anyone marry their "father/mother" ?

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
anyone marry their "father/mother" ?
8
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 2:30pm

anyone marry their "father/mother" ?



  • Yes, I did it on purpose.
  • Yes, but I didn't know it at first.
  • Not really, but there are some troubling similarities...
  • No, they are very different.


You will be able to change your vote.


iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
So fess up. who did you marry? Father or mother type??
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-04-2004
well, everyone who knows me knows that I'm a compulsive confessor.... LOL. I'll confess.

My W and mother share some qualities, but are far from the same woman.

My W and my mother are both women who are smart and attractive, but who both suffered parents that were critical and not entirely supportive. Moreover, both are pessimistic women with a tendency to quickly declare themselves inadequate or dismiss their abilities.

Both have fought weight issues and both lose consistently, partially because they are predisposed to easy weight gain and partially because I believe both of them like to have some easily identifiable thing about themselves to be unhappy with; if not for the obvious they would have to look deeper, and neither seem to enjoy that process.

There are lots more differences than similarities, but the few there are kind of bother me. And when I met her father after dating several years... let's just say I might have ran if I'd known early what I learned then. He and I are fairly similar in many obvious ways, though he is a real pessimist and general grump, of which I am neither. Still... I found it odd.

rain

iVillage Member
Registered: 09-16-2003
I probably married my "mother" too. Some similarities but not too many for I wouldn't have had an affair. My mother can be perfectionist and it takes a lot to impress her... She grew up in a family that is/was hard to impress also. So there is family history. lol I guess I looked to impress people I was in a realtionship with and I still do to some extent. That's is why I probably married my H and early on in our R I would be too eager to please him without a reason. Same perfectionist wife thing going on there also. I had a nervous breakdown (almost) some five years ago and I went to counselling and I had to re-learn that part of not "giving" too much and "taking" a littl more. So probably I would have to go with same choice as you. :)
iVillage Member
Registered: 04-01-2004
crazy

but my H is juuuust like my mom -

I Married when I was young ----

then you don't realize it

but now -after-the-fact- you see it all like writing on the wall

lucky for me my mother is a wonderful caring person -

she just needs to relax, enjoy herself more and smile !!!

K

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-15-2004
Rain,

What's going on? I sense you are in your "thinking mode". Is everything okay?

I did not marry my mother nor my father. Although, I have to admit, I wish I had married my "father". I think my xMM is most like my father, which is probably why I love him so much.

It's so funny that you brought this up, because my sister and I were discussing this very thing the other night. My sister is in the midst of separation/divorce. We joked that our father has "ruined" us.

My father is very romantic and he walks the earth for our mother. We grew up in house where is wasn't unusual to see him caress her breast while she cooked dinner, or expressed his need for her attention. He is a very sensitive man. For instance, last week, my sister's cat died in her arms. This was very emotional, since "Hank" was her reason for going home. We (my mom, dad and myself) were all at her house in record time to console her. A couple of days later, my father showed up at her house with a card and a little cat figurine (my mother had nothing to do with this) and a hug. This is the type of man he is. This is the type of man we are forever searching for.

As usual, Rain, you have given me food for thought.

Love always

Red

iVillage Member
Registered: 01-14-2004
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 10:22pm
It's funny, but I don't think I married someone like my mother or my father. Of the two, she is probably more like my dad. She is kind of unemotional and doesn't like to talk. She's also very stingy with money. But actually she is a combination of her own parents, which is much worse than if she were like mine. Her mom is VERY critical of everyone and everything, although she means well. And her dad hardly talks at all. At family gatherings he will hide in the corner and he very rarely dates despite being divorced for over 10 years. Don't get me wrong, she has some very good traits too. She's very loyal and level-headed. Most guys would be thrilled to be married to someone like her. But she and I couldn't be less compatible. Oh well, live and learn I guess.
iVillage Member
Registered: 03-26-2003
Fri, 04-09-2004 - 11:41pm
Very interesting post and uh, confession, Rain (lol).

First, to respond to your relationships - is what you think of your relationship with W colored by your own perspective; that other's who know W see it differently, even that others who don't know you or W would see it differently? And, would you be scrutinizing OW's parents' characters if the relationship were open and committed?

Now, for my confession...yes, xH is similar to my father in some weighty ways. I didn't have a healthy relationship with my father and I learned wrong. I was like my mother, and allowed it (emotional & physical abuse) - but thank the heavens I am stronger than my mother was and began to realize when I had my own children that I needed to do what was right for them, and eventually for me.

I remember the first time I said "no" to xH of something I didn't agree with, and his reaction, quite a few years after we married. Maybe if I hadn't lacked self-assurance or esteem at the onset he would have respected me - either that or our relationship would have been a non-starter.

I can't remember the exact time-line, but it was about the time I first was assertive with xH that I realised how he was like his mother in her relationships (controlling, demeaning, etc.) - and that it was a learned behavior for him. I would try to talk with him about it - and I *thought* I acted supportive of him while trying not to disrespect his mother - but he couldn't see my viewpoint from where he stood. I can remember thinking before we married that he loved his mother which to me, at that time, was validation that he was good H material. LOL

I do think the way we act in and view relationships depends on our past experiences - but also other influences like how we view others and how we hear from others. Even when I recognized the relations between xH & I was not healthy, others didn't and so I perpetrated their view. In future I wouldn't purposely examine a significant other's parents' character, though I *would* look for respect/etc. in the way he treats me.

I'm not sure where I would be with regards to relationships if xH hadn't asked for a divorce; I can't say I would or wouldn't have begun an affair. I do believe though, that by taking part in an affair with MM, I have learned ALOT - about me, relationships and people - through MM and this board and friends I have made here. Some will argue that an affair isn't a *real* relationship and I'd argue that we are two people relating as friends and lovers. And, some will say that I *still* lack self-esteem for allowing myself to be in an affair with a married man, to which I would say their view is colored by their own experiences and influences.

My hope is that my children will know the difference between a healthy/non-healthy relationship for *them* and who they are...that values along with many other components are as important as falling in love in a relationship...before marrying.

Thanks Rain, for the chance to ramble.

Meow

iVillage Member
Registered: 03-29-2004
Hmm, this thread is so intersting.

I think I married my mom. My mom and I couldn't be more different. She's pessimistic, likes things routine, kind of bossy. She was a good mom in the sense that I "accomplished" a lot of things, like great grades, good job, seemingly good marriage (!), the "good daughter".

My H is a lot like her. H is very critical of me. Any time I make some sort of mistake, it turns into this huge deal. Like the whole scolding mom thing.

On the other hand, MM is a lot like my dad. Dad and I are quite similar. Personalities, we look more a like, that kind of thing. We always had a very healthy father/daughter relationship.

Both MM and my dad are very driven people. MM has a lot of self-confidence. He's breezed upward in his career quite fast despite troubled early years. They share similar political views, etc. They do have their differences, but more in secondary personality traits. They have a similar "core", just like H has the same core as my mom.