different way

DH and I have a history. We have a home. It's like flannel pjs and soft socks.

Being with OM is 3inch heels and short skirts.

iVillage Member
Registered: 05-04-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 9:13am
I'm also in a happy marriage. My DH is my only friend, and I like it that way. We've been together over 10 years, we have children, we're very close. I can't imagine my life without him and when I die, I want him by my side. He feels the same about me.

As I stated in a previous post, my reason for my A is that for the past couple of years I've gotten bored. It hasn't changed the way I feel about my husband at all, I just need a bit of more excitment in my life or I'll lose my mind. My OM makes my life fun and exciting. Sometimes, even while I'm with my OM, I think of my DH and wish it was him instead. But I've tried for years and my DH just isn't interested. It's not that he doesn't love me or doesn't want to please me, it's just that it isn't in him.

Sometimes I think he knows or suspects something, but lets it go because maybe he feels this makes me happy and well, it saves him the trouble and the nagging.

My DH is a complicated man, and not the type to express his feelings very often. Who knows what goes on on his mind...

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anonymous user
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:09am
I am in what would be called a happy marriage. I am best friends with my husband, we just have had intimacy issues. We get along great 99% of the time as long I don't rock the boat. We have been working on our problems since December and it has gotten better. My mm claims he has a great relationship with his W, they go out at least once a week together w/o the kids, but apparently (i've seen this) she isn't an affectionate person and doesn't share the same libido he does. We talked about all this and both agree we wouldn't split up our families to be together. Sometimes I am envious of his W because to me he is the total package,besides the kind of person he is, I have passion for him, and there is intense intimacy. To have him every day and to crawl into bed with him every night just would seem to be a dream come true. I love my husband, he is a good friend, a friend I don't want to see crushed.

deedee

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 05-05-2004 - 10:20am
Thanks for responding you guys...

Another thing that has occurred to me lately is that it makes perfect sense that the happiest husbands make good OMs, because, they're happily married for a reason!! They know how to get along with women and keep a woman happy. My OM and his wife have an awesome, strong marriage (including a good sex life) and I admire that rather than feel jealous of his W because it takes work to be together 29 years, they deserve that happiness. My worst nightmare with respect to this A is that his W will find out and be hurt. If it were my H who found out, I could work on mending things with him, and he's had As before, so, he would understand more. But I feel very protective of OM's W. I'm constantly reminding him to be careful...