Anyone separated or thinking of it?
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Anyone separated or thinking of it?
| Mon, 10-20-2003 - 6:50pm |
Hello,
I haven't posted in quite some time. I don't know if anyone remembers me. I had been in an A with my MM for about 5 months when he left his W. Then follows 2 months of me fence sitting and him being tortured. I should have left H a yr ago since our whole M was nothing but him putting me down and verbal abuse. But...I stayed. Finally...I left. Then MM and I jumped right into a heavy relationship. He was fine with his separation. Both W and he admitted their mistakes and that they made each other miserable. For me, H pursued me intensely with declarations of love that he never showed in the 5 yrs we were married. I cried and cried buckets...on MM's shoulders. I could not break away from H. I realized that though I was miserable in the marriage, I was really miserable because no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough and never felt loved or special by H. (Enter MM full of love for me) Now here is H professing his love. Its been a couple of months of separation now and I am consumed by guilt for leaving H (even though he treated me like crap - go figure). I wrote on this board about a month ago and the responses I got encouraged me to stay the course and not give in to guilt (thanks ladies!)that returning to a marriage because of guilt is a sure fire disaster. So I am still on my own (well actually we are unofficially living together) and it has been so tough but MM and I are keeping us together even through all my shanagans with H. I've brought him into my world and since noone knew about the A, he was welcomed. So I am trying. Trying to stay with someone who loves me and not return to someone who wants to control me. H is seductive with manipulation and so much guilt you would not believe. MM is still at the point where he feels I will leave him daily. I am starting to think I have to make a decision - the big D. I just feel so alone and so confused. How do you get over the guilt? Especially with someone who treated you poorly and admits it but begs for another chance?
I haven't posted in quite some time. I don't know if anyone remembers me. I had been in an A with my MM for about 5 months when he left his W. Then follows 2 months of me fence sitting and him being tortured. I should have left H a yr ago since our whole M was nothing but him putting me down and verbal abuse. But...I stayed. Finally...I left. Then MM and I jumped right into a heavy relationship. He was fine with his separation. Both W and he admitted their mistakes and that they made each other miserable. For me, H pursued me intensely with declarations of love that he never showed in the 5 yrs we were married. I cried and cried buckets...on MM's shoulders. I could not break away from H. I realized that though I was miserable in the marriage, I was really miserable because no matter how hard I tried, I was never good enough and never felt loved or special by H. (Enter MM full of love for me) Now here is H professing his love. Its been a couple of months of separation now and I am consumed by guilt for leaving H (even though he treated me like crap - go figure). I wrote on this board about a month ago and the responses I got encouraged me to stay the course and not give in to guilt (thanks ladies!)that returning to a marriage because of guilt is a sure fire disaster. So I am still on my own (well actually we are unofficially living together) and it has been so tough but MM and I are keeping us together even through all my shanagans with H. I've brought him into my world and since noone knew about the A, he was welcomed. So I am trying. Trying to stay with someone who loves me and not return to someone who wants to control me. H is seductive with manipulation and so much guilt you would not believe. MM is still at the point where he feels I will leave him daily. I am starting to think I have to make a decision - the big D. I just feel so alone and so confused. How do you get over the guilt? Especially with someone who treated you poorly and admits it but begs for another chance?
Anyone in a similar boat?
Ivy

Yes, of course you are remembered ;-) !
To physically D, you need to mentally D also, especially with a controlling, manipulative spouse. I didn't initiate D, and don't suffer from guilt - but even though I want a D, and even though I am physically seperated from stbxH, and even though I am mostly emotionally seperated, there are still times when I allow him to *take control*. Yeah, I still sometimes cry (and have done so in front of MM) because of stbxH's manipulation, control, and abuse.
Generally speaking, most of those who are controlling and manipulative and abusive are weak - they prey on others to make themselves feel better/stronger/superior (whether conscious of it or not). It's a mind game with themselves - they prey on others to make themselves feel better/stronger/superiour because of their own lack of self-worth, and/or because this is how they have been treated and/or how they have learned to deal in relationships - and, generally speaking, their prey are susceptible to it, and allow it to be a mind game in their own head. When this pattern has been built over a period of years, it can be very difficult to break free emotionally, and doesn't happen overnight.
