Anyone else with ill AP?

iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Anyone else with ill AP?
5
Mon, 07-27-2009 - 6:16pm

Hi,

I used to post on this board a couple of years ago but haven't been back in a while.

I'm wondering if anyone else here has dealt with an AP's serious illness. My AP of more than 5 years is acutely ill, and unless he improves in the next 24 hours, will be admitted to hospital. I'm beside myself with worry, especially since he has been sick for 3 weeks now and consistently getting worse and worse.

We normally check in with each other via email every day or two but he's stopped checking in unless I pester him... I guess he's tired of writing "no, I'm no better". And he knows I'm upset.

I don't know much about hospitals, but I'm assuming that if he's in hospital, I won't be able to visit. Do hospital visitors have to sign in to visit a patient? Is a list of visitors kept? We have kept this A a secret for five years, I don't want to slip up now. And he needs his DW's support at a time like this, so I don't want to take any risks.

How can I support a hospitalized AP? Anyone with any experience with this?

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-18-2009
Tue, 07-28-2009 - 12:04am
Chill out and stop stressing him out with your worries. He needs all his strength to fight whatever he has without worrying about you and your feelings. I wouldn't chance visiting him in the hospital. You have NO right to be there and chancing a D-day is not good for the ill AP. Besides, he has a DW who will take good care of him. I'm sure he'll get in touch with you when he's feeling better. That's the name of the game if you're only an AP.
Shadow Word generated at Pimp-My-Profile.com
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-19-2004
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 9:56am

Actually, he DOES welcome my concern. I spoke with him yesterday and he told me he appreciates my messages. He says he's been less communicative because being sick makes him very irritable and he's trying to avoid turning his frustration outward and snapping at people.

I think maybe the rules in a long-term A are different than in a shorter one. We have been together 6 years and we're past the stage where "clinginess" is a worry. Also, I'm not threatened by the reduction in contact. I feel secure about his love.

As it turns out, he feels alone. He says very few people know he's sick — his DW has not told anyone, maybe because she thinks he would be embarrassed. She has also minimized his condition to their (grown) kids, so they don't check in with him very often. She is apparently somewhat in denial about how sick he is; I guess that's how she protects herself from getting too worried. But I wish she would tell his siblings and friends. He could use some visitors. Maybe when he goes into the hospital, his DW will finally tell people.

Like in many affairs, sex was a prominent aspect of ours. MM had a strong sex drive and now he has none. I'm sure thinking about me reminds him of how far away from normal health he is, which must be upsetting.

But we should never make the mistake of thinking that sick people (especially men) want to be left alone, even when they seem grumpy. Having spoken with him yesterday, I know he doesn't want to be left alone. It's just a matter of figuring out how to offer love and support without incurring unacceptable risks.

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-27-2008
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 2:55pm

hi barefoot, ive never been in your situation but i can understand how difficult it must be for you. I cant offer any sound advice or help on how to go forward with what you want to do. But i can say that you have been with ap for a long time, and your both secure with the feelings you have of each other then your AP will already know your their for him, that your thought s are with him whilst he is going through this difficult time. Id of thought the best thing no matter how difficult it would be is to sit back and wait for him to contact you. I wouldnt take any risks that may hinder your relationship as well as adding more stress to the situation he already is in.


His wife may be in denial

"be yourself, disguise not, for your a truly unique beautiful being"


iVillage Member
Registered: 07-24-2009
Wed, 07-29-2009 - 4:06pm

Forgive me, barefoot...I'm not familiar with your story so the question I ask may not be relevant to your situation.


Do you have any mutual friends...someone that may simply know that you know each other but won't know the full connection?


We've had to resort to that once or twice.


Also, if he has some sort of internet access, he could possibly add your email address to a list of friends and send a "bulk"

iVillage Member
Registered: 12-29-2006
Sun, 08-02-2009 - 10:43am

OMG.. my heart just skipped a beat.