Is anyone else "happy" with their H?

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Is anyone else "happy" with their H?
13
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 12:54am
I need some perspective from all the wise souls out there. Just trying to figure out why I am doing what I am doing...

I have wonderful husband. Handsome, sexy, succesful, charismatic, charming -- worships me and the ground I walk on. Great father to our two beautiful children. He absolutely adores me. Our sex life is satisfying, too much so if anything, H can't keep his hands off me for the most part.

But...He works alot. Travels alot. There is a subtle underlying superior attitude and thus discreet criticism in a lot of the things he says...but not like there is anything "wrong" with my marriage. It is better than most.

Maybe it was turning 36 (somehow so much harder than 35), maybe it is that he travels so much and I feel stranded and isolated because of it but here I am obsessing over a 29 year old sexy young man. We have spent one night together (that was out of this world amazing)and I am hoping that there will be more. I feel like I am acting this way because I just so needed and wanted to be SELFISH for a change. Everything I do and everything I am is about my family -- wife, mother, mini-van driving suburban soccer mom.

So many of the postings and stories I have read here describe bad marriage. Are there others out there who really are in good relationships but have for one reason or another decided that you needed more (have your cake and eat it too...). That is how I feel. I would never ever ever dream of leaving my husband. If he ever found out it would be the end of the world. But I just want something different, new, fun, exciting in my life. Something that is entirely about ME and no one else.

I would love to hear from others out there. I need help trying to gain some perspective on what I am doing...thanks.

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iVillage Member
Registered: 01-19-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 6:56am
I am exactly in the same boat as you are. My husband is the greatest that could exist and we do have a satisfying sexual life too. He travels a lot too and I think thats one of the factors that put me in a vulnerable position last year when I started my on and off emotional affair. I have come to the realization now that due to my own messed up personality (overly romantic, trying to be a perfectionist, getting bored easily, worrying too much about the future, etc to name a few) I just love two different men for different reasons. If I could have them both and there was one sin free way to do it, I would have them both. I am blaming this loving two guys on my hormones (I am 34) and my personality (a classic flirtatious gemini with a lot of duality)and I am just hoping that eventually I will be in love with my husband only.

PG

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-22-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:10am
I wish I was, I am married to a selfish, arrogant, "I am God's gift to women" kind of man and it sucks. I am sure there are others out there though who are happy with their H.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:54am
When you find the answer please share it with me. I have been wondering the same thing for almost two weeks now. I am a MM who is in a great relationship with my W. We like the same things, vacations, interests etc, but I had an EMR recently and am torn as to why i did it. Maybe its that we have been M for 20 years, together for 25, and just wondering what it is like to feel the excitement of the new romance. I would never want to leave my W, nor want to hurt her or my two children, so why did i do this. I have known the OW for 8 years or so through business, and we have flirted all this time. She is 40 and i am 46. She is very attractive and was in a bad marriage. Now she is divorced, recently, and her hormones are raging. I too travel frequently, which is how this EMR happened. Circumstances of being out of town, with an attractive woman, having a few drinks with colleagues, flirting, resulted in this event. The next day we talked, she wants to continue at the next conference in a couple of months. I told her i wasn't sure if i could, that the circumstances of the previous night were just ripe for what occurred. I said that the relationship has no future as i am married and not unhappy. She said she would take it for however long it goes and realizes that it will eventually fade. I feel like i am the last person who would ever end up in this situation. Everybody says my W and i have the perfect marriage. For the most part we do. So why am i doing this. Ego trip? The fact that a very attractive woman finds me attractive also? She is exactly the type of woman i would pursue if i wasn't married. But i am. So now i am feeling guilty of course, but i have this temptation, no strings, huge desire and lots of confusion. Do the right thing and end it? Or since we only live once, live it. Sometimes having the opportunity is worse than not having it. Sorry to babble, but i know exactly what you are going through. Good luck. Thanks for reading.
iVillage Member
Registered: 10-22-2003
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 7:58am
My marriage is very similar. DH is a really great guy - he's sweet, good with the kids, good around the house. He loves me. We have a good sex life. BUT he isn't around very much. We work opposite schedules during the week for the sake of the children. It is hard but I'm OK with it. The problems come on the weekend when DH is often away for a variety of reasons - sometimes work related, but mostly for personal pursuits. At first it hurt me that given the choice between me and his hobbies he so often chose his hobbies. I pointed this out to him, but nothing changed. So then I decided I'd get hobbies of my own and live my own life. So we fell into a pattern of he'd go do his thing and I'd watch the kids, then I'd go do my thing and he'd watch the kids. Sure we didn't see each other much, but when we were together things were good and I thought I was happy.