It is mind over matter. When I find myself *allowing* stbxH's actions/words to affect me, I literally tell myself that I am not weak, I am my own person, and he has NO control over me - over and over until it sinks in. The last time it happened, uh, yesterday (lol), I had a few frustrated-feel-sorry-for-myself tears before I realised I needed to pull my socks up. I sat down to chant my mantra (NO control, etc.) while half-heartedly watching the tv - a nature program was on about hippos, and I envisioned this agressive, ugly hippo as my stbxH...and I ended up laughing. Laughing helps, too!
Ivy, before you take any action (whether or not to D, etc.), I suggest you take control. *You* are your own person - I know you know this, that you have a wealth of untapped strength, and you don't need H (or MM) as a crutch.
When you are feeling in control of yourself (remember, no one else is inside your head - you are the only one responsible for your actions/words/thoughts/etc.), I know you'll be thinking and feeling differently than you do now - and then you will be able to make decisions based on what is best for you - based on what *you* want. If you haven't already, seeing a counsellor/therapist may help in tapping some of your strength and seeing yourself as a healthy & whole person.
You Go Gurl (and report back, please!).
Hugs,
Sometimes-still-crippled-but-getting-stronger Meow
but as an OW whose MM will *probably* not leave his W for, i have to say, you are lucky it seems, to have your man there living with you, who truly loves you, and to be free from your H. Seems simple to me, but i know things are not always so simple as i make them out to be.
it seems to me you have a pretty good life going there, and you need to seperate yourself from H, physically and mentally. When you are in a healthy place, make your final decision.
i dunno, but good luck
jen
I am especially grateful that not one of you said that I should leave MM and H and be alone. Thats the common response I get - although usually from places like message boards or my support group since although my family n friends have met MM, they know nothing of our history. I actually have thought and we've discussed my being totally alone for a while. But I am not sure if that would help really and actually I am alone alot as MM has other responsibilities (ie children) and I fully support his activity with them. So I do think that is good. In the beginning when I was alone, I couldn't stay by myself but slowly I am getting more comfortable with myslef. My goal is to be happy with me and love MM but not feel I could not survive without him. Right now H has been my security blanket and I am trying to find the strength to not need that anymore. H is like an addition to me but I am getting better. I haven't seen him in person for quite some time now. IN the beginning I was in terrible pain but it has faded. now I just feel sad.
It is funny that it is alot of the posters' dreams here that they could be with their MM/MW and live a real life. It was mine too. And now I am doing it. But you know, its so incredible tough and I never knew how difficult things would be. It is still basically a secret due to family and the fact we work together. I am very reserved at work and can't socialize with work people becasue noone knows. I don't know how we can ever tell them at work. There are alot more issues but due to nervousness I can't reveal them on the internet but lets just say we are not your average couple with the wedding, family and friends. has it been worth it? I would say yes because he is the greatest love I have ever known.
I'm not sure if I fit in on this board anymore but I don't feel like I belong anywhere else.
Ivy
i was relieved to see someone else going through the same thing i am with my H. The man waits till i am out the door to try and "change" what is that? i also struggle with the guilt and trying to realize that life is too short to be unhappy. We hav two small kids together, so i feel guilty about leaving. Are you afraid to leave? You said H is controling, does he scare you when you talk about leaving for good? What is the status of your MM? He is planning on leaving his W? My MM is still married, to a bipolar alcoholic is is also controlling, and i think he is afraid she will kill herself if he leaves. We love eachother immensely, and the thought of being apart is killing us, but we also have to deal with the stuff at our homes, too. I wish i had the strength to just leave, and i wish MM did too. we can not control other people's actions, but we are still afraid of what will happen if we both leave. I feel for you, sister!
sf
Both MM and I have left our homes. He left before me and he had an easier time leaving because his W and he have been married a lot longer than me and H and both of them recognize the problems. He has definite issues to deal with but not the one I have where H is begging for another chance and saying he has changed and loves me more than anything. But yea, to answer your question, when I mention D, H gets extremely hostile and threatening. The first time was a few months ago and I was so upset I filed a police report for an assalt he committed upon me back in the spring. I did this in case I needed to get a restraining order. You probably wonder what on earth I could feel sad and guilty about with a H who has done nothign but hurt me over our whole M. Its not logical - raw emotion - so I don't let it influence my decisions. MM (is there a symbol for separated man - lol) treats me so well and I am trying to move on and work up the strngth to start D paperwork. It is so difficult to break those ties, isn't it?
Ivy