Anyone with first hand experience?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Anyone with first hand experience?
8
Tue, 09-09-2003 - 1:59pm
I need some advice...found out yesterday that my OM, whom I love and who is in love with me is going to be a father...his gf is PG...im not handling it very well and I need to know if anyone out there has dealt with this first hand and can tell me how I expect this to play out...

Liberal

Avatar for imopus
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 8:26am
hey liberal,

i wish i had some advice for you... that's a really tough spot for you and OM... i hope there are some others who will have some good advice for you who have been through it... i guess all i can say is that mistakes happen and OM is probably really freaked about this (i know i would be if i was in that situation)... so as hard as it might be just try to be there for what ever he might need....

opus

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 9:27am
I don't know, though I'll probably be in the same spot soon. I don't recall whether you and your OM were expecting to make a life together sans your current SOs. If you weren't, I guess you just deal with it. If you were, you have my sympathies. I doubt much will change if my OM and his wife have another; they already have kids, as do I. And we're not planning on leaving our spouses, though we do plan to try to stay together for as long as we possibly can - the rest of our lives, if we can do it.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 12:24pm
I know I just need to deal with this and today I am feeling better about it although its the thing thats been most on my mind the past 48 hours.

OM is engaged and has a DD who is 11 from a previous relationship - he has full custody of her and raises her with his fiance. I am married with no intention of leaving my DH. He is everything I could want in a husband and then some and realistically speaking there's no way OM could ever be what DH is to me in terms of a full-time relationship. Im not certain how OM feels and if I were to become single Im assuming he would expect me with him full-time but he's aware of my stance on the matter and he knows as well as I do that we wouldnt be good for one another on a fulltime basis, our personalities/preferences/priorities are extremely different.

Im dealing but it's gonna be a long year as we both adjust to this. Although it's his life, not mine it's destine to have an impact on us...time will tell...

I have decided to ask him straight out and promise to only bring it up one time whether he wishes to continue with me or if he'd like to take this chance to try to make things real with his fiance since they do have a child on the way now...I need to do that for myself so that I feel better staying in the situation. I want to know he still wants me there for him...I was sure to tell him I loved him before I hung up when he gave me the news - I dont want him to think im angry, disappointed or bitter with him about this - these things happen - just better her than me because I wouldnt have a clue whose it was...wouldnt that be lovely! UGH!

Liberal

iVillage Member
Registered: 02-12-2002
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 1:06pm
I guess it just takes time. When OM and I were in our first few months, I commented that if his wife got pregnant, I'd have to stop seeing him. He said, "Why?" and I thought, really, why? Why would our relationship be different? He has kids, I have kids - what difference does it make if they have another? I know it shouldn't, but it took me a while to get my arms around the idea of her being pregnant while I'm seeing her husband. Don't ask me why this is any different from seeing her husband when they already have kids - it's irrational, and I don't pretend it's not.

It hasn't happened yet but I'm sure it will. And then I'll just...deal with it. I'm sure it will be easier for me than for you, because it won't change their relationship to add another kid to the mix on top of the ones they've already got, while this is your OM's first with his fiance. That will definitely make a big difference. If you have kids yourself, you know what I mean. If you don't. . . you'll see soon enough.

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-27-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 1:23pm
Yes it makes a huge difference that now they will have a child of their own. I was trying to figure out how I was going to handle their wedding day (which hasnt been set yet) now thats the least of my worries although it occurred to me yesterday that a shot-gun wedding is extremely likely now and it could also be hitting me before I know it....
iVillage Member
Registered: 07-16-2003
Wed, 09-10-2003 - 4:53pm
I have been in those shoes. My MM when I met him his W was pregnant we started out as friends and did not know till a few weeks later his W was pregnant...it did not bother me at the time even though I knew they were having problems. I was there for him and our relationship went more then friends it went to an A. Anyhow I did not think about it much till the day he called me and told me she had the baby girl...OMG it was a shocker..I just started crying...I was trying to be strong that day and I told him congratulations and I apologized for my reaction. It hurt...he promised me he loved his new baby their first baby not his (he has 2 other girls full custody) and things have not changed - I have given him the chance and asked him to try to work things out but it has not it only has gotten worse. Between us we have gotten closer and he brings the baby around so I can see her everytime he gets a chance. Some people might not see it right that I stayed...but I did stay and we have been very happy since what the future holds who knows.

I wish you the best and only you can decide what to do everyones situation is different. Now unlike you im single I have nothing to loose. You have a husband who seems to be great. You should talk to your OM see what he thinks - if he thinks things will change once the baby comes?? I did I was scared and he promised me they would not he knew what he felt for me - even though in the back of my mind I did not believe him - he was right they have not changed just gotten better. If you care for your OM be there and be supportive whether you stay in an A or not.

iVillage Member
Registered: 06-24-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 12:51am
HI Liberal,

If it's one reply I get to today... it's yours. Honey... I've sort of been there and also in the reversed situation of me being pregnant. I know your situation reasonably well and I think we are a little on par... in relation to keeping our marriages.

First things first... you need to decide what you want... I will make reference to my pregnancy rather that MM's wife as that was early on in our relationship... mine was but less than two years ago. My pregnancy was no surprise... it was planned... but I had not told MM... when I finally fell pregnant... my biggest fear was whether he would still want what we had. I made my decision first... I knew I wanted to continue regardless and then took the step to telling him and leaving the decision in his hands. He told me right then and there that it was 'our' decision to make... to which I told him I had made mine... he then told me there was nothing to worry about.

All I can say to you... is talk it through... it will take some adjustments... probably more so for him than you... but it really doesn't mean that things have to change... it's just another hill to climb in your relationship.

I'm a little rushed today... so I do so hope that I've made some sense... but hon... feel free to email if you want to talk it through.

luv and hugs

Sweet

sweetc_@hotmail.com (careful of that underscore)

Sweet
Co-Community Leader My

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-03-2003
Thu, 09-11-2003 - 8:07am
Could you tell me a little about how going from having no kids to kids changes things between you and your OM/MM? Has anyone on this board ever gotten pregnant for the first time while involved in an EMA? Did the EMA continue? How did being pregnant/having the baby change things?