THEN I met MM. He started out as just another guy friend. But we have TONS in common and we really enjoy each other's company. The feelings grew from there. And I came to realize how LONELY I had been, and not only did I love MM, but I LOVED having a relationship with someone who actually wanted to spend time with me.

So now I've got two men in my life who I love. MM and I have been forced to cut back our relationship because his W found some email and I was forced to tell DH some of what had been going on (he knew about my friendship with MM - just didn't know how strong my feelings were). I'm trying to give DH another chance to put me higher on his list of priorities. We'll see what happens. I want our M to be strong again. But at the same time, I don't see myself ever not loving MM. It is definitely a tough situation.

GB2

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-22-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 8:11am
My marriage is Ok. H is great guy, good dad, etc. However, our sex life is dull, lifeless. My MM and I are still in the flirting stages, 'hot' sexy emails back and forth, etc. I do want to consummate this thing with him but am learning patience. Anyhow- I am like you. I am looking for something new and exciting. I am 40 and he is 34. He has been with W since they were 20, I think he too is looking for something to help get past the 'itch'. Neither one of us would leave our M's but just want some fun. However, I envy you... I am still, like I said, patiently waiting for my MM to get over his cold feet. I think if he or both of us were single, there would be no stopping us! I empathize with the void you may be feeling; I indeed feel it every day through and through.

Take care.

v.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-19-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 8:14am
I am totally crazy about my husband. He's sweet, attentive, funny, smart, sexy, successful...and I could go on and on. He's always home (actually he works from home!) so I can't blame anything on him being unavailable. Like "guiltybutdesire," we seem to have the perfect marriage. And quite honestly, until all this happened, I thought we did. And for the life of me, I can't figure this out.

The closest I can come to a reason is that I have also recently turned 36 and we have been together half our lives. He's the only man I've ever had sex with (although I did some heavy petting with a couple of guys before him). I wonder if it's the intrigue and excitement of being physical with someone new who genuinely cares about me, who only sees the good in me and doesn't have any expectations.

My OM and I are not in love (he's married as well) and neither of us want to leave our spouses. We ARE very good friends and truly enjoy each other emotionally as well as physically. I've put the brakes on it for now but as "guiltybutdesire" said, we only live once. Will I regret it if I don't pursue it?

I think that the thing that keeps me from jumping in with both feet is that I would be devastated if my husband found out. I would literally cut off my right arm before I would hurt him. And, weirdly enough, I still think of having an affair as wrong. But when I'm with my OM, I can't think of anything but how much I enjoy being with him. ARRGGHH! I'm so confused!

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-18-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 9:31am
Jessiesgirl2004, I am definitely experiencing the same as you. The hurt that my W would feel if she ever found out would kill me. I don't want to subject her to that. Since i still love my W and want to be with her, why do i have these feelings for OW. I ahve to believe it is an "itch" thing, after being with one person for so long, sex can get routine. The exitement of an A is so alluring. Will i regret not doing it, or will i regret doing it. After the one night with OW, which was the first time, i did regret it. But mostly because of the hurt i would inflict if found out and a bit of loss of self respect for doing it. Otherwise i had no regrets, i truly enjoyed the passionate kissing and touching. And we never actually went all the way, I pleased her. I also think that maybe i could slow down with OW, and just talk, maybe kiss, but that is still an A. No easy answers. This site is great just to be able to release what's on my mind and share thoughts with one another. I am not alone, here anyway. Thanks.
iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 11:01am
I have prided myself on being supportive on this board and I hope this doesn't break that streak. But I think you need to really examine what it is you are seeking from this OM. You say that there is nothing wrong in your marriage, but I am not convinced you're being honest with yourself. Certainly we are all human and can be tempted and given the right situation, will even give in. But I also know from experience that even in a M that seems great on the surface, there are often underlying issues that are bigger than we realize. I think maybe this sentence says a lot, "There is a subtle underlying superior attitude and thus discreet criticism in a lot of the things he says...but not like there is anything "wrong" with my marriage. It is better than most."

