I admire your self awareness and your insight. Most people here are in that chemical fog that causes them to feel like all of the things you've brought up would just "work itself out" because of how much they "love" each other.
But you know the truth. Let's start with "I feel like my AP only wants ME: not my kids or the drama with ex or my family etc. He only wants ME."
Most affairs are in that bubble of unreality. It's "me and him/her", and the rest of the world gets blotted out. That's part of the whole appeal! A place to go where you aren't worrying about bills, mortgages, job losses, kids school schedules and getting the kids to practices/recitals etc etc. What a great escape! By telling you that he hopes the kids are with your ex most of the time - well that pretty much confirms he wants more "you" than the whole package. It's a red flag. Do with it what you will.
That whole "trust" thing is a rightful worry also. Both of you have already proven that when things get tough, your "escape mechanism" would very likely be another person, not Calgon, to take you away! (OK maybe some of you are too young for the Calgon reference LOL). Unless you both have some counseling, your coping mechanisms are not likely to change.
Keep thinking these thoughts and sharing them. If the two of you do end up together, couples counseling and individual counseling would do you a world of good (said by one who has desperately needed counseling probably her whole life but has yet to surrender... LOL!)
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
thanks for the thoughts. I am well aware of the "red" flags he has presented me with, although HE doesnt see them. I tell him all the time, you dont see what I see and you dont hear what I hear! And he usually says, what's that supposed to mean? I also tell him this when I can see it in
Do you ever feel like IF you and your AP did get together, you would always somewhat "wonder" what they are doing or if they are cheating on you?
There was a point when I believed he wouldn't cheat on me, but when we broke up for a while he admitted that about 4 years ago he had had two one nights stands (we've been involved more than 7 years). He said they were unfulfilling and I think they took place during a period when he was abroad a lot and we weren't seeing ech other (not an excuse, I know). So now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever feel like your AP wants ONLY you and nothing else that comes with you?
Nothing else comes with me! I've no kids and any exes that would be a problem are long gone in the past.
Do you ever wonder if your AP regrets meeting you or do you ever regret meeting your AP?
It wouldn't surprise me if he did from time to time, because I feel the same. But then, I think it's normal to feel that way because things get so complicated. I don't have to balance a husband or partner with my affair, just family (who don't know) and friends (some of whom do know, some aren't sure it's still on, some don't know!) which is hard enough.
If I'm honest with myself I think I would be mistrustful of my AP/BF because he has had A's throughout his M. Having said that however, I do know that I am the only one he's been with for so long (slightly over a year now) and we are as in to each other as we were the first time we got together. He's also a very jealous man and just yesterday he got in a snit because I wasn't fast enough in texting him who I was golfing with! He's a bit insecure because I'm pretty much single and he's not...and he knows that I could have my pick of men. I know him enough and just sent him the message that I thought he was mad at me but it didn't matter because I'm still crazy about him...that brought him around quick enough!
I think that if it ever happened, we would have to have a serious conversation and we would be able to put that stuff in the past.
Recently my AP told me that he often thinks about my kids and how he could help me take care of them..that he wishes he could help me out. He always asks about them and has told me many times he cares about how they are.
I admire your self awareness and your insight. Most people here are in that chemical fog that causes them to feel like all of the things you've brought up would just "work itself out" because of how much they "love" each other.
But you know the truth. Let's start with "I feel like my AP only wants ME: not my kids or the drama with ex or my family etc. He only wants ME."
Most affairs are in that bubble of unreality. It's "me and him/her", and the rest of the world gets blotted out. That's part of the whole appeal! A place to go where you aren't worrying about bills, mortgages, job losses, kids school schedules and getting the kids to practices/recitals etc etc. What a great escape! By telling you that he hopes the kids are with your ex most of the time - well that pretty much confirms he wants more "you" than the whole package. It's a red flag. Do with it what you will.
That whole "trust" thing is a rightful worry also. Both of you have already proven that when things get tough, your "escape mechanism" would very likely be another person, not Calgon, to take you away! (OK maybe some of you are too young for the Calgon reference LOL). Unless you both have some counseling, your coping mechanisms are not likely to change.
Keep thinking these thoughts and sharing them. If the two of you do end up together, couples counseling and individual counseling would do you a world of good (said by one who has desperately needed counseling probably her whole life but has yet to surrender... LOL!)
Some would say that I fell from grace... but I didn't.
You've got a lot of choices. I
thanks for the thoughts. I am well aware of the "red" flags he has presented me with, although HE doesnt see them. I tell him all the time, you dont see what I see and you dont hear what I hear! And he usually says, what's that supposed to mean? I also tell him this when I can see it in
edited for privacy
Edited 10/23/2008 8:47 am ET by goddess_edwina
Do you ever feel like IF you and your AP did get together, you would always somewhat "wonder" what they are doing or if they are cheating on you?
There was a point when I believed he wouldn't cheat on me, but when we broke up for a while he admitted that about 4 years ago he had had two one nights stands (we've been involved more than 7 years). He said they were unfulfilling and I think they took place during a period when he was abroad a lot and we weren't seeing ech other (not an excuse, I know). So now I'm not so sure.
Do you ever feel like your AP wants ONLY you and nothing else that comes with you?
Nothing else comes with me! I've no kids and any exes that would be a problem are long gone in the past.
Do you ever wonder if your AP regrets meeting you or do you ever regret meeting your AP?
It wouldn't surprise me if he did from time to time, because I feel the same. But then, I think it's normal to feel that way because things get so complicated. I don't have to balance a husband or partner with my affair, just family (who don't know) and friends (some of whom do know, some aren't sure it's still on, some don't know!) which is hard enough.
Edited 9/8/2008 1:17 pm ET by darkpools
This is a good question, and a real toughie!
If I'm honest with myself I think I would be mistrustful of my AP/BF because he has had A's throughout his M. Having said that however, I do know that I am the only one he's been with for so long (slightly over a year now) and we are as in to each other as we were the first time we got together. He's also a very jealous man and just yesterday he got in a snit because I wasn't fast enough in texting him who I was golfing with! He's a bit insecure because I'm pretty much single and he's not...and he knows that I could have my pick of men. I know him enough and just sent him the message that I thought he was mad at me but it didn't matter because I'm still crazy about him...that brought him around quick enough!
I think that if it ever happened, we would have to have a serious conversation and we would be able to put that stuff in the past.
benska