What that says to me is he is perhaps condescending which would cause you to feel inferior at times. And that can be very damaging to your self-esteem. Then you get your self-esteem built back up by the OM. Maybe I'm way off on this, but I've always believed that people don't have A's unless there is something wrong in their M. Maybe it isn't a huge problem, but a problem nonetheless. I guess I just hope you will stop this A while you still can and get your H to work on your issues with you. I know that would be extremely difficult, but well worth it. Take it from someone who started out in purely physical A's but then realized that I was seeking more than just sex. What was lacking in my M is now what is ending it. I'm not saying your problems can't be resolved, hopefully they can. But it is a mistake to assume nothing is wrong and just continue in this A because things will only get more complicated.

If you want to be selfish, go out and buy yourself something you never would. Take a vacation by yourself. There are lots of ways to be selfish without having an A. I know you'll take my advice or leave it. But you seem like a genuinely considerate person. Please proceed with caution. And ask yourself this question: How would you feel if you found out your H was having an A? Would it matter if he never planned on leaving you? Would it matter that he just felt he deserved to do something just for him?

Something to think about.

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-26-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:16pm
Thank you everyone for your responses. It really does help to hear from others. And to omahamm especially, thank you for your insight.

Yes this is definately making me look at my marriage in a different light. I never would have dreamed myself capable of being unfaithful. H would be destroyed if he ever knew. Obviously I am not getting everything that I need. And this A didn't just happen -- I made it happen. I met him, flirted, couldn't get him out of my mind. Contacted him and pursued him, very aggressively. Most of our communications have been through text mail, and the annonymity of it has made me behave more aggressively than I ever have with another man.

The game of it is so exciting, so different. And new sex is quite different than married sex (again, albiet good but it's been 14 years since we met...).

I am trying to find something for myself other than this 29 year old man --- I have been going to a dance class (long ago I was a dancer) after many years of not dancing at all. Even caving in and hiring a babysitter so that I could go and do something for me. It is a step in the right direction -- but in the mean time I just crave OM...
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-10-2004
Mon, 03-22-2004 - 3:39pm
After reading your post, I had to doublecheck the name to make sure I wasn't the one who wrote it!! Like you, I have been married going on 14 years, am turning 36 and have young kids. H loves me to pieces, and tells me often that he "worships me." I can't say that we haven't ever fought, but overall we get along extremely well. Yet, a while ago I found myself with a friend that I have known for years and it just happened! It was out of this world! We have met several times since then (just gets better every time), and have both battled the guilt thing since he is also married w/ children. Neither one of us want to leave our M, but can't seem to stay away from each other.

I think for me it had a little to do with the fact that H is the only man I had ever been with prior to this, and I have always been curious as to what it would be like with someone else. Also, I was raise in a pretty strict environment (couldn't even date until 18 yoa!) and went straight from being a daughter to a wife to a mother, which all have "rules". And as comfortable and secure as my M is, I wouldn't call it passionate. He is my best friend and the person I will be with forever, but it never was a crazy, passionate thing for me (was and still is for H).

Many times I have looked at this thing and keep coming back to the fact that I do it because I want to, plain and simple, and for no other reason. Purely selfish, and pretty risky considering all I could lose. Somewhere in the back of my mind I think that this FWB thing will most likely run its course and that will be the end of it.....but for now this is where I am. It is nice to know others are in a similar boat!

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